Can't confide in anyone anymore

[moonmoon]

Anyone else locked in their head permanently; unable to confide in anyone?

I got sexually assaulted by a friend of 5 years... Friend group didn't care and kept talking to him and would always put me down (like call me stupid). Obviously, I don't talk to them anymore, but i never healed. afterwards, I slowly isolated myself from everyone. I barely share information about myself and avoid messaging others.

Had a therapist send me to a psychward when I really needed someone to just calm me down. Told them from the start, "if you send me to psychward, I'm never getting therapy again." Well, got sent and immediately stopped therapy. I don't want to go back. Everyone keeps saying "just don't tell them you want to die!!! You're overreacting!!!" But sometimes I say shit I shouldn't during autistic meltdown. So, therapy too risky.

I have personal things I really want to talk about, but I rather step in a bear trap than talk to someone. I wish my feelings made sense :(

 

[shibby]

yea, i was feeling the same. i had to absolutely make sure i had a clean mental health record so i could purchase a firearm. years of silence. hopefully we both find ways to release and confide in something! i started js texting myself and it really helped unleash some feelings. sorry that happened in ur life though., must have been hard all these years to confide to urself with those horrible things. love u man

 

[moonmoon]

yea, i was feeling the same. i had to absolutely make sure i had a clean mental health record so i could purchase a firearm. years of silence. hopefully we both find ways to release and confide in something! i started js texting myself and it really helped unleash some feelings. sorry that happened in ur life though., must have been hard all these years to confide to urself with those horrible things. love u man

I juronal and it helps. I just think it's so weird how I can crave connection, yet despise it at the same time. Wish the human brain just made sense, ha.

Love u too bro, thanks. Hoping your texting method keeps working well or maybe you even find something better! I'm rooting for u :)

 

[Ganymede]

Talking to yourself might help. Like going through the problem in your own head and eventually coming to terms with it or even just finding a bit of peace after understanding it more thoroughly.

Although it's not exactly easy to be alone with your thoughts, it has helped me before with loneliness.

 

[PugnaEnjoyer2137]

Anyone else locked in their head permanently; unable to confide in anyone?

I got sexually assaulted by a friend of 5 years... Friend group didn't care and kept talking to him and would always put me down (like call me stupid). Obviously, I don't talk to them anymore, but i never healed. afterwards, I slowly isolated myself from everyone. I barely share information about myself and avoid messaging others.

Had a therapist send me to a psychward when I really needed someone to just calm me down. Told them from the start, "if you send me to psychward, I'm never getting therapy again." Well, got sent and immediately stopped therapy. I don't want to go back. Everyone keeps saying "just don't tell them you want to die!!! You're overreacting!!!" But sometimes I say shit I shouldn't during autistic meltdown. So, therapy too risky.

I have personal things I really want to talk about, but I rather step in a bear trap than talk to someone. I wish my feelings made sense :(

I've had very similar experience, and I've also isolated myself from everyone after lack of help or being understood by anyone. I feel you.

Talking to yourself might help. Like going through the problem in your own head and eventually coming to terms with it or even just finding a bit of peace after understanding it more thoroughly.

Although it's not exactly easy to be alone with your thoughts, it has helped me before with loneliness.

Talking to myself made me feel crazy and worse, however writing down what I feel or want to say, made me feel better. Just putting it out there.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I relate. Therapy just felt a battle of not saying/discussing the right things at the right time and then my brain coming up with so many things to discuss and intrigue through the rest of the week and it would end up just getting me more and more flustered and putting more and more pressure on the limited time of the sessions.

