Being truly alone is very scary

[discernment]

I think chronic loneliness will probably kill me. I can't face another winter like this and another Christmas on my own. I self harmed really badly last night and i'm just in a lot of pain and i'm scared of how easy it has become to really hurt myself. I have no energy or motivation to do anything besides lie in bed or lie on my sofa and doomscroll.

I honestly just want to end everything. There isn't even a single person that I would have to write a letter to. The only thing stopping me is that I have two cats, and that is a very big thing to me because I can't just leave them. Maybe the best thing to do at this point would be to re-home them so I can CTB but rehoming them will completely break me.

 

[tonicer]

It seems like you have two cute anchors there. I only have my mother. She turns 80 next year and if she dies i have no reason to keep going. I tried to build a life but i am now 43 and i don't have a job or a girlfriend or a friend or money. I studied my ass off and got a really good degree in computer science but no matter where i apply i only get rejected. I had over 20 interviews in the past 24 months and all rejected me without any reason given. I guess my ugliness must be off the chart. I still try to get a job because i want to support my mother but it seems hopeless. If i was you i would also re-home my cats to a really nice place with good people but if you can't do it you have to wait for them to go first.

 

[discernment]

It seems like you have two cute anchors there. I only have my mother. She turns 80 next year and if she dies i have no reason to keep going. I tried to build a life but i am now 43 and i don't have a job or a girlfriend or a friend or money. I studied my ass off and got a really good degree in computer science but no matter where i apply i only get rejected. I had over 20 interviews in the past 24 months and all rejected me without any reason given. I guess my ugliness must be off the chart. I still try to get a job because i want to support my mother but it seems hopeless. If i was you i would also re-home my cats to a really nice place with good people but if you can't do it you have to wait for them to go first.

Thank you for the reply. I definitely wouldn't ever leave the cats without someone to care for them. I hope you're able to find a job soon, i'm not sure what country you're in but where I am, the job market is really poor especially at the moment, and there are so many people with good degrees that are struggling to find any work at all. It's really frustrating that we do everything 'right' in terms of trying to build a life for ourselves but for some reason it just doesn't work out that way in reality

 

[tonicer]

Thank you for the reply. I definitely wouldn't ever leave the cats without someone to care for them. I hope you're able to find a job soon, i'm not sure what country you're in but where I am, the job market is really poor especially at the moment, and there are so many people with good degrees that are struggling to find any work at all. It's really frustrating that we do everything 'right' in terms of trying to build a life for ourselves but for some reason it just doesn't work out that way in reality

I am a German living in Germany. I think i have a higher chance of winning the lottery than getting a job.

 

[unluckysadness]

I can relate because I'm forced to like like an hermit since more than 5 years. I'm 44, disabled (rare disease), no friends or partner, still virgin, no work, cannot drive anymore, severe social phobia and anxiety, PTSD, ... I stop the list, it's too sad. I hope to leave soon. I'm also eligible for VAD in Switzerland. My mother will take my cat. I only have this cat and thousands of records (thanks to neurodivergence / autism). All my days are on screens. hen I wake up, I'm waitinf for the night, and at nights I just want to die in my sleep.

 

[butimstillsoblue]

@discernment Being alone is incredibly scary. I am alone except for my cat. Sometimes I feel pathetic because of that, but every time I hear of someone else like you who only has their cat(s) I do feel a little less alone. Perhaps there are a lot more of us than we realise.

I have no family, no friends. Christmas alone every year doesn't become any less painful.

I understand the pain after self harm. It hits different when you know you did it to yourself.

I completely understand having no motivation or energy.

I also tried to do what was 'right' - to get an education and make a better life for myself, but it didn't work out. I work a job that pays a lot less and it's becoming increasingly difficult to work with my chronic illness and mental health.

