Help Can anyone help me find out why my coworker hates me?

[poppyseed222]

First of all, I don't want to "vent", or to "be validated". I actually want a solution even if I have to hear some things that make me feel bad at first.

I have a really amazing job that's very important to me. I definitely don't want to lose it. One thing that makes me super miserable though, is that one of my coworkers is seemingly extremely bothered by my presence, even if I'm just in the same room as him and we don't even talk. I have to spend every day with him and I can't avoid him. The worst thing is that I don't even know why he hates me. Here's how I found out:

So when I started working there, we were the only people who worked full time so we were often the only ones left at work in the afternoon. After a while, I found out that before, he always put on music when he was by himself, but he stopped doing that when I started working there. I thought that maybe he did this because he thought the music bothered me, but actually I like listening to music at work and like at least some similar stuff. So eventually I told him this…. To be clear, if he still hadn't played music after that, I wouldn't have taken it personally. After all, not everyone would share their music with just anyone.

Then one week later a new guy started there, who also worked full time. In the afternoon, the new guy, him and me were the only ones left. So I said bye, I'm leaving now. When I was in the changing room, I realized I forgot something and went back. And I saw that… He played music with the new guy!!!

Surprise! It was never that he thought that the music bothered others. Or that he didn't want to show it to people. It was just me! My presence just made him uncomfortable, I guess.

(Also, the new guy later got fired and my coworker said that he thought he was an idiot. So it's not like they immediately became best buddies)

The degree to which is bothers me is probably insane. I think about it every day. I desperately want him to tell me what his problem with me is. This job is a huge strain on my psyche now, but I can't quit either, because then I will never know. Idk what to do!!! My social skills are really bad, maybe someone else can tell me why he might act that way???

 

[R. A.]

 

[MissAbyss]

Not knowing is unpleasant for most of us, your mind fills in blanks and usually in the harshest way possible. There are many reasons why he might avoid or act cold towards you, and most of them say little about you:

- Maybe he is socially awkward and doesn't know how to be around you, so he avoids signals of friendliness.

- He made a snap judgment early on and never updated it.

- He has some unconscious bias (e.g., toward certain personalities, backgrounds, or traits).

Practical options:

Since you can't control his feelings, the solution lies in how you act and what you can influence. Here are some approaches you can take:

You can approach him in a neutral, work-focused way for direct but "low-risk" clarification. For example: At a calm moment, say: "Hey, I've been picking up that you seem uncomfortable around me sometimes. I don't want to assume things, but if there's anything I do that bothers you, I'd rather know so I can avoid it."

This is non-accusatory and makes it about behavior, not personality. If he brushes it off, you'll at least know you've asked.

Or try something small, neutral gestures; offering coffee, asking a harmless work-related opinion, casual greeting. Not over-friendliness, just consistent politeness. Over time, he might thaw, or at least stop actively avoiding.

You don't need to "solve" his feelings, you just need to stop this situation from hijacking your mental energy. The best outcome is peace of mind, not necessarily friendship.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Some people aren't great with change. So, he obviously had the place to himself for a while and now, he has to work with someone new. Maybe the other person who joined had more in common and they formed a connection quicker. Although, as he described that person as an 'idiot', maybe he's just an intolerant person generally. Maybe he's worried that you'll judge him for his music taste. Maybe he's not interested in making friends at work.

Do you know whether he enjoys the job even? Have you tried to make small talk with him? What are his responses like? Curt and annoyed or, ok?

Sometimes people are just stressed or annoyed with the actual job and they aren't good at concealing that. Is he under a lot of pressure? Are you able to keep up with his pace of work- being new? Sometimes it can be having been put in a stressful situation with someone new. So- most of the stress still falls on your shoulders but all you get is- 'We've given you help now.'

I've worked with people who yapped on about how nice it was to work with my predecessor! It eventually reached crunch time where they said they wished this other person hadn't left, to which I responded- so do I! We at least had common ground that we both hated the task ahead!

It's so easy though, to let your mind run wild with how badly another person thinks of you. Once, I worked for most of the afternoon next to this guy (we were both freelance,) with neither of us saying much at all. I was so stressed in the end that I just kind of snapped and said: 'Shit! Everything's going wrong!' To which he replied, that he was struggling too. We were probably both sitting there thinking we were being judged by the other. Sometimes it can help to reveal a bit of insecurity. It depends on the person though- obviously.

I hope things improve for you.