H0110W
Member
- Sep 22, 2021
- 96
Right now, I am struggling a lot. But I am not 100% hopeless. I would say I am 80% hopeless right about now. I fear that thing may get even worse later on (could be tomorrow or 2 years from now). I think that having a bottle of SN and antiemetics would give me some peace of mind at least. I could always end it all if things become unbearable. I would keep the bottle of SN hidden somewhere safe, out of sight and out of mind, only to be retrieved if things become unbearable. I believe that I have the mental fortitude to not kms anytime soon, unless something catastrophic happens. But having an "exit strategy" ready would give me some peace of mind I guess (not sure if that's the right word, I don't speak english natively). In other words, it would reduce the anxiety of thinking "things can only get worse from now on and there will be no escape".
I can't bring myself to even consider a painful death like hanging, jumping or catching the train from the front. I don't want to traumatize the people who will see my mangled or hanging corpse. That is against all of my morals, this is something very personal and I want it to be private, fairly quick and not painful. I will do it in full privacy and send delayed mails so that people will know what awaits them. Nobody will suffer more than what is natural when someone dies.
And finally, believe me I want to get rid of the depression and negative thoughts that make it nearly impossible for me to function. I want to accept my mistakes and move on. I have a doctor's appointment coming where I will discuss the depression, for the first time in my life at 33, while I have been depressed since I was 16. I am hopeful things will get better. Even posting on SS helped me think clearly about this, and being able to put these negative thoughts into words that other people could read helped me a bit. On the media they claim SS is a forum where people are happy to tell you to kys, but to me at least, it helped me organize my thoughts. I hope nobody is here to tell or convince people to commit suicide for their own pleasure, but the internet is full of sick fucks so even if they are here, I hope nobody falls for their lies.
Now that I've told you all that, anyone else who has a bottle ready but hoping to throw it away? Does it make sense to keep a bottle for peace of mind, or am I sounding insane?
I can't bring myself to even consider a painful death like hanging, jumping or catching the train from the front. I don't want to traumatize the people who will see my mangled or hanging corpse. That is against all of my morals, this is something very personal and I want it to be private, fairly quick and not painful. I will do it in full privacy and send delayed mails so that people will know what awaits them. Nobody will suffer more than what is natural when someone dies.
And finally, believe me I want to get rid of the depression and negative thoughts that make it nearly impossible for me to function. I want to accept my mistakes and move on. I have a doctor's appointment coming where I will discuss the depression, for the first time in my life at 33, while I have been depressed since I was 16. I am hopeful things will get better. Even posting on SS helped me think clearly about this, and being able to put these negative thoughts into words that other people could read helped me a bit. On the media they claim SS is a forum where people are happy to tell you to kys, but to me at least, it helped me organize my thoughts. I hope nobody is here to tell or convince people to commit suicide for their own pleasure, but the internet is full of sick fucks so even if they are here, I hope nobody falls for their lies.
Now that I've told you all that, anyone else who has a bottle ready but hoping to throw it away? Does it make sense to keep a bottle for peace of mind, or am I sounding insane?
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