Venting Bought The Bus Ticket.

[enlightened_suicide]

So I bought my SN back when I was wanting to ctb badly, but decided to wait until April to do go through with anything ... it has been sitting in the drawer for about 3 months now..laughing in my fucking face...
I tried to do things the right way and I actually did so full heartedly,(I sought help, tried to hold down a job, got all the useless things that make these bots happy) but I can't take this. I don't know what to do anymore. This shit is fucking pointless.
Everything is grey, food has lost taste, drugs have become useless when they used to help cover up these feelings, now all it does is encourage and strengthen, my Suicidal idealization .
I don't feel anything except occasional sadness in the midst of being completely numb. People are fake, and they wouldn't care less if you were bleeding out in the road..as long as you don't mess up the "AMAZING" life that everybody is trying to find.. I don't understand what the fuck, people think about, that they don't wanna ctb and wake up from this nightmare.
Everything has become pointless.. again. But this is the first time I've accepted knowing,feeling, and understanding it .

I Plan to CTB very soon
thanks for reading. :(

**Edit: sorry I haven't been around the forum as much, i tried.

 

[FreedomInDeath]

Good luck. Life doesn't get better unless your state of mind changes and in reality that can be very difficult. Hope you find peace whatever your decision is.

 

[faust]

I am sorry you are experiencing this in your life.
This sounds like an anhedonia which of course can trigger your suicidality.
I think many people just do not consider such an option and there are endless reasons why they don't. From society to personal beliefs.
Or maybe they just don't have these thoughts, who may know.
Do not worry, if you are not feeling alright enough to post something, interact, we understand everything

 

[Notabadguy]

I think you're depressed. I hope you the best, whatever the decision you take.

 

[mutiny45]

I wonder if you have found your peace yet