After reading what you wrote @tonicer I realise I should be grateful to have a job, even though it is not what I studied for. I truly hope you get a job soon

 

[discernment]

I can relate because I'm forced to like like an hermit since more than 5 years. I'm 44, disabled (rare disease), no friends or partner, still virgin, no work, cannot drive anymore, severe social phobia and anxiety, PTSD, ... I stop the list, it's too sad. I hope to leave soon. I'm also eligible for VAD in Switzerland. My mother will take my cat. I only have this cat and thousands of records (thanks to neurodivergence / autism). All my days are on screens. hen I wake up, I'm waitinf for the night, and at nights I just want to die in my sleep.

I'm sorry :( I also live with PTSD, its so difficult. I did look at VAD in Switzerland, I don't know where I would get the money from but the bigger problem is that i'm in the UK and they require you to travel with someone who can deal with all of the processes after the VAD in Switzerland and I genuinely don't have anyone that I could take. Have you applied?

@discernment Being alone is incredibly scary. I am alone except for my cat. Sometimes I feel pathetic because of that, but every time I hear of someone else like you who only has their cat(s) I do feel a little less alone. Perhaps there are a lot more of us than we realise.

I have no family, no friends. Christmas alone every year doesn't become any less painful.

I understand the pain after self harm. It hits different when you know you did it to yourself.

I completely understand having no motivation or energy.

I also tried to do what was 'right' - to get an education and make a better life for myself, but it didn't work out. I work a job that pays a lot less and it's becoming increasingly difficult to work with my chronic illness and mental health.

After reading what you wrote @tonicer I realise I should be grateful to have a job, even though it is not what I studied for. I truly hope you get a job soon

Definitely, whenever I have met someone in real life who seems to be in the same situation it then turns out that they do actually have friends and family so its not quite the same as our situation, but its also kind of taboo to talk about loneliness and to tell people that you literally don't have anyone to rely on, which makes it even more isolating because you can't ever recognise anyone else who is in the same situation. I hope this makes some sort of sense lol.

My job is also low paying and unrelated to my degree, and my financial situation is not good, which is a huge stress, but, I am still grateful for it. I've never kept a job for more than a year in the past due to my MH. The system just isn't set up for people like us

 

[Humppasonni]

I think chronic loneliness will probably kill me. I can't face another winter like this and another Christmas on my own. I self harmed really badly last night and i'm just in a lot of pain and i'm scared of how easy it has become to really hurt myself. I have no energy or motivation to do anything besides lie in bed or lie on my sofa and doomscroll.

I honestly just want to end everything. There isn't even a single person that I would have to write a letter to. The only thing stopping me is that I have two cats, and that is a very big thing to me because I can't just leave them. Maybe the best thing to do at this point would be to re-home them so I can CTB but rehoming them will completely break me.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. I know what loneliness can do to you, I have self harmed in the past, for me it was a way to deal with extreme emotional pain, it was not very effective method though. I really hope you can find someone to talk to, someone who sincerely cares about you and wants to spend time with you.
PS. Cats are awesome, I was considering to get another rescue cat after my Kasper died, but I can't trust my self to be able to take good care of one atm. I hope I didn't offend you in my ramblings, I'm really bad at this.

 

[discernment]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. I know what loneliness can do to you, I have self harmed in the past, for me it was a way to deal with extreme emotional pain, it was not very effective method though. I really hope you can find someone to talk to, someone who sincerely cares about you and wants to spend time with you.
PS. Cats are awesome, I was considering to get another rescue cat after my Kasper died, but I can't trust my self to be able to take good care of one atm. I hope I didn't offend you in my ramblings, I'm really bad at this.

You didn't offend me at all don't worry :) I appreciate the response cats are my favourite

 

[Humppasonni]

There is just something about cats, something enigmatic, something you can't ever quite figure out. What breed of cats do you have? My cat was a mixed-breed common cat. My cat helped me through some very difficult times, I wish you all the best, I hope you will find that some1, that cure for your loneliness.

 

[discernment]

There is just something about cats, something enigmatic, something you can't ever quite figure out. What breed of cats do you have? My cat was a mixed-breed common cat. My cat helped me through some very difficult times, I wish you all the best, I hope you will find that some1, that cure for your loneliness.

Thank you, I hope so too Honestly, i'm not 100% sure as they are both rescue cats that I adopted so I don't know their history, but I think mine are just mixed breeds too!

