Venting Bizarre mix of emotions

[itsbigbraintime]

I have no idea how to describe this feeling. It's like I'm doing okay, I'm incredibly bored, and yet I'm completely hopeless and depressed. So maybe that's not okay? I have no idea. Some days I'll be planning out my future like I'm thinking of sticking around, and other times, I'll start planning out my death. There's been a few times lately that I've almost ctb impulsively, and I think to myself "That wouldn't really be so bad." I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I'd like to give up, every day is completely exhausting and I find no point in anything. But then I become hyperfixated on something for a while, and I keep going. I'm basically one major inconvenience away from ending it. What do you guys do when you get like this?

 

[Midgardsorm]

Hi !

Not a doctor here.

But something might be changing your mood constantly. Does that happen without no apparent reason? Like: You're fine, but then you're not. Without nothing happening to change your way of thinking, or make you upset.

There are a few mind disorders that changes completely how we feel. It would be nice to have a check with a psychiatrist. ( Maybe without talking about ctb or something like that ).
IF you get diagnosed with any of those disorders. Well I must warn you about what you're already know; They are a huge pain. But some treatments might help.

Wish you the best. In whatever path you choose.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I understand. When I have nothing on which to focus, or when my mind decides to focus on the reasons for suicidal ideations, those are the impulsive times. Then something appears that wants my attention and I go after that and almost forget about the deaire to just die.

I call myself a Prepper, I do things that will help me survive a disaster. Store extra food, extra home security, things like that. Why?? I just finished a small home improvement project. Just bought a new computer. I have guns for self defense. Why do any of this if I want to die?

I know if I stay busy and focus on some activity, learn new things, keep my mind from wandering, I feel better.

It's like wandering from room to room, some dark, some lighted. I fumble around in the dark, manage to find the exit, and step back into the light. Then I stumble back into the dark. I am learning to notice when I am headed in that dark direction. So during this current good time, I have stocked up on project stuff. Fabric for curtains. Wood for a minor home project. Books that I want to read. Each requires learning something. Keeping my mind out of the dark. Most times, it helps. Now and then, though, it's a free fall.