Break

[Water-Lily]

I feel like I am going to break one day, and I'd rather die before it happens

I dissociate a lot at home to survive. I know I will never get the validation I crave or the love I want in the way I want it. My family is incapable of that so I know what to expect/not expect so I don't bother. I am also processing some heavy trauma my mom left me with and I just know one day I will not survive. One day I will break down, cry, scream, and have a fucking big ass episode that will result in either me hurting myself, someone else (hopefully not) or end up taking my life. I have written a letter to my therapist venting/detailing my inner thoughts. It's all just hard and I always tell myself it'd be easier to commit suicide than deal with this mess

I don't know how long I can keep living like this. Seevre trauma ruined my entire life up until this point. I don't want to "start over" at 24. So much as been robbed I don't believe I can get better. The trauma effects of the abuse will always be permanent to a degree. Recovery is a pain and I feel so ashamed of who I am. I was in my own mind during job training. The people were kind and I expect a better experience than my last job, or at the very least I am a bit more eager to learn/try standing up for myself now. But. I am just tired. Thinking how people feel being around an abuse victim like me or a dumb suicidal bitch. I just hate myself and I'm done

I just know that one day it's gonna be too much. One day I am gonna break. One day I will not be able to handle it. The dissociation will only take me so far. I will snap one day, and it won't be pretty.

If I do kill myself, I hope I won't be too impulsive. I hope I know what I am getting into. I think I will do more research into suicide methods. Just to give myself control incase I go that route. I know I will attempt suicide again. It's inevitable. Only I don't want to fail the next time.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, this life is just so cruel and unfair, it really is such a horrible world that we live in. I can imagine that it must have been unbearable what you have been through. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, this life is just so cruel and unfair, it really is such a horrible world that we live in. I can imagine that it must have been unbearable what you have been through. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you.
My job is going poorly. My other trainees have been able to make 4 coffees well. I only managed a messily latte and messed up making everything else. It was to a point where my manager asked if I needed a break to calm down as I was not listening to her words. I have to get these 3 coffees down packed by today and I feel like giving up and throwing away my life. Every mistake I make and every correction reminds me of my mom abusing me. My family neglecting me and my brother making me cry. He's 16 and he already has that power. I'm done. I feel like all I am is lifes bitch. I'm the person everyone messes with because I have no fucking back bone. Im always staying silent and is afraid to speak up

I am permanently damaged and ruined by trauma. I know I am going to be let go as I won't be able to do this training right. This is another sign from the universe that I was stupid to not have committed suicide earlier. But I am too chicken and afraid of failing suicide. And I guess there's a part of me doesn't want to die

That just makes me a mega big ass failure. So shitty, taking up space, and awful, and can't die

Someone just shoot me or run me over. Finish the job for me because I am too stupid to not do it myself