Similarly, with friends and family. They could sense something was 'wrong' and increasingly pressed me to open up (in kind ways) but there just is/was nothing to say. No words. Just upset and confusion and not understanding, which turns into frustration and feeling lost. But my inability to find words (no specific trigger/event to discuss, just general, I dunno) just left them feeling like I was bottling and them feeling like I was not trusting them. Which would add to guilt and a sort of performance pressure which would only make words harder to find. So I ran away. Cut myself off from all friends and family. Expecting to ctb. But that was like 4 years ago now. Somehow after kinda floating around in a sort of mess of 'flight' and relocating several times, I've found myself in an ideal set up (flat/job etc) but I couldn't explain how. Nor can I allow any close 'relationships' - keep to myself. I had the same therapist through 3.5 of these 4ish years (online so worked no matter where I was), but had a tantrum and ran from her. Its a regular internal battle whether I should be trying to engage or work with her still/again or not. I kinda want to, but know it just messes with me. But I also have noone else, nor can I 'allow' anyone else. One or two DMs on here but thats a very 'long distance' type feel.

I find writing/journalling also only frustrates me because it doesn't really process anything, just causes me to zone out and move on in that way. Forget. Until next time. I have a false illusion that someone might make sense of me for me. But obvs thats not how this world works. So have just settled with keeping myself to myself and trying not to alienate too many people on here with these essay rambles I get lost typing. Sorry

 

[Ganymede]

I've had very similar experience, and I've also isolated myself from everyone after lack of help or being understood by anyone. I feel you.



Talking to myself made me feel crazy and worse, however writing down what I feel or want to say, made me feel better. Just putting it out there.

Oh, yeah that's fair. I see how it may seem kinda crazy to do it, but I've been talking to myself for a long time so I don't really find it weird. Journaling is a good alternative if it's too much for you.

 

[whywere]

Your feelings make 100% sense, as you have never been validated by the same "professionals" that SHOULD be helping you.

I have had the same experiences, as far as the "professional" side of things and have had my thoughts dismissed so many times by these "professionals".

That is one of the major strengths of this site, we are ALL TOGETHER in this and you are a outstanding soul, and never ever let anyone tell you differently.

I have NOT been able to find ANY mental health "professional" that will do anything but say the standard protocol and want to send me on my way, oh did I mention that they LOVED the money aspect?

You are family here and your feelings matter a lot to me.

Hugs, and I care about YOU.

Walter

 

[post_card]

Similarly, with friends and family. They could sense something was 'wrong' and increasingly pressed me to open up (in kind ways) but there just is/was nothing to say. No words. Just upset and confusion and not understanding, which turns into frustration and feeling lost.

This really hits home. I have some kind of friends, one could be even called somewhat close, but I will never talk to anyone about my feelings. Even if i want to, it is just...impossible. And there truly are no words to express my deep, true feelings in that moment. It feels like I have this insurmountable blockade inside of me.
Plus i feel like a burden, talking about myself. And they wouldn't even listen probably. Talking about myself is always embarassing.

It is like - what I feel is so general, that I don't even know where to start from for it to make sense. I don't know if that is a good explanation.
And yeah, that leads to frustration. Also makes me feel even more isolated.
Human relationships are so artificial, phony and shallow. The closest person to me is my mother, and I just can't imagine telling her about the horrible things I think about and making her sad. If I can't be able to talk openly about myself with her, will I ever be able to do that with anyone else in this world?
Does that true connection even exist?

It looks like the world just makes fun of me, putting all those negative thoughts inside my brain and then not giving me any way of releasing them back onto the world.

 

[PugnaEnjoyer2137]

Oh, yeah that's fair. I see how it may seem kinda crazy to do it, but I've been talking to myself for a long time so I don't really find it weird. Journaling is a good alternative if it's too much for you.

Yeah absolutely no disrespect to you, I don't personally think that it's bad or weird, but I used to do that when I couldn't deal with stress anymore, and it for sure strained my relationship with my ex, and I was ashamed of that, I couldn't really control that either. Whenever I would think too much I'd start saying random stuff to myself.

 

[Canto XIII]

Anyone else locked in their head permanently; unable to confide in anyone?

I got sexually assaulted by a friend of 5 years... Friend group didn't care and kept talking to him and would always put me down (like call me stupid). Obviously, I don't talk to them anymore, but i never healed. afterwards, I slowly isolated myself from everyone. I barely share information about myself and avoid messaging others.

