Brave new (inner) world

[paranoidpeasant]

Gonna quit trying to ctb... BUT

I'm stupid as hell, now. I've been an agoraphobic for a long time. I've pushed people away. I damaged my reputation.

I feel like being stupid is fine- I'm a woman, the culture around me is so misogynistic that it's not a barrier. It's just that now I'm prone to dumber decisions.

Agoraphobia has made me weirder and destroyed any social skills I once had (weak as they were to start). My biggest social skill is my empathy- but that's it. It's not working out for me.

The reputation thing I go back and forth on... Like, any reputation is salvageable if you have social skills (I totally don't, but I'm trying to develop them).

I'm trying really hard to be more social, which is just me being so, so much less sensitive as I know people are going to respond strongest to my stupidity.

It's not that I WANT to live... It's just that I feel cursed to do so, so I might as well make the best of it.

I refuse to get into a romantic relationship. I never learned how to make/keep friendships. I have no value to the people around me. Any and all romantic relationships I've ever had have been abusive, I have no defense skills, verbally, physically, none. I do not believe I can attract a healthy partner- healthy people are looking for other healthy people.

I see that I have a lot of cognitive distortions that cognitive behavioral therapy might be able to address. I do believe in the brains ability to develop new neuropathways.

Can a person make it through this changing world just on sheer 'gonna-make-the-best-of-this'?

I think so, I really do. Everyone's gonna die some day.

I'm almost forty. I don't think I'm too old to learn new tricks, but I do think it's going to be super, super challenging.

Plus I really don't care about too many things. I know I listed reputation as a concern, but I know what people clap at, so I don't care what makes them boo.

I don't know what the point of this is. Like, 'do you think recovery is possible' isn't appropriate here, because I know that I will make 'some' recovery, but I don't expect a 'full' recovery.

I've always worked hard at what I believe in.

I dunno, anyone else in the in between? Anyone else recovering because they lost faith in the ctb approach? I'm mourning the comfort of the belief that I could just ctb whenever I lost my way. I'm mourning lost opportunities. I'm regretting my refusal to socialize.

I'm climbing a personal mount Everest. One that I've never trained for (I believe being social is the first necessary step)

Goodbye old ctb self. I'm going to miss you, so, so much. Hello to the stranger full of faith and fantasies.

Uncharted territory. Unfamiliar. Full of too many promises to believe in them all.

I think I accidentally discovered purpose (to keep calm and carry on) and I'm mad/sad/mourning how much I really, really enjoyed just being a shut in, and trying to ctb sooner rather than later as a coping mechanism.

Anyone else?

 

[Hvergelmir]

I feel like being stupid is fine- I'm a woman, the culture around me is so misogynistic that it's not a barrier.

You're right in that it won't be a social barrier. By self-identifying like that you'll set yourself up to attract misogynistic circles, who find stupidity attractive.
It's not inherently wrong, but your wording make me doubt that you'd like it.

Empathy, determination and a drive to overcome adversity are traits from your post, that in my experience attract much better people.
As your brain will try to maintain a sense of self, it's worth considering what identity you're trying to shape, and what kind of circles it'll attract.

 

[southofsomewhere]

I was also in a very similar position as you. I began to neglect a lot of things in my life due to the constant thought of "Oh I'm just going to ctb, why does any of this matter"? It led to relationships I had deteriorating and my studies took a complete dip. I found purpose through my job, which pretty much forces me to interact with people, which has improved my life for the better. New experiences and the unknown can be scary, but you've gotta say "fuck it" and jump to reach the other side.