Can you imagine/remember your life without suicidal thoughts?

[Nitlott]

Pretty straightforward. I can't remember how life was without the thoughts when I was, say, 6. I know that, at least, thoughts explicitly about suicide weren't there but I can't imagine how it might've felt. Not like I remember my life either way. I have moments when I completely forget about them but a whole life like that? Woah.
Almost everyday I think about suicide one way or another. Most of music I listen to talks about suicide to some extent. My favourite bands and genres they play in literally center their works around suicide and mental health issues. Fortunately the thoughts aren't as uh, serious as they were before. I hope. There're more about suicide as a concept and, if I may, the philosophy of it... Probably sounds pretentious but I don't how to put it in any other way.
I think it has something to do with the fact that suicide and mental health issues became a part of me — well, they are a part of me literally — as a topic that I'm really interested in, the same way as my favourite genre is precious to me. And also with the fact that I do enjoy the feeling of longing/yearning for that melancholy.
Me having/not having them is not a bad or good thing. It's just there, I have the same view on it as on other things in life. But can't lie it is both curious and scary to imagine how it might feel. Fear of the unknown and a little of learnt helplessness, you know

 

[Macedonian1987]

I wasn't suicidal before I was 16 years old. I was friendless and all alone even back then. I've been avoided by everyone all my life, but when I was young that didn't bother me at all. Life was so much better when I wasn't suicidal. I had hopes that this friendlessness is a bad period in life that will somehow miraculously pass on its own. Boy was I dumb back then.

 

[Asya]

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[tiokapaws]

I only became suicidal at around 10 or 11 I think. So I have a pretty good recollection of the time beforehand. I was pretty much like a doll and didn't really think much? It's difficult for me to describe and connect to that feeling of empty thought. I get it sometimes now, when I'm really scared and my body and mind will just lock out and freeze and it's like I can't even feel my heart beat in my chest. Some weird type of dissociation idk bruh but yeah thats the way I was living and getting by before I became suicidal/ obsessed with suicide.

Kinda similar to you, it's lowk become a part of me now. And in a way, I wonder if it's helped me be clearer with my emotions on an internal level. Like "oh I feel really crap and that sucks so I'm going to kill myself" or "I feel bad because I want to die" Rather than the before, where I couldn't even understand what I was feeling and other than the unintentional physical reaction of tears, closed out my emotions, even to myself. It was a sad way to be living tbh, dunno how I managed

 

[dreaming]

unfortunately I can't.. I remember self-harming all the way back in elementary school, I genuinely don't even know if it's possible to live without thoughts of suicide, sometimes they're more or less frequent though
I've heard anti-depressants are mixed, some people they help some they don't, if I somehow make it through what I'm feeling now, maybe someday I can find out myself

 

[Spite]

Only a bit of my childhood. I'd say the first ten years or so, before I started to feel a bunch of negative emotions like anxiety and depression starting when I was around 11/12. I wouldn't say I started to truly feel suicidal, like, I came to the realisation that I want to die and this world was not meant for me, until I was about 14.

 

[Rogue_Gendarme]

A little bit rant-y, sorry in advance.

I have few memories in my life where I've really, ever been happy. But those happened so few in the times I was depressed and even less of them happened before I was suicidal.

All this talk about like, positivity and shit. I mean if the exception proves the rule. If I have so few happy memories why live for them?

I am, matter of fact, the most optimist person on this fucking planet because despite humanity shoving a cactus up its asshole all the time and rooting for billionaires and reactionary dipshits, I still believe that a better world is possible.

And, instead I live in hell, with the rest of the excess misery that's poured onto people from all walks of life by those at the very top.

When I relive the moments of my "old life," which is really so few years, way before I ever felt suicidal, I could hardly consider myself happy. Peaceful, yes. But frustrations pushed me to the brink of insanity until I snapped and actively turned myself into my worst enemy. Which is to say, as if suffering through the hands of others wasn't enough, I also suffered through my own hands.

God damn this life.

I've been everything, a christian, a catholic, an atheist, a liberal, a conservative. But just, damn. If I have to keep dreaming and nothing yields then everything is worthless. You mean to tell me that the expandable universe is so vast it's close to infinite, but here I am suffering from the past and present burdens of modern life?

Like, fuck, yk?

There's glowing beaches in Australia and beautiful mountains in Europe and here I fucking am slaving away, and mind you not paid because I'm still a student.