 

[Humppasonni]

It says alot about a person who adopts a cat, or any animal. I keep telling my self that 'no matter how hard you have failed at life, as a person, you are not so bad. I hope all the best for you, what ever that means to you.

 

[Russell1882]

I think chronic loneliness will probably kill me. I can't face another winter like this and another Christmas on my own.

For me it's actually summer that's the worst - seeing people going on holidays, trips, enjoying the good weather while I'm stuck by myself.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

I am a German living in Germany. I think i have a higher chance of winning the lottery than getting a job.

I am here too, and that is so surprising condsidering your degree. It always seemed to me that everyone was searching for IT people.
Might be that at this point everyone is thinking something along those lines: "If no one wanted him yet, why should I?"... I don't know. Sad world, when no one gives you a chance. I wish you all the luck in the world that it works out since you seem to be willing to put in the work to apply again and again even though it seems not to work out. Most people would've just given up at this point.

Being alone is incredibly scary. I am alone except for my cat. Sometimes I feel pathetic because of that, but every time I hear of someone else like you who only has their cat(s) I do feel a little less alone. Perhaps there are a lot more of us than we realise.

There probably is more of us than we realize and these kind of conversations are soothing to an extend, but in the end they don't change the shittiness of the situation sadly. It does help to feel a little less alone tho, I agree.

I also tried to do what was 'right' - to get an education and make a better life for myself, but it didn't work out. I work a job that pays a lot less and it's becoming increasingly difficult to work with my chronic illness and mental health.

Same, didn't work out for me either, at the point where I finally finished studying which I only barely got done with a lot of help from my dad I was already in such a bad place that the daily struggle made it impossible for me to even get a job, much less one in my profession (industrial engineering). I did a lot of unlearned and shitty jobs (and some voluntary work I enjoyed during studying and when I was not able to, just to keep afloat financially and mentally, but that was jeopardised by mental illness at some point, so motivation was completely gone after that.

Definitely, whenever I have met someone in real life who seems to be in the same situation it then turns out that they do actually have friends and family so its not quite the same as our situation, but its also kind of taboo to talk about loneliness and to tell people that you literally don't have anyone to rely on, which makes it even more isolating because you can't ever recognise anyone else who is in the same situation. I hope this makes some sort of sense lol.

Again, I can relate, however on a slightly better level so to speak. I have my dad who has to work a lot to keep me and my mum afloat (and also happens to have found a job he really loves for 40 years now) and also used to have some friends, but almost all of those are gone by now and the few remaining ones also don't have much time for me.
Whenever I meet people who are also struggling (mostly during my various stays at mental health institutions) the more I talk to them I realize they have so much more of a social network and possibilities than me and the situations aren't really comparable. When I try to explain how hard im struggling what I'm missing it's seen as self pity and no one really wants to listen to that. So in the end it feels the same you describe, there is just no one outside this forum who really is relatable or understands how hard it really is.
So even tho I also fall in that category of at least having some family, I perfectly understand what you mean and yes this makes a ton of sense to me.

My job is also low paying and unrelated to my degree, and my financial situation is not good, which is a huge stress, but, I am still grateful for it. I've never kept a job for more than a year in the past due to my MH. The system just isn't set up for people like us

Being grateful for that in your situation is already such a tremendous achievement, I couldn't. I also had and would have the same problem of keeping jobs because of my mental health situation. Everyone just expects you to perform no matter what and they can't fathom our struggles while living in their 'perfect' world where stuff keeps working out for them just like that.

I was considering to get another rescue cat after my Kasper died, but I can't trust my self to be able to take good care of one atm.

I thought about having an animal as well for some time now, but have the same issue...

 

[discernment]

I am here too, and that is so surprising condsidering your degree. It always seemed to me that everyone was searching for IT people.
Might be that at this point everyone is thinking something along those lines: "If no one wanted him yet, why should I?"... I don't know. Sad world, when no one gives you a chance. I wish you all the luck in the world that it works out since you seem to be willing to put in the work to apply again and again even though it seems not to work out. Most people would've just given up at this point.