Had a therapist send me to a psychward when I really needed someone to just calm me down. Told them from the start, "if you send me to psychward, I'm never getting therapy again." Well, got sent and immediately stopped therapy. I don't want to go back. Everyone keeps saying "just don't tell them you want to die!!! You're overreacting!!!" But sometimes I say shit I shouldn't during autistic meltdown. So, therapy too risky.

I have personal things I really want to talk about, but I rather step in a bear trap than talk to someone. I wish my feelings made sense :(

I'm sorry for how you're feeling. I don't want to invalidate your experience, and you probably know this already, but not all therapists are the same in their methods.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

It feels like I have this insurmountable blockade inside of me.
Plus i feel like a burden,

Yes! So true! I want to share, but can't. Part loss of words, part not knowing what I actually wanna try explaining. Knowing that its often something overly negative or overly judgemental, but not 'something's wrong'. So then I start spiralling about how I'm wasting their time because its all nothing, and it becomes a whole unnecessary argument about 'we're here whenever, please don't bottle/hide things' vs me 'no you don't get it it actually is inappropriate/nothing - and now I can't even remember what my initial 'bad' thought was, I'm too lost in wasting everyones time going in circles now and ruminating about whats happening. I wish there was something to say. I spend a lot of isolated time longing for that opportunity. But come crashing back down if I do have an interaction because I remember its on me and my failing articulation. And/or the fact anyone I'm around now is not a close friend like in past lives - so this time they are defo not genuinely interested or caring or going to actively listen. Which then sends me back ruminating to what I had before. More lonely around people. At least on my own I kinda feel shit but can kinda accept that thats what happens. When I'm fucking up opportunities to communicate, even more so with actual close friends or a therapist I thought I got along with, it just destroys that false hope.

My go to distraction has become physical exercise. Although by this point my brain seems to be able to judge the room fairly well and shut me down when it needs to. Snap back out of it at work for example. I guess I'm lucky in that sense.

Does anyone else have any ways they've improved this type of situation?

I just can't trust myself around others. Even therapist was causing me upset where I just couldn't find the words I wanted. But I also know she was good and trying to help me communicate (and she wasn't afraid of the idea of suicide), but I was just ungrateful and fobbed her off in a tantrum 7 months ago now.

Sorry, here I go venting about being unable to vent yet again. Essays going nowhere. Urgh. Maybe its time I force a break from allowing myself to log in here again for a while to stop this spam frantic posting and hijacking threads.

I'm sorry you relate, it sucks. I'm late 30s lying on my bed with a giant teddy before 830pm. At least I've been able to find a flat to live alone in the past year for the first time in my life (still unsure how given housing crises everywhere)

 

[moonmoon]

Your feelings make 100% sense, as you have never been validated by the same "professionals" that SHOULD be helping you.

I have had the same experiences, as far as the "professional" side of things and have had my thoughts dismissed so many times by these "professionals".

That is one of the major strengths of this site, we are ALL TOGETHER in this and you are a outstanding soul, and never ever let anyone tell you differently.

I have NOT been able to find ANY mental health "professional" that will do anything but say the standard protocol and want to send me on my way, oh did I mention that they LOVED the money aspect?

You are family here and your feelings matter a lot to me.

Hugs, and I care about YOU.

Walter

You're so sweet and I care about you too! I feel the pain with therapy it just sucks bc it feels like I'm talking to a cop and I can't share like that.

True about the money too. I told my therapist I was done with having sessions. They randomly scheduled a session without informing me. I didn't show, so they collected a huge no-show fee. Had to send them a message explicitly telling them not to schedule another session like that or I'd take them to court. Like why would I ever go back to therapy???

