Venting Can I jump without being pushed?

[Angi]

I want to jump. I want to crush myself out of life. Life has been trying to do this, so hard, and I will comply. I checked the odds, the roof I have access to should give me 90% chance to die if I jump feet first, so if I manage to go head first, I should be well and thoroughly dead, I guess. I meant to go a different way, but at the moment I cannot. So jumping it is. I hope I will be gone fast once I hit the asphalt.

Problem is: Whenever I picture myself up there, on my way over the rail, I see my rapist pushing me. I cannot give him power over this last thing in my life. I want to claim my life back, and I cannot seem to make it alive, so I need to find a way to at least end it myself, by my own will. I wish he was here on this website, seeking a way out of this misery of life, for he took my life already and I do not see how he is still entitled to living his. But he continues to live and give a shit about what he has taken.

I do not care to be a "survivor", not of child abuse, not of rape, nor of anything else. Of the people who made me suffer so much, why couldn't one end it? Instead, they took my life away from me in a way that is invisible to others, by occupying my head. I want it back, by smashing it if need be!

 

[9BBN]

I don't know how to help you, but I also know the feeling of not wanting to be a "survivor." I'm sorry for your torment.

 

[angiegirl30]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Please message me if you would like to talk. One victim to another. Sending hugs your way.

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people can be very awful and cruel. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I know that it can be dreadful to live such a miserable existence. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

I am the 'Product' of a Rape back in 1971, l do not blame my mum but l would calmly shove a white hot poker up the Perverts brown eye! instead of seeing the rapist pushing you why don't you try grabbing the turd and taking him over the edge with you? Warm Hugs to You Angi

 

[Angi]

I am the 'Product' of a Rape back in 1971, l do not blame my mum but l would calmly shove a white hot poker up the Perverts brown eye! instead of seeing the rapist pushing you why don't you try grabbing the turd and taking him over the edge with you? Warm Hugs to You Angi

Whoa. I am so sorry to hear this.

I do not harness such rage, yet. I appreciate it in others, though. Currently, I enjoy works of art portraying violence, especially by artists known to be rape or incest victims.

Warm hugs to you as well. May the future treat you better!