Venting Being in between killing myself and not killing myself is the fucking worst

[LemonGambit]

It's such a pain not having the motivation to do anything productive because "I'll kill myself anyways" and not actually being able to kill myself.
I know I should just end my life already but it's just so damn hard to actually do it.
I've done so many stupid things to try and push myself towards suicide.
Things like cutting, barely sleeping, not eating, isolating myself as best as I could and bleeding around 200ml a day so I feel permanently dizzy and light headed.
And after all of that, I still don't have the enough will to die.

There is also no point in trying to go the other way and making life worth living again.
I've already received so much help from others and in the end I still turned out as an absolute failure.
I can't just expect people to help me anymore, they've given their help but I did nothing with it.
I'm by no means unlucky and I could have absolutely made something of myself with the tremendous amount of opportunities I've gotten.

And even if I am still somewhat worthy of help, I don't want any of it anymore.
I have seen way too many doctors and therapists since I was five and I really can't take it anymore.

I did have a friend I talked to occasionally but after I told them that I tried to kill myself and still want to die they just kept telling me to not do it and eventually got pretty pissed at me.
We haven't talked since and I feel pretty shit about it.
I really shouldn't have involved them in my problems but I really wanted to talk to someone and did it anyways.
They must think I'm just attention whoring or something which wouldn't be too far fetched considering I sometimes also think the same way

Anyways, that's enough about me, is there anyone else feeling similarly?

 

[Interloper]

Hello, me. I've been self sabotaging since I was like 13-14, you're definitely not alone.

 

[Raskolnikov's Axe]

I feel the same. I'm trapped into a circle. I just cannot bring myself to end it (survival instinct and false hope) yet I have no will to live. For me, the worst feeling is formulating all these plans and whatnot despite knowing I have no will inside to put in the work.

I've already received so much help from others and in the end I still turned out as an absolute failure.

Same. I have some good friends I have reached out to and they have offered their support the best they could, yet I still remain where I was. I am ashamed of them and I avoid talking about my problems with them anymore. To me, it feels like I owe them improvement because of the time they invested in helping me, yet I feel the same. All in all, I hope my luck will improve with my entrance to this forum and that I will find either help or a method I can go trough with.

 

[odradek]

I do relate to this. I'm leading a fairly self destructive life now. I don't care for my health and people notice, but I don't care for much of anything anymore. And still I do not pull the trigger and just kill myself. This limbo is a nightmare and draining and tragically comical at times and so, so draining. I hate it.

 

[LemonGambit]

I feel the same. I'm trapped into a circle. I just cannot bring myself to end it (survival instinct and false hope) yet I have no will to live. For me, the worst feeling is formulating all these plans and whatnot despite knowing I have no will inside to put in the work.



Same. I have some good friends I have reached out to and they have offered their support the best they could, yet I still remain where I was. I am ashamed of them and I avoid talking about my problems with them anymore. To me, it feels like I owe them improvement because of the time they invested in helping me, yet I feel the same. All in all, I hope my luck will improve with my entrance to this forum and that I will find either help or a method I can go trough with.

Wow that's pretty much exactly how I feel.
I really hope that you find whatever it is you need on this forum <3

 

[Raskolnikov's Axe]

Wow that's pretty much exactly how I feel.
I really hope that you find whatever it is you need on this forum <3

Thank you for your kind words. <3

 

[theboy]

I understand you. It is an exasperating indecision. I hope you feel better. If you like to send me a message, I'll be here

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide really is so difficult. That's really the only reason why I'm still here. I think that it would be much easier for me if I had a peaceful method like N, but I have limited access to methods personally. I understand the feeling of everything being so awful yet being unable to go through with ctb. I've never wanted to exist at all and I hate living but I guess that I will have to find a way when I get so desperate. If it was easier to leave I would be already gone.

 

[LemonGambit]

I understand you. It is an exasperating indecision. I hope you feel better. If you like to send me a message, I'll be here

Thanks for being there for me, I really appreciate it. <3

 

[LemonGambit]

Suicide really is so difficult. That's really the only reason why I'm still here. I think that it would be much easier for me if I had a peaceful method like N, but I have limited access to methods personally. I understand the feeling of everything being so awful yet being unable to go through with ctb. I've never wanted to exist at all and I hate living but I guess that I will have to find a way when I get so desperate. If it was easier to leave I would be already gone.

It really is yea. :/
I'm really sorry that you have to live like this.
I just wish you much luck with whatever it is that will make you feel any better <3