TL;DR I have very few memories of the life I lived before becoming suicidal, but looking up back at them I don't feel any envy in particular. The world sucks, also

 

[Forever Sleep]

Only very vaguely. I began having thoughts when I was 10. The memories before that were more snatches of moments playing etc.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, because wanting peace from the torture of existing is all I know, for me ceasing to exist is the only positive solution, all I see as positive is being permanently unconscious where this torturous, cruel existence is all gone and forgotten.

To me it'll always be an abomination to suffer in this existence, all that existence does is just torture and harm existing beings with no limit as to how much one can be tortured and I'll just always see it as a mistake to suffer in this existence, no matter what this existence should just never be imposed, there's just so much evil in this terrible, torturous existence and I'd only be glad to never suffer ever again, I just find it so horrific how the torture of existing can continue for so much longer just for one to face the terrible agony of old age.

 

[itsgone2]

Yes. I'm using talk to text here so I apologize for typos. I don't even have my eyes open. I've had balance of both stability and suicidal ideation in life. But the good times I can remember them. It was just last year. I was eating so well and exercising and so active and full of life and energy. Absolutely no one would think I was suicidal. But it turns out my life was completely wrong. I'm just some stupid awkward autistic piece of crap. I'm cruel and heartless and horrible. Maybe I was enjoying my life, but it was a horrible life that isn't worthy of being here. But I couldn't remember how much fun I was having. Work was fun. My hobbies were fine. I listened to music a lot and read. I was studying the Bible. I was working on trying to figure myself out. Cruelly I was almost there. And my job was sold, and that was the real source of my strength. That job gave me purpose in life. Now it's suddenly turned into this awful thing. I just spent the entire weekend in bed. I've never done it before not to that extent. I'll need to do it soon.

 

[DisIsDaPhoenyx]

As far as I can remember I've always had dreams of escaping. When I was younger I used to want to run far far away (Shrek reference) and as I grew older I just realized I can't run away from my life and these problem that come with it. So then we have suicidal thoughts and I can't think of a moment of time where I was living and wouldn't be happy if a bus just took me out. Like you, I don't view it as a bad thing it just is. I know society always views you as a problem that we need to be saved from but, if that's the case then, I don't want to be saved.

 

[Noct]

I can remember memories but I don't remember how it felt. I don't know what that extreme or regular happiness tasted like or what it was like to live life without the misery and pain and dysphoria and loneliness in the back of my head. I have a few specific good memories for sure but I only could tell you they were good generically and what happened, not how it really felt like at all. I would be bluffing/making assumptions based on what I think it would've been like.

Though I think some of it is hard for me to remember since I have predominantly very miserable memories since as young as preschool and had a hard time ever making good friends or having a good over all time. I got bullied badly for many many years and blackmailed with social isolation for a long while and then got hit by crippling dysphoria and subsequent self loathing then family issues and emotion abuse happened so the suicidal thought never left since they started around 10-11.

At this point It just feels like what my life has always been since it's been over a decade and multiple decades since I was little enough to not have a care in the world.

 

[insectontrial]

I've had thoughts of wanting to die since the age of seven. My earliest memories are from age two. So I do recall a time where I wasn't thinking about dying, but I'm now in my mid-twenties, so I've spent most of my life feeling suicidal.

 

[hurts2b]

Mine are largely situational.
During periods of non-suicidality I don't think all that much changes. I'm just marginally less distracted, and things feel more manageable.
I definitely do not change as a person.

 

[Topaz111]

I remember my childhood before suicidal thoughts and mentall pain very very well. In fact, I remember it far, far better than my life after I started getting suicidal thoughts, largely because of the drugs they put me on and the constant dissociation.
I remember before 11, I remember being happy, I remember those times were heaven. Sadly, remembering the time I used to be a happy child makes it far harder for me to CTB now..

 

[FoxSauce]

Mine comes and goes. If I'm ok, is just peace not loud is the best way I can explain

Depending on severety of the situation too

 

[ohwowlovely]

no. ever since I was little. for a long time, I thought everyone had them.

 

[SarahThrowsGin]

No to both questions. There was almost no such time in my life (and for a brief moment it was, things didn't actually go well anyway), and imagining world to be different (which would be prerequisite for me no longer being suicidal) wouldn't magically make it different.

 

[oneirataxia]

I don't think I was ever truly suicidal up until about 10 months ago. I think I was just being stupid and young. I had problems, but I also had things that made me happy.

 

[inkmage333]

I started being suicidal when I was 9....and I can't remember anything before that. Hmm.

 

[hizuchan]

No, it almost feels like I'm nothing without being chronically depressed. It feels like I'm just doomed to live my life being constantly suicidal, like I have rolled a nat 1 at birth. I made my peace with it though

 

[StoneCactus]

I started being suicidal when I was 5 or 6 and understood what death was. Even in the best of times I've wanted to end my life.

