Help BPD, Losing FP and no reason to live

[madsxcxc]

Hi, I've run out of ideas for what I can do to get better so I wanted to reach out to see if anyone had any advice. I'll give some backstory:

I had a friend who was my best friend for about 10 years, who I met online during high school through a common interest. We went on to go to the same college and roomed together for a couple of years. I'd always felt very attached to him.

I've dealt with depression/SI since my teenage years. My best friend was very important to me in that my interactions with him were some of the only times I felt alive and happy. I didn't know it at the time, but my life purpose was to basically stick around until the next time I got to see him / play games with him.

I began transitioning to a woman during college. Eventually, I experienced changes in my sexuality and began having feelings for him. He reciprocated and we had an on/off situationship/relationship. The intimate moments I spent with him are the greatest moments of my life. It feels insanely magical to become that close with a longtime best friend. I wanted to marry him.

Work stress / BPD eventually led to me acting out and having some moments I'm not proud of (manipulation by showing him my self harm, exploding at him over text). Eventually, I pushed him too far and he no longer wanted to be in any sort of relationship with me. At some point he got on dating apps and starting seeing someone else, who I assume he's still with today (he started seeing her a little over a year ago at this point).

For the past year, my mind has been tortured with ruminations over what happened. I wonder why the handful of mistakes I made were enough for him to throw away the possibility of a relationship with a best friend of 10 years. I wonder why he never confronted me over those mistakes until it was too late to talk about them. I wonder how he thought it was okay to purposely keep it a secret from me that he was seeing other people while still sleeping with me, knowing how much I loved him. I wonder if we were ever actually best friends if he thought our romantic relationship wasn't something he was willing to try everything for.

I've been in my deepest depression since he told me he was seeing someone else. My SI/SH have peaked. I have daily intrusive thoughts and unwanted flashbacks about him leaving me / being with someone else. My OCD has also gotten ten times worse. I've been on leave from work for about 8 months and don't believe I can hold a job anymore. I've attended an IOP, PHP, and a residential program with no success. If you're familiar with BPD, you might know about the concept of a favorite person. It's basically someone who's presence / behavior dictates our feelings of self-worth, emotional stability, or enjoyment of life. He was my favorite person.

We haven't talked for about 6 months now out of necessity, and my life is unbearble without him. There's nothing I want to do, nothing I care about, no reason to live now. It's been a year since he left me and the pain hasn't gotten any easier. I try to tend to my inner child and engage with my hobbies but nothing is enough. I hate being alive. I'm scared I'll never experience the happiness I got from him ever again and it makes me unbearably sad that we'll never get married. It also doesn't help that I'm a trans woman which makes finding someone else to date hell (not that I want to date anyone else anyways).

I don't want to kill myself but I can't get rid of the pain and I hate my life so much. The pain just doesn't end and there's a giant void in my heart that can't be filled because he's gone. I have no idea what to do :(( I have nothing to live for anymore. I've never had to experience a life of depression/BPD without him. Please let me know if you have any ideas :(

Thx 4 reading.

 

[ThatsAllFolks2218]

Hi, I've run out of ideas for what I can do to get better so I wanted to reach out to see if anyone had any advice. I'll give some backstory:

I had a friend who was my best friend for about 10 years, who I met online during high school through a common interest. We went on to go to the same college and roomed together for a couple of years. I'd always felt very attached to him.

I've dealt with depression/SI since my teenage years. My best friend was very important to me in that my interactions with him were some of the only times I felt alive and happy. I didn't know it at the time, but my life purpose was to basically stick around until the next time I got to see him / play games with him.

I began transitioning to a woman during college. Eventually, I experienced changes in my sexuality and began having feelings for him. He reciprocated and we had an on/off situationship/relationship. The intimate moments I spent with him are the greatest moments of my life. It feels insanely magical to become that close with a longtime best friend. I wanted to marry him.

Work stress / BPD eventually led to me acting out and having some moments I'm not proud of (manipulation by showing him my self harm, exploding at him over text). Eventually, I pushed him too far and he no longer wanted to be in any sort of relationship with me. At some point he got on dating apps and starting seeing someone else, who I assume he's still with today (he started seeing her a little over a year ago at this point).

For the past year, my mind has been tortured with ruminations over what happened. I wonder why the handful of mistakes I made were enough for him to throw away the possibility of a relationship with a best friend of 10 years. I wonder why he never confronted me over those mistakes until it was too late to talk about them. I wonder how he thought it was okay to purposely keep it a secret from me that he was seeing other people while still sleeping with me, knowing how much I loved him. I wonder if we were ever actually best friends if he thought our romantic relationship wasn't something he was willing to try everything for.

I've been in my deepest depression since he told me he was seeing someone else. My SI/SH have peaked. I have daily intrusive thoughts and unwanted flashbacks about him leaving me / being with someone else. My OCD has also gotten ten times worse. I've been on leave from work for about 8 months and don't believe I can hold a job anymore. I've attended an IOP, PHP, and a residential program with no success. If you're familiar with BPD, you might know about the concept of a favorite person. It's basically someone who's presence / behavior dictates our feelings of self-worth, emotional stability, or enjoyment of life. He was my favorite person.

We haven't talked for about 6 months now out of necessity, and my life is unbearble without him. There's nothing I want to do, nothing I care about, no reason to live now. It's been a year since he left me and the pain hasn't gotten any easier. I try to tend to my inner child and engage with my hobbies but nothing is enough. I hate being alive. I'm scared I'll never experience the happiness I got from him ever again and it makes me unbearably sad that we'll never get married. It also doesn't help that I'm a trans woman which makes finding someone else to date hell (not that I want to date anyone else anyways).

I don't want to kill myself but I can't get rid of the pain and I hate my life so much. The pain just doesn't end and there's a giant void in my heart that can't be filled because he's gone. I have no idea what to do :(( I have nothing to live for anymore. I've never had to experience a life of depression/BPD without him. Please let me know if you have any ideas :(

Thx 4 reading.

I understand where you are coming from. I personally dont have a FP ( and I hope to never have one again), so I identify the hell you are going through. I was implementing DBT skills but i ha e set myself back recently. I want to take it up again. One I used is TIPP which helps me calm down due to T= Temperature. I know I have intuition to get back where i was while I was in IOP. Especially when I journaled alot, read my two books I have been reading. And i know its cliche, practicing self love, patience and compassion will help. One of the excersises I learned in group is to be like " I understand why you are doing this brain, and I thank you for it. But j have to live my life in the present". I feels like for you, maybe thank your brain for feeling those feelings nstead of shaming them. I also have OCD, so I can get stuck in that Negative Feedback Loop.