Hope you're doing well Walter. Have a great day man

 

[moonmoon]

Yes! So true! I want to share, but can't. Part loss of words, part not knowing what I actually wanna try explaining. Knowing that its often something overly negative or overly judgemental, but not 'something's wrong'. So then I start spiralling about how I'm wasting their time because its all nothing, and it becomes a whole unnecessary argument about 'we're here whenever, please don't bottle/hide things' vs me 'no you don't get it it actually is inappropriate/nothing - and now I can't even remember what my initial 'bad' thought was, I'm too lost in wasting everyones time going in circles now and ruminating about whats happening. I wish there was something to say. I spend a lot of isolated time longing for that opportunity. But come crashing back down if I do have an interaction because I remember its on me and my failing articulation. And/or the fact anyone I'm around now is not a close friend like in past lives - so this time they are defo not genuinely interested or caring or going to actively listen. Which then sends me back ruminating to what I had before. More lonely around people. At least on my own I kinda feel shit but can kinda accept that thats what happens. When I'm fucking up opportunities to communicate, even more so with actual close friends or a therapist I thought I got along with, it just destroys that false hope.

My go to distraction has become physical exercise. Although by this point my brain seems to be able to judge the room fairly well and shut me down when it needs to. Snap back out of it at work for example. I guess I'm lucky in that sense.

Does anyone else have any ways they've improved this type of situation?

I just can't trust myself around others. Even therapist was causing me upset where I just couldn't find the words I wanted. But I also know she was good and trying to help me communicate (and she wasn't afraid of the idea of suicide), but I was just ungrateful and fobbed her off in a tantrum 7 months ago now.

Sorry, here I go venting about being unable to vent yet again. Essays going nowhere. Urgh. Maybe its time I force a break from allowing myself to log in here again for a while to stop this spam frantic posting and hijacking threads.

I'm sorry you relate, it sucks. I'm late 30s lying on my bed with a giant teddy before 830pm. At least I've been able to find a flat to live alone in the past year for the first time in my life (still unsure how given housing crises everywhere)

I relate in a way. I'm really bad at identifying what makes me feel bad. my therapist would say, "we have to dig together" because I'd never give them a topic to talk about. We'd just wait in silence and stare at each other it was so stupid. They had notes of shit we left off on or were exploring and just never bothered to look I guess. People just get frustrated when you're upset and you don't know why u are upset/what to say so you just learn to not talk about it.

Don't feel like a waste of time or hijacking forums. I was specifically putting this post up to have people like you reply :)! You matter, you're not a waste of time. In fact, I'm gonna say that the people who don't show you patience are wasting your time if anything!

Hey living alone in your 30s is impressive in this economy. I'm in my late 20s and the only reason I could afford to move out is because I can split rent with my gf... I sleep with a stuffed wolf, but I'm always up all night. You're not alone so don't feel inferior.

You're too harsh on yourself. You're doing great right now, so give yourself some credit. I fall into the trap of thinking I'm wasting time/my life, but we have to remember our value isn't based around productivity, timeliness, or efficiency. There's inherent value in just being you. Enjoy your time more and try to focus on the things that make you happy. Take a moment to appreciate some little things (like stepping into sunshine in the morning). I reccomend finding something to do or changing environments when you start to spiral. Something to get you out of your head briefly!

Thank you for your additions on this thread; you made me feel less lonely. Keep your head up buddy. You're valuable, you matter, and I'm glad you exsist :)

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Keep your head up buddy. You're valuable, you matter, and I'm glad you exsist

Thats very sweet of you, thanks. *resists rejecting everything about the compliment/reassurance, and tries to at least acknowledge it if I can't accept it.


Thats so true with therapist. Sitting in silence would just make me feel guilty and zone out and I'd spiral and panic about the time disappearing, but not have anything to say. Our eventual 'solution' was for me to be able to email her in the week with some notes of my ranting or offloading or delayed processing of what we discussed last time. It took strict rules with amounts I was allowed to send, and eventually settled on a payment towards some 'reading' time with the amounts I'd be able to type (but still with obvious necessary boundaries - its non stop if I let it go and go). But it meant when I was freezing up, she could jump in with some prompts or questions when she could tell I was starting to zone out. Context and time and knowing me meant she could mostly tell (plus me using a weird code of my own sign language or single word responses) whether I'm spinning with too many thoughts to communicate, gone empty/blank, or am thinking so actually need the silence to continue.

