bushman's recovery diary

[bloodybushman]

7-27-26 / entry 1

hi. i want to do at least one thing every day that progresses my ultimate goal of getting my life together. i think i finally want to live instead of just survive. no zero days anymore.

i'm going to document that here. i find typing easier than writing. in addition, the act of posting something feels like i'm sending it off. i don't want to see these things in my notes app, but i don't want to delete them either. maybe you guys could help keep me accountable. maybe this could help someone. i don't know.

here's my not entirely comprehensive list of goals:

- do my remaining work and graduate, because being an adult still in a highschool program is deeply embarrassing.

- enroll in college. (first, actually decide what i want to do and if i want to go to that tech school.)

- get a part-time job. or even just volunteer at first, if that's a necessary baby step.

- treat my body better. get fit, exercise on a mostly consistent basis, eat healthier. practice good hygiene regularly. fix the acne and scars.

- do... something with my creative hobbies. find out if i want to take them more seriously, i guess. take art commissions? write a whole book? at the very least, just practice once a day.

- lower overall screen time. be more grounded in real life. i've spent the majority of my life in front of screens. i can't live like this.

- get caught up on chores and cleaning. do more for others around the house. be less of an asshole in general.


this entry is technically for the day of 7-26. i tend to stay awake far into the morning. it is currently 5 a.m. on 7-27. i get overwhelmed easily and find the quiet of night comforting, so i stay up for a while. usually not this long, though; i messed up my sleep schedule a few weeks ago.

i didn't do much today. woke up around 3pm then actually got up and took my meds around 4:30pm. thought about cleaning but didn't. cooked a pizza in the airfryer then hopped on my pc to play a game with my friend. ended up with 5 of my friends in the call playing games at the end. i laughed the hardest i have in a long time.

i miss them often these days. we're now all adults with jobs and/or classes. growing up is a weird thing.

had around 6 boiled eggs after the pizza. now realizing all i ate today was a small pizza and eggs. this is why i'm on so many damn vitamins.

i have a ketamine infusion tomorrow (today? after i wake up.) slightly anxious because i signed up for a writing event and the halfway check in is the day after (7-28). i don't even know if i would consider myself halfway done and i'm embarrassed for it to be read in its current state. but i'm not sure how much i can crank out while woozy from ketamine.

i technically didn't do anything to further my goals today, but i'll count creating this. i think my therapist would count it, so i will.

my eyes are getting heavy so i'm going to sleep now. i didn't really proofread this. sorry if it's nonsensical. sorry if i rambled, even though i suppose that's the point here.

goodnight. do something good today.

 

[loneliness0]

I happy to hear you had fun time playing game with friend. Your goals also seem really good start.
I sometimes think of cleaning but not do it.

This part is just idea and i don't know situation. However I noticed you used sentence "...is deeply embarrassing.", I would consider it similar as "external validation is controlling me".

 

[bloodybushman]

7-28-26 / entry 2

entry is, yet again, technically for the day prior (7-27.)

gah, i don't even really remember what i did today. memory issues are a terrible thing.

ok, found a note on my phone that says i threw up in the bathroom sink (why the sink?!) after waking up and taking my meds. it looked mostly like water instead of actual vomit so i'm not sure what that was about. i also wrote that i caught myself turning the stove on and off again.

i think i woke up way earlier than intended and didn't get much sleep. went to the clinic at 3pm, got home at 5:30pm then fell asleep around 6:30pm until 10pm. missed dinner. i... think i read for a bit? it's 5:30am now and i don't know what i've been doing since i woke up, honestly.

so, i didn't do much of anything today. i will let it slide a bit because ketamine plus sleep deprivation equals not a ton of productivity. the fact i didn't abandon this immediately is probably an accomplishment itself. i'm going to try and write a bit before going to sleep to at least get something done.

i don't have a plan for tomorrow. wherever the wind takes me, i suppose. hopefully i'll clean at least a few things up.

loneliness0, thanks for the reply. you make a good point. i used to be a 'gifted kid' and now feel like i'm letting everyone down by being the way i am now. it makes me forget that my education should be for me, and not a way to prove myself to others. maybe some day i'll enjoy it again.

sorry if it's weird i didn't reply directly or quote your message. it feels easier to dump everything here in one go. also, i'm scared of annoying people. which is silly, as it's a reply to my own thread, but human brains are funny things.

thank you everyone for the reactions. thank you for taking the time to read this. i hope the day has been kind to you.

goodnight. do something good today!

 

[NZkiwi]

7-28-26 / entry 2

I look forward to reading entry 3.
you didnt annoy me, warming reading your posts.
keep on going kind stranger