butimstillsoblue
Warrior
- Dec 27, 2024
- 95
I've reached my breaking point. The last straw. The final nail in the coffin has been hit hard with a hammer.
I've been persevering for such a long time, hoping that something would change, that life would improve.
I have had everything required to execute my plan since the start of 2025, and this has given me some quiet comfort. At that time I told myself I would give it another year and reassess. That was a year and 9 months ago.
Because this is a decision I will only make once. I am confident that if I execute my plan, it will not fail.
I see a GP, Psychologist and Psychiatrist very regularly, and have been since my everything fell apart about 3.5 years ago.
Depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and multiple chronic health problems have all been heavy to carry alone. I am not the same person since I survived cancer. I grieve that version of myself every day, but she is long gone. I don't have any family and have gradually lost my long term friends. The person I was going to spend my life with left. Life these days seems to consist of going to work and medical appointments, tests and treatment.
Despite my efforts in work and study, I have failed at a career/job that would allow me to ever afford my own small home. The future is financially terrifying, and only continues to be more so as the cost of living rises. The thought of my chronic illness reducing or stopping my ability to work only makes this seem worse.
From when I was a young child, my father would tell me that I was not someone people would want to know or be around. Turns out he was right.
This week, I learned that my GP of approx 13 years has opted not to have me as a patient anymore. I am absolutely shattered. Having me as a patient must be unbearable. Something I had worried about in the past, that I was too much to tolerate. To lose this person after this amount of time, the trust that has been built, everything we've been through, is more than I can deal with. I can't wrap my head around it.
Granted, any doctor has the right to chose not to see a patient. And my doctor has some personal things happening. First and foremost, I hope they will be alright. I'm devastated to learn that they will still be seeing other patients, so it is in fact, me. I am too much. I am a burden, intolerable. I am so so sorry, I didn't mean to be. I've needed a lot of help, but I didn't intend to drag anyone down with me.
As someone who has many long term risk factors for suicide, on top of everything else, this is something I cannot survive.
I've been persevering for such a long time, hoping that something would change, that life would improve.
I have had everything required to execute my plan since the start of 2025, and this has given me some quiet comfort. At that time I told myself I would give it another year and reassess. That was a year and 9 months ago.
Because this is a decision I will only make once. I am confident that if I execute my plan, it will not fail.
I see a GP, Psychologist and Psychiatrist very regularly, and have been since my everything fell apart about 3.5 years ago.
Depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and multiple chronic health problems have all been heavy to carry alone. I am not the same person since I survived cancer. I grieve that version of myself every day, but she is long gone. I don't have any family and have gradually lost my long term friends. The person I was going to spend my life with left. Life these days seems to consist of going to work and medical appointments, tests and treatment.
Despite my efforts in work and study, I have failed at a career/job that would allow me to ever afford my own small home. The future is financially terrifying, and only continues to be more so as the cost of living rises. The thought of my chronic illness reducing or stopping my ability to work only makes this seem worse.
From when I was a young child, my father would tell me that I was not someone people would want to know or be around. Turns out he was right.
This week, I learned that my GP of approx 13 years has opted not to have me as a patient anymore. I am absolutely shattered. Having me as a patient must be unbearable. Something I had worried about in the past, that I was too much to tolerate. To lose this person after this amount of time, the trust that has been built, everything we've been through, is more than I can deal with. I can't wrap my head around it.
Granted, any doctor has the right to chose not to see a patient. And my doctor has some personal things happening. First and foremost, I hope they will be alright. I'm devastated to learn that they will still be seeing other patients, so it is in fact, me. I am too much. I am a burden, intolerable. I am so so sorry, I didn't mean to be. I've needed a lot of help, but I didn't intend to drag anyone down with me.
As someone who has many long term risk factors for suicide, on top of everything else, this is something I cannot survive.
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