Venting being transgender is sadder than I thought

[loslassen]

I suppose you could say this is a part 2 to my last thread.

I opted to coming out to my family and friends, and while I received simple support from most, the people closest to me seem to have the most issues with this. I'm trying really hard to figure out who I am at all, and going through gender identity fluctuations is nothing more but a part of it. It's not like I've decided to fully transition, but the changes in my life so far feel good one after the other (like clothing, hair, pronouns) until I see family's faces, hear family's words.

I just end up feeling so fucking embarrassing, the little good I feel about the changes I make just vanishes when somebody I love slightly squints their eyes, or bring out how I might just be going though a phase. I'm not a child, I don't understand where the words come from as if I'm naive enough or as if it's even possible to do "irreversible changes" to myself like testosterone or a mastectomy as if that stuff doesn't take months or years to effectuate. I try to be informed in all perspectives, medical, social, transitioned and de-transitioned alike, but all of that stuff is for me to figure out as I experiment with this new part of myself, and to be frank, everything has been feeling great so far. I don't know what to do.

I know I hate my body, I hate how I look and I hate how I'm perceived, I can't stand wearing tights clothing now that I have short hair. I feel ugly when I try to be feminine in a girly way, even though I enjoy being feminine in a boyish way, if that makes sense. I suffer just existing in this body. I need to do something fast. and that's how I end up allowing the self hatred become strong enough to let any small inconvenience trigger me and self harm.

I just hate myself so much recently, I feel so embarrassing.

 

[soonnotkoei]

this is, unfortunately, kind of the norm for trans folk, which im deeply saddened at how many people suffer from it. some people just suck, and obviously its not your fault. that is all that you need to know, it's not your fault.

 

[NihilDoll]

A good friend of mine is facing similar issues.
Raised rather conservatively and thus, large parts of the support network they have is also rather conservative.
And one day, they just broke down. It hit like lightning that who they thought they might be might have been just what others wanted them to be.
They started an introspective self discovery journey with all the usual hurdles you can imagine.

As for the "It might just be a phase" thing.
Try to see it from their perspective. Queerness, in all of its forms, is incredibly hard to understand from the outside.
You, yourself said that you're experiencing fluctuations, that you're not (yet?) committing to transition.
To an outsiders, that may very well seem like a phase. You're experimenting, you're trying to find your self.
I fully sympathise with this dead horse of a phrase making you feel awful, but it may not necessarily be said in a mean spirited way.
They may see you fluctuating and from their (ignorant) perspective, telling you that "it may be a phase" (a.e. you may find stability eventually) may actually be meant comforting.

Try to focus on yourself. This is YOUR journey and no one else's. You're trying to find yourself.
And i think it's worth telling others that.
If your family tells you "It might be just a phase", talk about it. Heck, it very well might be, or it might not. But that's what this journey is about. To find that out.
Because the end goal is to discover who YOU are. And you should make that clear.
This isn't a fad, this isn't some trend, this is you trying to figure out who you are, seeking your own happiness. Nothing more, nothing less.
And there might be some left turns in it, but that's all part of it.
It wouldn't be a self discovery journey if everyone started at the finish line.

YOU matter. The you you're trying to discover matters.
Tell them to stop worrying about it "being a phase" and to start helping you find that out yourself.

I wish you all the best on your journey!
Your post contains more strength, bravery and levels of understanding than you might realize.
You got this! It's a bumpy road, so brace yourself. How you get there isn't important. Focus on the finish line, and that's finding YOU.

 

[loslassen]

A good friend of mine is facing similar issues.
Raised rather conservatively and thus, large parts of the support network they have is also rather conservative.
And one day, they just broke down. It hit like lightning that who they thought they might be might have been just what others wanted them to be.
They started an introspective self discovery journey with all the usual hurdles you can imagine.

