Venting Can't Find Purpose After Planning To Die

[YeeHawMcSweeny]

About five months ago I was planning to end my life. I didn't want to but I was in a terrible place at the time, the company I worked for had been giving me signals they were going to lay me off very soon and my mom had just died. I would have periods at work (I worked at home) where I would have rage attacks that were basically screams for help that always failed before I inevitably started pacing around my house plotting my death until panicking when I realized I needed to get back to work. Eventually it got bad enough I had to leave my job and enter into an IOP program to step me down from the edge.

In general I'd say I'm feeling better than I was. I've accepted my mom's death and the time I've spent away from working has done me some good, now I'm trying to get comfortable with working again. I started with volunteer work and now I'm taking a part time job at a farm, work itself doesn't bother me so much but what I'm really running into now is a lack of drive to build a career and actually establish a good income. Before I left my last job I had worked at an advertising agency as a copywriter and later as a compliance coordinator. The act of writing gave me a lot of purpose in that position but I burned myself out in that work to the point that it's hard for me to write anything at all, including this forum post. On top of that writing is just a dead career at this point, my company was diving head first into AI adoption and that's the direction of basically all writing jobs now so I'm just obsolete. Basically, I need to change my career entirely but I just don't have the drive and ambition necessary to make that change anymore.

I was thinking to myself today and I came to the phrase that really expressed how I feel perfectly: I feel like I was meant to die. Now that I've decided to live I'm left in a position of needing to form a new place in the world, fill my life with meaning and purpose, carve out a new livelihood. The problem is I just don't have any passion anymore, I feel like I've accepted a reality that I will see my life through to the end but all that living is just waiting to die, I don't have any actual interest in doing anything with my life unless it involves spending time with my wife.

A few days ago my wife shared a video with me that explained that a great career path was getting into data analytics and working for a non-tech company. It didn't help the way I think she thought it would though because all I saw was an impassible hurdle I had no interest in crossing to get into a potentially lucrative career in maybe 2-4 years. I have no interest in learning SQL or Python, going back to school to get a statistics or CS degree, and building out an enticing portfolio to make myself hireable, I'm not interested in coding or computer science, those fields are just lucrative, I don't feel interested in anything.

I don't want to curate a portfolio, I don't want to "upskill", I don't want to compete for my livelihood. Just thinking about all this makes the thoughts creep back in, knowing that my value as a person is so tied to what I do for work and that if I don't figure that out soon I'm just gonna get fucked makes me think that maybe I made a mistake not killing myself. I don't know what to do because in order to escape this feeling of rotting I need to just miraculously develop a sense of purpose out of thin air. I fantasize about getting cancer and denying myself treatment so I can just live my life to the fullest until the end but that's just a fantasy. If I don't find purpose soon my life will be worse than death.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I can relate though it's not the same situation we were going through but to recover from a big failure in life I'd also need to learn sth new. That would take years and I'm almost 50 and I have no energy anymore. Aside from that I also don't have the goal to become a wage slave. Hence, I rot at home for several years. I got used to the new situation and after nearly 2 years I'm hardly suicidal anymore. Recently I started doing some things that could lead to a recovery. Literally , I didn't do anything for almost 2 years. I couldn't do anything.

maybe I made a mistake not killing myself

Well, I can relate to that so much, too. But it's also not that easy to CTB.

Give it time and don't stress yourself.

 

[56842]

Oh my god I feel this so much, my situation is in no way even remotely similar, but the sentiment is exactly the same. I feel so broken, I hope things turn up for you. Like a leg that's fallen asleep and needs to prickle back into wakefulness.

 

[galaxid]

I understand how you feel, I had a similar situation re: work. I had a really great job that I quit because I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore. I was messing up my job, and I felt so guilty that I couldn't conceive continuing without ending up ctb. I can't go back to that field because my position was very niche, and the only other thing I'm remotely good at is writing... which, yeah. AI's put me outta business and I haven't even bothered trying yet. How is anyone supposed to rebrand themselves when the act of rebranding is itself the most grueling process? To the point that people who aren't even dealing with this kind of thing struggle and often fail to do so. It's possible, but... damn. I resonate with that.

I don't know if you've ever heard this one, but my mom always told me to take it an hour, a day at a time. Which really pissed me off back then because, well, can't you see I'm having a crisis here?? What does the scope of my perspective matter, when all of it hurts and none of it seems worth getting through? That advice helped me just enough to make it this far, but apparently no farther.

I, an internet rando, hope you can keep going. I'm wishing you good luck.

 

[Pryras]

Do we need a greater purpose in life to justify existing? I think a lot of it is external pressures and societal drilling like having children or getting married etc etc …

Right now lm almost 30 and will never have a "career" and the only thing that brings me a little joy or purpose in life is taking care of two kittens I rescued. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, just take it one day at a time and appreciate the small comforts that come by

 

[candice2025]

I felt this way after surviving multiple attempts. Once I mentally crossed that line into actively plotting my exit, navigating towards long term goals feels impossible.

