Story BITTERTOAD'S JOURNAL 002

[bitterToad]

Men can't love, they can only own. Their entire psychology and culture is built around insecurity. That's why they fear sexual women, they fear not being able to own what they want, to the point that they will destroy it.

You will never ever be loved by a man, but you want it so desperately you will believe it is true until it is too late.

He will cheat on you, and that will be fine because he has needs, but if you try to meet your needs - openly and honestly outside the relationship - he will destroy you.

No one human can meet all your needs, that is just not realistic - so you are either forced to marry the guy you want to fuck and be best friends with the guy you actually love, or marry the guy you actually love and never be satisfied. Both men will throw you away out of the fear of not owning you.

A man will destroy your home, family and everything you've worked for to protect his own ego. He does not see you as a whole, he doesn't have the capacity for it, and will not ever care about your growth and well-being. He owns you and the children, that is why he doesn't remember their names or important events in your lives. Men cannot love, never trust them, never let them near the family. Used them to procreate and throw them away.

They can see themselves, their needs, their fears - they cannot see the other. They don't grow. They will demand respect but give you none. Never trust them.

They will mutilate, abuse and control you to own you. Men are not worthy of love, because they can not return it.

 

[Sleeper System]

I guess in your world women are perfect.
Sounds like your choices in men are the problem.
Heavily disagree with this generalization.
I'll just chalk it up to your personal experience and dismiss it.

If I was a girl id ask about your relationship with your father and who hurt you to make you feel this way in an attempt to dime store psycho analyze you with my not degree and intuition.

 

[bitterToad]

I guess in your world women are perfect.
Sounds like your choices in men are the problem.
Heavily disagree with this generalization.
I'll just chalk it up to your personal experience and dismiss it.

If I was a girl id ask about your relationship with your father and who hurt you to make you feel this way in an attempt to dime store psycho analyze you with my not degree and intuition.

Women are not perfect, but they don't create systemic oppression over others to use and control them the way men do and have for all of history.
= = = = =
Since posting this however, I learnt something about myself and I will say that I am wrong: Some men can love, but they are rare.
I will say a lot of people hurt me and I ended up hurting the few good ones in return, even when I tried not to.
I am stupid, I can't see or trust the good people - I can't tell them apart from the bad ones.
With the one good one I could tell apart, I acted extremely cruel and selfishly.
I hurt him badly, and lost everything as a consequence.
That is something I can't live with. There's nothing noble about it, I'm a fucking retarded, cowardly monster and I deserve to suffer.
But the suffering hurts so I will exterminate myself instead. I am not a good person.

But my sins and my confusion do not change history. It does not change that for the majority of men what I wrote holds true.
But I don't deserve good people, I am not a good person.

 

[bitterToad]

Nevermind, there's new evidence. I'm not sure anymore, I'm still confused. I can't tell, I think I was right, men can't love, but I can't tell. I dunno. And honestly who fucking cares, it's the people who remain's problem now. I don't think men can love.

I've been collecting my thoughts in a journal, I'll post it right before I go. It has all the thoughts.
I don't think men can love because you can't love if you are insecure and I've never met a man who wasn't insecure.

 

[bitterToad]

I think people can't love. Men just come with extra cultural and historical baggage that makes them more unlikely to love than women. I can't tell if there's a biological element to it. I think a man loved me, but I can't tell for certain. Either way, I fucked up and hurt him, I ruined everything and it cost me everything as a result.

= = = = =

Everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to be valid. We want to be appreciated for the parts of ourselves we treasure and accepted for the parts of ourselves we dislike. In spite of how we feel about it as a group, attention is a need - same as food, sleep, safety, etc. We are a social animal, intense isolation, even among other people in a super busy city, is very bad for us.

Another question is: Can **you** love? Can you find someone not just valid, but adore them for the parts of themselves that they love and want to share, and accept and help them carry the parts of themselves that are disgusting, disturbing or harmful?

I'm not saying you should be someone's psychologist or parent, or permanently sit with their struggles to the point that it makes you unwell, but could you wake up every day and choose, support and appreciate a partner? That's the work part of love. Are you ready? It takes a ton of growth, of self-awareness and relationship practice, and lots of studying and coming to terms with concepts and systems. All humans, of all ages, all matches, all types, all cultures, regularly fail at this.

The probability of excellent synergy, is extremely rare - so much needs to match: Your lifestyles, your interests, your ideology, your psychology, your physiology, and then those things have to stay matched over years, while you both grow and change. That is so rare and difficult.
I am personally convinced most long term relationships have a power dynamic where one person sacrifices more than the other, and/or there is some type of co-dependence that goes unaddressed. But I'm also a nihilist.

Unconditional love, the filling kind that builds you up as a person, usually comes from parents - if yours didn't provide it, it is likely something you have unfortunately missed out on.

My last psychologist gave me a book about loneliness, I don't recall the name, but a part that stuck out to me was where the author compared being lonely to the story of the Flying Dutchman:

Some sky-pirate ghost is cursed to never touch ground, he can never be among humans again, so he sails around howling in pain. People hear his howling and hide away, close their windows and doors, he is being the storm, the storm is scary. Until one woman recognizes the howl for what it really is - loneliness, which breaks the curse, he can touch ground and lives out a happy life with her.

With loneliness there is nothing you can do, but work on yourself holistically and put yourself out there, hoping someone with the necessary perspective notices you and answers your call. And even then it's not necessarily true love or for life.

Depending on how open-minded and experienced you are there are polyamorous groups and activities that can emulate a sense of belonging and security, but success is pretty variable.

Humans can endure insane torture when they have a sense of purpose, what's your purpose? Family, career, pleasure, fame, status, power, truth - whatever. Focus in on that, lean on that to create your own stability because genuine love is something you prepare for and luck into, if you're lucky.