Venting can feel myself getting worse

[pinkblur]

i'm so god damn lonely. my mind is thinking about CTB very often now. even when i'm on the road, i have the urge to find a remote place somewhere to drive off a cliff or head on into something really fast. when i have interactions with people in my life, i feel like i'm having the last moments with them, or what could be. i started looking at firearms today. i didn't step foot outside the house once, and lay stuck in bed for about 6 hours straight at one point feeling miserable. i don't want to live my life so lonely like this anymore. i'm tired of 'being strong' and 'working on myself'. i don't know what to do.