Biggest worry about suicide

[femcelloser]

My parents don't respect my trans identity and I just fear I'll be detransitioned after my death. The thought of being put in a suit and getting my hair cut post mortum during my funeral or my gravestone having my deadname on it horrifies me. None of my friends that even care enough about my trans identity don't live close to me so it's not like anything will be done. It's just something I am very very scared by. One of the only things stopping me currently honestly

 

[Jadeith]

It's just a shell you leave behind. When you ctb it would be damaged beyond repair anyway.
But, if you are worried that your body would be treated afterwards against your beliefs and wishes, you can try to either hide it or destroy it in the ctb process.
Complicated, i know but not impossible.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

For a number of years I had a similar mindset - I really really really didn't want to leave behind a body I wasn't satisfied with? I'm not sure how to correctly articulate the feeling but despite being acutely aware of the fact I'll CTB eventually I just could not and would not let myself CTB before I started transitioning, at the very least. Even now, everyday I work on my body and transitioning. Which I suppose I recognize as a bit weird given I'm at three attempts, I just - so long as I do live I have give transitioning my all.

I realize I may have deviated a bit from the intention of your post, it's just I do see a bit of myself or past self in your writing. Though it pains me to hear about your social circumstances (I hope that's okay to say, not sure how to navigate this sort of thing on SaSu (＞人＜;)) - I'm more fortunate in that regard, so for me it was more I guess about leaving a body behind I was satisfied with? Or like I tried? Though in a similar vein, albeit a different approach I did always think a closed casket funeral would an appropriate end too (hence attempting train CTB). I would just imagine the catharsis of final being able to take out my frustrations once and for all on my body - I think to a lesser degree this drive also fuels my SH.

 

[Arin]

My parents don't respect my trans identity and I just fear I'll be detransitioned after my death. The thought of being put in a suit and getting my hair cut post mortum during my funeral or my gravestone having my deadname on it horrifies me. None of my friends that even care enough about my trans identity don't live close to me so it's not like anything will be done. It's just something I am very very scared by. One of the only things stopping me currently honestly

If you want to CTB you have to come to terms with the fact that you will have no control over anything that happens after your death. You won't be there to stop or change things. This also used to be one of the things preventing me from mentally being prepared to CTB (I'm trans too, but ftm), but I managed to move past it after I realised that I won't be there to feel the pain of what people do and say about me after my death. They want to call me "she" and dress me up in a skirt and smear lipstick on my face for my funeral? Fuck it, I won't be around to feel the dysphoria. The pain of living is having to experience the hurt that comes from how people view you. This pain goes away after death - you can no longer be hurt since you're not there to experience it.

That being said, the most you can probably do is write a will specifying certain requirements for burial - they'll kind of have to respect that if it's official. Describe in detail what you want to happen and make sure to include information about what name you want on the gravestone (assuming you're going with a burial), as well as how you want everything to be regarding clothing, decorations, etc. You don't even have to go with a traditional burial if you don't want to - another common method is cremation. It's the one I'll be going with since all that's really left is ash - no bones or flesh or anything. Nothing to identify what I once was.

Good luck with whatever it is you choose to do. You have my support and best wishes.