As for the "It might just be a phase" thing.
Try to see it from their perspective. Queerness, in all of its forms, is incredibly hard to understand from the outside.
You, yourself said that you're experiencing fluctuations, that you're not (yet?) committing to transition.
To an outsiders, that may very well seem like a phase. You're experimenting, you're trying to find your self.
I fully sympathise with this dead horse of a phrase making you feel awful, but it may not necessarily be said in a mean spirited way.
They may see you fluctuating and from their (ignorant) perspective, telling you that "it may be a phase" (a.e. you may find stability eventually) may actually be meant comforting.

Try to focus on yourself. This is YOUR journey and no one else's. You're trying to find yourself.
And i think it's worth telling others that.
If your family tells you "It might be just a phase", talk about it. Heck, it very well might be, or it might not. But that's what this journey is about. To find that out.
Because the end goal is to discover who YOU are. And you should make that clear.
This isn't a fad, this isn't some trend, this is you trying to figure out who you are, seeking your own happiness. Nothing more, nothing less.
And there might be some left turns in it, but that's all part of it.
It wouldn't be a self discovery journey if everyone started at the finish line.

YOU matter. The you you're trying to discover matters.
Tell them to stop worrying about it "being a phase" and to start helping you find that out yourself.

I wish you all the best on your journey!
Your post contains more strength, bravery and levels of understanding than you might realize.
You got this! It's a bumpy road, so brace yourself. How you get there isn't important. Focus on the finish line, and that's finding YOU.

wow I really needed to hear this. I consider myself to be someone that rationalizes the majority of things to try and find a balance between what is, what isn't and why it is or isn't. I completely agree with you on the different perspectives part, thus it being one of the reasonings I occupy to avoid putting unfair weight on people who very much are at least trying to understand me if not denying me. but the reassurance on the fact that I need to allow myself to live this is very encouraging, seriously thank you so much. I feel like more people deserve to hear those words broken down the same way you managed to do it, it's very concise, realistic and kind. again, thank you very much.

 

[NihilDoll]

wow I really needed to hear this. I consider myself to be someone that rationalizes the majority of things to try and find a balance between what is, what isn't and why it is or isn't. I completely agree with you on the different perspectives part, thus it being one of the reasonings I occupy to avoid putting unfair weight on people who very much are at least trying to understand me if not denying me. but the reassurance on the fact that I need to allow myself to live this is very encouraging, seriously thank you so much. I feel like more people deserve to hear those words broken down the same way you managed to do it, it's very concise, realistic and kind. again, thank you very much.

You're so very welcome <3

It's simply stuff i, myself, encountered either first hand or second hand via queer friends.
One of the biggest hurdles is the whole "label game". While we've seen a proper "identity revolution" over the last years, redefining what self identification means, dismantling old, rigid thought systems, it didn't necessarily make things easier for those on the outside looking in.

"Gender is a spectrum" for instance will always, inevitably, sound almost incomprehensible for those on the outside.
For those directly affected, coming up with a whole dictionary of new terms was great to better express how they felt, it made support from others extremely difficult.
Feelings are a complicated mess as is, having to deal with what feels like learning a new language on top of that doesn't help.

That's why i always say: Focus on what you're *actually* trying to achieve here. And that's not looking for labels, but finding out who YOU truly are.
And that's something inherently more relatable.
Parents are often the biggest point of friction for many, especially when they are the protective type. Uncertainty, dysphoria or even just fluctuations like you're experiencing them can easily be perceived as distressing by them. They can't feel it, they don't necessarily understand younger generations new ways of thinking, but if they aren't outright dicks about it, most just want to help their kids feel better, in the only ways they know how, which is stability.

So approaching these people, be it parents, family, friends etc. with something they can relate to more easily usually ends up being a win/win for everyone.
Anecdotal, but one friend had a long talk with their parents about very similar issues. They were mildly conservative and only knew about queer issues from what they've caught in media. So they made things clear.
Much like they certainly had their "rebellious phases" as kids and teens, this is theirs now. The world has changed, understanding of certain things have changed. And this is what this rebellious phase can look now.
What ultimately got through to them, and which i will never not find charming, is pointing out that back in the 80's and 90's, some of their parents favorite artists have been aggressively queer too! Elton John, David Bowie, Freddie Mercury etc.
They all experimented with themselves, on and off stage. And they didn't think less of them either. And they need that same energy now: Support to figure things out.
Not to follow some "newfangled labels" but to find themselves in the chaos.