I did live with my parents until late 20s (often living away short term with seasonal/residential type jobs), then there's been a bunch of years lodging and in spare rooms, plus a couple of years living out of my vehicle when I first 'ran away' from my past lives with all this confusion. Work is key for purpose/identity for me, so I've always somehow found myself back in some employment or another. And where I am now is an actual career type job. Which is a headwreck if I allow thinking about it. How did I end up here. Thinking = imposter and -> possible sabotage. So I just roll on autopilot as much as I can.

I think distraction can be tricky. I'm already very active and also take loads of overtime work shifts. So if/when I do spiral it can be worse because I feel like I've 'maxxed out' loads of options already just to keep balance. OR there's something I haven't maxxed out, so there's guilt of the spiral being self inflicted/not trying hard enough to keep balanced. Maybe I drank, or didnt sleep, or missed some exercise, or whatever. But then sometimes that can make it easier to just relax into the spiral because its like 'well this is my bad - I caused this so I can't be pissing and moaning about it, so I'be just gotta accept and roll with it'. But then also makes it worse when I think I have kept up with everything because all anyone else would suggest like exercise or diet or sleep I have to admit I failed at (so no point moaning in the first place) or they just don't get that I feel truly overwhelmed and not just 'a bit overtired' except I probably am, so I guess living an inconsistent life with shift work makes it easier to blame inconsistent emotions on inconsistent life. Even though I know it would be similarly messy in a routine life.

Sorry. Essay again. Never ending. Could go forever once I've started. Boundaries. Shutting up.

 

[moonmoon]

Thats very sweet of you, thanks. *resists rejecting everything about the compliment/reassurance, and tries to at least acknowledge it if I can't accept it.


Thats so true with therapist. Sitting in silence would just make me feel guilty and zone out and I'd spiral and panic about the time disappearing, but not have anything to say. Our eventual 'solution' was for me to be able to email her in the week with some notes of my ranting or offloading or delayed processing of what we discussed last time. It took strict rules with amounts I was allowed to send, and eventually settled on a payment towards some 'reading' time with the amounts I'd be able to type (but still with obvious necessary boundaries - its non stop if I let it go and go). But it meant when I was freezing up, she could jump in with some prompts or questions when she could tell I was starting to zone out. Context and time and knowing me meant she could mostly tell (plus me using a weird code of my own sign language or single word responses) whether I'm spinning with too many thoughts to communicate, gone empty/blank, or am thinking so actually need the silence to continue.

I did live with my parents until late 20s (often living away short term with seasonal/residential type jobs), then there's been a bunch of years lodging and in spare rooms, plus a couple of years living out of my vehicle when I first 'ran away' from my past lives with all this confusion. Work is key for purpose/identity for me, so I've always somehow found myself back in some employment or another. And where I am now is an actual career type job. Which is a headwreck if I allow thinking about it. How did I end up here. Thinking = imposter and -> possible sabotage. So I just roll on autopilot as much as I can.

I think distraction can be tricky. I'm already very active and also take loads of overtime work shifts. So if/when I do spiral it can be worse because I feel like I've 'maxxed out' loads of options already just to keep balance. OR there's something I haven't maxxed out, so there's guilt of the spiral being self inflicted/not trying hard enough to keep balanced. Maybe I drank, or didnt sleep, or missed some exercise, or whatever. But then sometimes that can make it easier to just relax into the spiral because its like 'well this is my bad - I caused this so I can't be pissing and moaning about it, so I'be just gotta accept and roll with it'. But then also makes it worse when I think I have kept up with everything because all anyone else would suggest like exercise or diet or sleep I have to admit I failed at (so no point moaning in the first place) or they just don't get that I feel truly overwhelmed and not just 'a bit overtired' except I probably am, so I guess living an inconsistent life with shift work makes it easier to blame inconsistent emotions on inconsistent life. Even though I know it would be similarly messy in a routine life.

Sorry. Essay again. Never ending. Could go forever once I've started. Boundaries. Shutting up.

Hey buddy! I sent you a private message so we could continue our conversation :)

Didn't want to share too much personal info openly... Hope to hear from you!