 

[Megitsune39]

I can't remember not being suicidal tbh, suicidal thoughts are apart of me atp

 

[embr3ce2026]

Pretty straightforward. I can't remember how life was without the thoughts when I was, say, 6. I know that, at least, thoughts explicitly about suicide weren't there but I can't imagine how it might've felt. Not like I remember my life either way. I have moments when I completely forget about them but a whole life like that? Woah.
Almost everyday I think about suicide one way or another. Most of music I listen to talks about suicide to some extent. My favourite bands and genres they play in literally center their works around suicide and mental health issues. Fortunately the thoughts aren't as uh, serious as they were before. I hope. There're more about suicide as a concept and, if I may, the philosophy of it... Probably sounds pretentious but I don't how to put it in any other way.
I think it has something to do with the fact that suicide and mental health issues became a part of me — well, they are a part of me literally — as a topic that I'm really interested in, the same way as my favourite genre is precious to me. And also with the fact that I do enjoy the feeling of longing/yearning for that melancholy.
Me having/not having them is not a bad or good thing. It's just there, I have the same view on it as on other things in life. But can't lie it is both curious and scary to imagine how it might feel. Fear of the unknown and a little of learnt helplessness, you know

I do! I was very open and hyper as a child and wanted to express myself and entertain everyone around me I remember, but I remember a big turning point being finding out that sometimes people were laughing and cringing AT ME rather then with me around the age of 12/13 which started a struggle with self-love and assertiveness that I still struggle with to this day to a large extent. At that age you become exposed to viciousness of social dynamics and start to slowly understand the realities of life more as you form adult thoughts which stirred the pot a bit more for me and led to my first attempt when I was 13. I haven't had another attempt since then but I'm planning to ctb at 28 or 29 and I can't even give a definitive logical answer as to why really!

 

[vitbar]

I don't clearly remember when they started, or what it was like before. I do remember that near the start they felt less real or powerful. Later they became a near daily torment. Thankfully my meds help. The thoughts might not be gone but they are small and blunt.

 

[PanaxMan]

Pretty straightforward. I can't remember how life was without the thoughts when I was, say, 6. I know that, at least, thoughts explicitly about suicide weren't there but I can't imagine how it might've felt. Not like I remember my life either way. I have moments when I completely forget about them but a whole life like that? Woah.
Almost everyday I think about suicide one way or another. Most of music I listen to talks about suicide to some extent. My favourite bands and genres they play in literally center their works around suicide and mental health issues. Fortunately the thoughts aren't as uh, serious as they were before. I hope. There're more about suicide as a concept and, if I may, the philosophy of it... Probably sounds pretentious but I don't how to put it in any other way.
I think it has something to do with the fact that suicide and mental health issues became a part of me — well, they are a part of me literally — as a topic that I'm really interested in, the same way as my favourite genre is precious to me. And also with the fact that I do enjoy the feeling of longing/yearning for that melancholy.
Me having/not having them is not a bad or good thing. It's just there, I have the same view on it as on other things in life. But can't lie it is both curious and scary to imagine how it might feel. Fear of the unknown and a little of learnt helplessness, you know

It was pure bliss until the way I met despair not of my own doing. It was a weird moment after where I kept it repressed until it showed it's real colors to me

 

[voc_89]

been having them since 2004. So no. Can't really remember. That person seems foreign to me

 

[invisible4ever]

Pretty straightforward. I can't remember how life was without the thoughts when I was, say, 6. I know that, at least, thoughts explicitly about suicide weren't there but I can't imagine how it might've felt. Not like I remember my life either way. I have moments when I completely forget about them but a whole life like that? Woah.
Almost everyday I think about suicide one way or another. Most of music I listen to talks about suicide to some extent. My favourite bands and genres they play in literally center their works around suicide and mental health issues. Fortunately the thoughts aren't as uh, serious as they were before. I hope. There're more about suicide as a concept and, if I may, the philosophy of it... Probably sounds pretentious but I don't how to put it in any other way.
I think it has something to do with the fact that suicide and mental health issues became a part of me — well, they are a part of me literally — as a topic that I'm really interested in, the same way as my favourite genre is precious to me. And also with the fact that I do enjoy the feeling of longing/yearning for that melancholy.
Me having/not having them is not a bad or good thing. It's just there, I have the same view on it as on other things in life. But can't lie it is both curious and scary to imagine how it might feel. Fear of the unknown and a little of learnt helplessness, you know

I don't remember a time when I didn't want to die. I almost drowned at age 8 and I remember thinking peacefully "I'm finally going to die now"