There probably is more of us than we realize and these kind of conversations are soothing to an extend, but in the end they don't change the shittiness of the situation sadly. It does help to feel a little less alone tho, I agree.


Same, didn't work out for me either, at the point where I finally finished studying which I only barely got done with a lot of help from my dad I was already in such a bad place that the daily struggle made it impossible for me to even get a job, much less one in my profession (industrial engineering). I did a lot of unlearned and shitty jobs (and some voluntary work I enjoyed during studying and when I was not able to, just to keep afloat financially and mentally, but that was jeopardised by mental illness at some point, so motivation was completely gone after that.


Again, I can relate, however on a slightly better level so to speak. I have my dad who has to work a lot to keep me and my mum afloat (and also happens to have found a job he really loves for 40 years now) and also used to have some friends, but almost all of those are gone by now and the few remaining ones also don't have much time for me.
Whenever I meet people who are also struggling (mostly during my various stays at mental health institutions) the more I talk to them I realize they have so much more of a social network and possibilities than me and the situations aren't really comparable. When I try to explain how hard im struggling what I'm missing it's seen as self pity and no one really wants to listen to that. So in the end it feels the same you describe, there is just no one outside this forum who really is relatable or understands how hard it really is.
So even tho I also fall in that category of at least having some family, I perfectly understand what you mean and yes this makes a ton of sense to me.


Being grateful for that in your situation is already such a tremendous achievement, I couldn't. I also had and would have the same problem of keeping jobs because of my mental health situation. Everyone just expects you to perform no matter what and they can't fathom our struggles while living in their 'perfect' world where stuff keeps working out for them just like that.


I thought about having an animal as well for some time now, but have the same issue...

I totally understand that, I know that you can have people around while still having a really limited support network. I think there are also examples of people (e.g. celebrities) who technically have an abundance of family and friends and yet they still feel incredibly lonely to the point where they choose to end their life, so I guess it also depends on the quality of your connections and how honest you feel you can be with them. I don't bother attempting to explain my situation to anyone in real life these days because I don't think theres any true understanding or empathy there and I don't want people to just feel sorry for me

For me it's actually summer that's the worst - seeing people going on holidays, trips, enjoying the good weather while I'm stuck by myself.

Theres definitely a lot of times during summer where the weather is beautiful and I want to go out and do something with someone else but its just not an option. I think alongside Christmas being difficult, its the seasonal change in the weather which I really struggle with in autumn/winter time, especially the fact that its darker outside early in the morning and it gets darker earlier in the evenings. I'm not sure why it makes me feel worse but it definitely does seem to affect my mood

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

I totally understand that, I know that you can have people around while still having a really limited support network. I think there are also examples of people (e.g. celebrities) who technically have an abundance of family and friends and yet they still feel incredibly lonely to the point where they choose to end their life, so I guess it also depends on the quality of your connections and how honest you feel you can be with them.

Yeah quality has always been a problem even way before I was feeling as bad as I am now.
I can be honest, but that doesn't really change much. My dad is not a mental health professional, but an engineer, so he is hopelessly in over his head. He is supportive in every day tasks and I'm, incredibly thankful for that, but it's just not enough and also somewhat enables me to be miserable... I don't know, it's difficult to say if that is more helpful in the short term or damaging in the long term as I continue to function less and less by myself as a result. Really a stupid cycle and question with no good answer it seems.

I don't bother attempting to explain my situation to anyone in real life these days because I don't think theres any true understanding or empathy there and I don't want people to just feel sorry for me

I always tell that to myself as well when I'm alone. Then as soon as someone shows me even a little bit of affection my ADHD sets in all the stuff comes pouring out which also torpedoes the building of any kind of healthy interpersonal relationships. In those moments I want to be seen, heard and accepted (I think), but not only felt sorry for. But it's also just a lack of self control. Sometimes it feels good if people do feel sorry for you, but then again if that's all they do it doesn't. Another ambivalent subject.
It's probably better to do it your way at least when it comes to outcomes with other people. And outcomes always felt what was hurting me the most. Not the mental health state per se, but the outcomes it continues to produce (being lonely and having no good interpersonal relationship that last long term).