 

[UnnamedGuy]

Interesting to read your post because the same thing is currently happening at my work place. They're talking about redundancies as the company has decided to invest time in AI. I'm gobsmacked at the speed AI is being implemented. I was sadly chosen to be one of the testers with the new AI technology they've implemented and of course, it was natural for me to be concerned about this, to the point of bringing it up with my manager.

I feel like I understand your lack of motivation (career wise) as I'm currently experiencing the same thing as yourself. Seems like we all need to find jobs that can't be done by AI, such as jobs that require human to human interaction. Is this something you have considered? To give you an example, I'm brand new to SS and after reading 100's of posts, it's made me stop and think... "Could I persue a career in mental health"? Well, the answer is yes and I'll be looking more into this over the weekend.

There is nothing worse than knowing that your job could be in jeopardy, esepcially as a result of AI's rapid advancement however, many folks are in jobs that can be done by machine so the way I see it is.. let's hang fire and see how this goes.

Please know that you're not alone, we're in this together and take each day as it comes, to the best of your ability. I do hope the situation for you takes a u-turn and you find something that you're passionate about, that could turn into a great career opportunity to give you that drive to continue on.

Thanks for sharing your story, it was an interesting read to say the least.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

That would take years and I'm almost 50 and I have no energy anymore. Aside from that I also don't have the goal to become a wage slave. Hence, I rot at home for several years.

I definitely relate. I'm trying to use the recovery section here but as soon as I resolve to recover I'm faced not only with my original problems but the fallout from years of depression. Bouncing back is proving to be incredibly difficult. I'm at a life deficit and don't know how to recoup. Declaring life "bankruptcy" through ctb or finding ways to cope are both less than ideal options. I need to pull out of the funk in order to handle my base responsibilities for my current life to be manageable.

 

[Linda]

About five months ago I was planning to end my life. I didn't want to but I was in a terrible place at the time, the company I worked for had been giving me signals they were going to lay me off very soon and my mom had just died. I would have periods at work (I worked at home) where I would have rage attacks that were basically screams for help that always failed before I inevitably started pacing around my house plotting my death until panicking when I realized I needed to get back to work. Eventually it got bad enough I had to leave my job and enter into an IOP program to step me down from the edge.

In general I'd say I'm feeling better than I was. I've accepted my mom's death and the time I've spent away from working has done me some good, now I'm trying to get comfortable with working again. I started with volunteer work and now I'm taking a part time job at a farm, work itself doesn't bother me so much but what I'm really running into now is a lack of drive to build a career and actually establish a good income. Before I left my last job I had worked at an advertising agency as a copywriter and later as a compliance coordinator. The act of writing gave me a lot of purpose in that position but I burned myself out in that work to the point that it's hard for me to write anything at all, including this forum post. On top of that writing is just a dead career at this point, my company was diving head first into AI adoption and that's the direction of basically all writing jobs now so I'm just obsolete. Basically, I need to change my career entirely but I just don't have the drive and ambition necessary to make that change anymore.

I was thinking to myself today and I came to the phrase that really expressed how I feel perfectly: I feel like I was meant to die. Now that I've decided to live I'm left in a position of needing to form a new place in the world, fill my life with meaning and purpose, carve out a new livelihood. The problem is I just don't have any passion anymore, I feel like I've accepted a reality that I will see my life through to the end but all that living is just waiting to die, I don't have any actual interest in doing anything with my life unless it involves spending time with my wife.

A few days ago my wife shared a video with me that explained that a great career path was getting into data analytics and working for a non-tech company. It didn't help the way I think she thought it would though because all I saw was an impassible hurdle I had no interest in crossing to get into a potentially lucrative career in maybe 2-4 years. I have no interest in learning SQL or Python, going back to school to get a statistics or CS degree, and building out an enticing portfolio to make myself hireable, I'm not interested in coding or computer science, those fields are just lucrative, I don't feel interested in anything.

I don't want to curate a portfolio, I don't want to "upskill", I don't want to compete for my livelihood. Just thinking about all this makes the thoughts creep back in, knowing that my value as a person is so tied to what I do for work and that if I don't figure that out soon I'm just gonna get fucked makes me think that maybe I made a mistake not killing myself. I don't know what to do because in order to escape this feeling of rotting I need to just miraculously develop a sense of purpose out of thin air. I fantasize about getting cancer and denying myself treatment so I can just live my life to the fullest until the end but that's just a fantasy. If I don't find purpose soon my life will be worse than death.

My experience of life is that you don't "find a purpose", not even if you go looking for one. What seems to happen is that a purpose finds you. I suggest you just get on with your life, on a day to day basis, and see what happens.