Discussion Being "done" with life

[Polyxo]

I think most people look to death/CTB'ing as peace and an end to suffering. There are feelings of being excited to CTB, feelings of desperation and being unable to wait for that moment.

Where I am mentally, I feel the same way. I know that there's nothing more for me in this life, but the thing is... I feel sorry for it. I feel sorry that I couldn't meet everyone's expectations, that I can't be more than what I am now. I feel like, even when I finally CTB, there will be feelings of regret. Not of the act of CTB itself, but because I know this will be the exact opposite of what others wanted of me. I wish I could've been as bright and motivated as my peers. I wish I could've been who my parents wanted me to be. And most of all, I wish I simply wasn't born.

I think it's just, when I finally follow through with my plans, I'm afraid that in the act of letting go, CTB, I won't be able to truly let go of what has always been causing me pain in the first place. Does anyone feel the same?

 

[Slark]

I feel exactly the same way. It's like I've failed at everything. I just couldn't live up to other people's expectations, or even my own. I know that what happened to me wasn't all my fault, because I grew up in a very difficult environment. Still, I feel like I failed.

 

[Polyxo]

I feel exactly the same way. It's like I've failed at everything. I just couldn't live up to other people's expectations, or even my own. I know that what happened to me wasn't all my fault, because I grew up in a very difficult environment. Still, I feel like I failed.

Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry you are feeling the same way. The feeling of failure unbearable.

Our environments are major factors in determining how our lives turn out. We can't help how, when, where, to whom, we are born. It's one of the most cruel aspects of our world.

But that's the cruelty of the world, not yours. You didn't ask to be born. You didn't ask for those expectations. I sincerely hope that one day you'll be able to let go of your pain

 

[Dejected 55]

I'm getting too old to keep trying to start over every time everything goes to shit. It never gets better, only worse. I think/hope this time I'm finally done.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've certainly gone through stages of feeling disappointed in myself. Still, coupled with a strong sense of antinatilism, that has morphed into resentment. As in- it truly wasn't fair of you to bring me here and expect me to thrive in the first place. It isn't fair to put that on anyone.

I've done my best with what I had. I've done my best to cope with the shit I went through- which was also largely down to parents.

Maybe they do feel disappointed in certain aspects. Maybe that used to get to me. Now, I just tend to feel angry about it though. As in- don't go feeling disappointed/ annoyed with this mess that you largely set the conditions for. Imagine what it's been like to live this? I don't exactly express all that. Worse really, it just all lies within me, festering away. That's something else I just want to be relieved from.

To be honest, in my case, my coping mechanisms were relatively healthy and productive. I put everything I had into a creative career. It's not the best at all. It has very big problems in fact, but it's enough to make my parents say they're proud sometimes. That's sweet but, weirdly that doesn't mean what it should either. The path I've chosen, the small successes I have had have all been due to developing a maladaptive coping mechanism in childhood. So really, it's praise for turning out maladapted, which they created the conditions for. Is that really such a great achievement?

I suppose I don't feel so much guilt about not doing or being better because I think it was an unfair and rigged 'game' to begin with. Which you can't honestly bring a being you purport to love into. (To my mind anyway.)

 

[Polyxo]

I've certainly gone through stages of feeling disappointed in myself. Still, coupled with a strong sense of antinatilism, that has morphed into resentment. As in- it truly wasn't fair of you to bring me here and expect me to thrive in the first place. It isn't fair to put that on anyone.

I've done my best with what I had. I've done my best to cope with the shit I went through- which was also largely down to parents.

Maybe they do feel disappointed in certain aspects. Maybe that used to get to me. Now, I just tend to feel angry about it though. As in- don't go feeling disappointed/ annoyed with this mess that you largely set the conditions for. Imagine what it's been like to live this? I don't exactly express all that. Worse really, it just all lies within me, festering away. That's something else I just want to be relieved from.

To be honest, in my case, my coping mechanisms were relatively healthy and productive. I put everything I had into a creative career. It's not the best at all. It has very big problems in fact, but it's enough to make my parents say they're proud sometimes. That's sweet but, weirdly that doesn't mean what it should either. The path I've chosen, the small successes I have had have all been due to developing a maladaptive coping mechanism in childhood. So really, it's praise for turning out maladapted, which they created the conditions for. Is that really such a great achievement?

I suppose I don't feel so much guilt about not doing or being better because I think it was an unfair and rigged 'game' to begin with. Which you can't honestly bring a being you purport to love into. (To my mind anyway.)

Thank you for your reply. The feeling of failure or not being enough is hell to line through.