And just like that, their kid that seemed distressed by "all that new age social media bullshit" became the experimental rockstar :D

So again, you got this!
Not everyone will understand it. Heck, not even you might fully understand it. Welcome to the mess that is the human mind :D
But what's important to everyone involved is that YOU stay healthy, mentally and physically. And that's best achieved with support and not assumptions and skepticism.
They don't need to become Yes-men, but if they want you to be confident, they need to trust you that you can be confident in yourself.

Don't fret the occasional dumb comments. They come from ignorance, and not always from a bad place either. It's just super hard to understand.
But you got this. At the end, it will be YOU who emerges from this. No matter what that means, no matter how you got there.

 

[angelita]

Honestly i think the worst part isn't even what other people think but what YOU feel like. as an example if someone tells you, you are ugly you can kind of brush it off, but when you KNOW you are ugly things start to change and feel increasingly bad.

 

[loslassen]

You're so very welcome <3

It's simply stuff i, myself, encountered either first hand or second hand via queer friends.
One of the biggest hurdles is the whole "label game". While we've seen a proper "identity revolution" over the last years, redefining what self identification means, dismantling old, rigid thought systems, it didn't necessarily make things easier for those on the outside looking in.

"Gender is a spectrum" for instance will always, inevitably, sound almost incomprehensible for those on the outside.
For those directly affected, coming up with a whole dictionary of new terms was great to better express how they felt, it made support from others extremely difficult.
Feelings are a complicated mess as is, having to deal with what feels like learning a new language on top of that doesn't help.

That's why i always say: Focus on what you're *actually* trying to achieve here. And that's not looking for labels, but finding out who YOU truly are.
And that's something inherently more relatable.
Parents are often the biggest point of friction for many, especially when they are the protective type. Uncertainty, dysphoria or even just fluctuations like you're experiencing them can easily be perceived as distressing by them. They can't feel it, they don't necessarily understand younger generations new ways of thinking, but if they aren't outright dicks about it, most just want to help their kids feel better, in the only ways they know how, which is stability.

So approaching these people, be it parents, family, friends etc. with something they can relate to more easily usually ends up being a win/win for everyone.
Anecdotal, but one friend had a long talk with their parents about very similar issues. They were mildly conservative and only knew about queer issues from what they've caught in media. So they made things clear.
Much like they certainly had their "rebellious phases" as kids and teens, this is theirs now. The world has changed, understanding of certain things have changed. And this is what this rebellious phase can look now.
What ultimately got through to them, and which i will never not find charming, is pointing out that back in the 80's and 90's, some of their parents favorite artists have been aggressively queer too! Elton John, David Bowie, Freddie Mercury etc.
They all experimented with themselves, on and off stage. And they didn't think less of them either. And they need that same energy now: Support to figure things out.
Not to follow some "newfangled labels" but to find themselves in the chaos.

And just like that, their kid that seemed distressed by "all that new age social media bullshit" became the experimental rockstar :D

So again, you got this!
Not everyone will understand it. Heck, not even you might fully understand it. Welcome to the mess that is the human mind :D
But what's important to everyone involved is that YOU stay healthy, mentally and physically. And that's best achieved with support and not assumptions and skepticism.
They don't need to become Yes-men, but if they want you to be confident, they need to trust you that you can be confident in yourself.

Don't fret the occasional dumb comments. They come from ignorance, and not always from a bad place either. It's just super hard to understand.
But you got this. At the end, it will be YOU who emerges from this. No matter what that means, no matter how you got there.

you're a very wise person, I hope one day i can express myself the way you do