Theres definitely a lot of times during summer where the weather is beautiful and I want to go out and do something with someone else but its just not an option. I think alongside Christmas being difficult, its the seasonal change in the weather which I really struggle with in autumn/winter time, especially the fact that its darker outside early in the morning and it gets darker earlier in the evenings. I'm not sure why it makes me feel worse but it definitely does seem to affect my mood

I can relate to both, both is hard for me, maybe summer is a bit easier because the darkness aspect is less depressing than the "watch other people have fun aspect". But I hate them both.

 

[discernment]

Yeah quality has always been a problem even way before I was feeling as bad as I am now.
I can be honest, but that doesn't really change much. My dad is not a mental health professional, but an engineer, so he is hopelessly in over his head. He is supportive in every day tasks and I'm, incredibly thankful for that, but it's just not enough and also somewhat enables me to be miserable... I don't know, it's difficult to say if that is more helpful in the short term or damaging in the long term as I continue to function less and less by myself as a result. Really a stupid cycle and question with no good answer it seems.

Its hard because a lot of the time other people are trying their best but like you said, they're in over their head and they're not equipped to offer the right kind of support.

I always tell that to myself as well when I'm alone. Then as soon as someone shows me even a little bit of affection my ADHD sets in all the stuff comes pouring out which also torpedoes the building of any kind of healthy interpersonal relationships. In those moments I want to be seen, heard and accepted (I think), but not only felt sorry for. But it's also just a lack of self control. Sometimes it feels good if people do feel sorry for you, but then again if that's all they do it doesn't. Another ambivalent subject.
It's probably better to do it your way at least when it comes to outcomes with other people. And outcomes always felt what was hurting me the most. Not the mental health state per se, but the outcomes it continues to produce (being lonely and having no good interpersonal relationship that last long term).

I mean thats definitely how I try to be but its easier said than done I guess, like despite everything, I really do crave closeness and connection with people, but it usually feels safer to not even try I have a lot of issues with trusting people, even just trusting that they would like me and want to get to know me in the first place, so its like why even bother when I hate myself, how can I expect others to feel any different

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Its hard because a lot of the time other people are trying their best but like you said, they're in over their head and they're not equipped to offer the right kind of support.

Yes, sadly..

I mean thats definitely how I try to be but its easier said than done I guess, like despite everything, I really do crave closeness and connection with people, but it usually feels safer to not even try I have a lot of issues with trusting people, even just trusting that they would like me and want to get to know me in the first place, so its like why even bother when I hate myself, how can I expect others to feel any different

Yes, agree. At times I even come to a point where I don't hate myself and people are beginning to like me, but it never lasts, that's the problem. Trust issues also are a problem, my trust has been abused so many times that it became really hard to trust people I don't know yet and build trust towards them. I only trust a select few people really that I've known for years and my parents. With everyone else I'm (probably overly) sceptical...

 

[Humppasonni]

Trust can be a real problem. It is so much easier to just decide never to trust another person than to give your best friend a benefit of a doubt.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Trust can be a real problem. It is so much easier to just decide never to trust another person than to give your best friend a benefit of a doubt.

But also a way to proverbial hell in my experience.

I've come to the conclusion that being in a mental health institution that allow for basic personal freedom at least – and thus not being totally and truly alone – is almost always still preferable than rot by yourself. Things might still be stit and feel shit there, but at least way less shit...

 

[Humppasonni]

I guess being in a mental institution depends on where you are from. in this part of the world mental institutions are humane and if you would end up in one, I'd say it is good for you.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

I guess being in a mental institution depends on where you are from. in this part of the world mental institutions are humane and if you would end up in one, I'd say it is good for you.

Yeah that's a disclaimer for sure. Here in Germany they are okay, too... not great in many respects but okay and definitely humane overall.
I don't know about other countries specifically, but I assume most of Europe is roughly the same. Some 3rd world countries might be horrible or just don't have any, I imagine.