I can understand how your feelings have culminated into resentment. We were forced to be players in a game that we didn't choose, didn't make the rules for. It's a surreal feeling to somehow still "make it work" and be praised for it—for "achieving" something when it's only the result of immense pain and suffering. It hardly feels like an achievement at that point.

Personally, anger doesn't come easily for me. I don't feel resentment towards anyone else, especially not my parents. I think it comes from a place where I believe everyone else is inherently smarter and better than me, but in the end, my parents do love me and take care of me. I depend on them. Seeing them get older while I'm so stagnant hurts me so deeply and I know it's my fault for being this way. I just think me catching the bus is just better for everyone.

My fear is that, when the time does come, I'll still think about these things, and that even in my final moments I'll still be clinging to the pain that I'm so de so desperate to escape, thinking about it even though I should be at peace as I'm dying. But I'm starting to believe that we can only be truly unburdened at the very moment we stop breathing.

 

[kotonearisato]

I think most people look to death/CTB'ing as peace and an end to suffering. There are feelings of being excited to CTB, feelings of desperation and being unable to wait for that moment.

Where I am mentally, I feel the same way. I know that there's nothing more for me in this life, but the thing is... I feel sorry for it. I feel sorry that I couldn't meet everyone's expectations, that I can't be more than what I am now. I feel like, even when I finally CTB, there will be feelings of regret. Not of the act of CTB itself, but because I know this will be the exact opposite of what others wanted of me. I wish I could've been as bright and motivated as my peers. I wish I could've been who my parents wanted me to be. And most of all, I wish I simply wasn't born.

I think it's just, when I finally follow through with my plans, I'm afraid that in the act of letting go, CTB, I won't be able to truly let go of what has always been causing me pain in the first place. Does anyone feel the same?

Yeah, I know what you mean and feel similarly. The knowledge that this isn't what people wanted for me, that they wanted to see me get better and be successful, culminated still in CTB is very heavy sometimes. Even when I'm finally closing my eyes for the last time I know I'll still think about it, still feel bad that I couldn't be the person people thought me to be.

It's exhausting, honestly, but it's hard for me to be angry at them. Most people in my life were not good to me, but those who have been deserved more than I have been able to give them.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you for your reply. The feeling of failure or not being enough is hell to line through.

I can understand how your feelings have culminated into resentment. We were forced to be players in a game that we didn't choose, didn't make the rules for. It's a surreal feeling to somehow still "make it work" and be praised for it—for "achieving" something when it's only the result of immense pain and suffering. It hardly feels like an achievement at that point.

Personally, anger doesn't come easily for me. I don't feel resentment towards anyone else, especially not my parents. I think it comes from a place where I believe everyone else is inherently smarter and better than me, but in the end, my parents do love me and take care of me. I depend on them. Seeing them get older while I'm so stagnant hurts me so deeply and I know it's my fault for being this way. I just think me catching the bus is just better for everyone.

My fear is that, when the time does come, I'll still think about these things, and that even in my final moments I'll still be clinging to the pain that I'm so de so desperate to escape, thinking about it even though I should be at peace as I'm dying. But I'm starting to believe that we can only be truly unburdened at the very moment we stop breathing.

You sound a very kind and appreciative person. I'm sure your parents love you for that.

Honestly, I don't enjoy feeling so resentful. It's a confusing feeling because, I also love my Dad very much. He's the reason I'm still trying to hold on.

I think you may be right though. I think death is so appealing because it represents an end to all these feelings.

 

[AreWeWinning]

I think most people look to death/CTB'ing as peace and an end to suffering. There are feelings of being excited to CTB, feelings of desperation and being unable to wait for that moment.

Where I am mentally, I feel the same way. I know that there's nothing more for me in this life, but the thing is... I feel sorry for it. I feel sorry that I couldn't meet everyone's expectations, that I can't be more than what I am now. I feel like, even when I finally CTB, there will be feelings of regret. Not of the act of CTB itself, but because I know this will be the exact opposite of what others wanted of me. I wish I could've been as bright and motivated as my peers. I wish I could've been who my parents wanted me to be. And most of all, I wish I simply wasn't born.

I think it's just, when I finally follow through with my plans, I'm afraid that in the act of letting go, CTB, I won't be able to truly let go of what has always been causing me pain in the first place. Does anyone feel the same?

I see you really look at it from the perspective of others. I do that too sometimes, but I just struggle with letting go in general. Feelings of what it could have been if I had been healthier, stronger, or I had more social skills, etc. It's not about the exact skills or personal traits, but that feeling of letting go and accepting that it's truly over. And a deep yearning for a life that I wish I had — and know I never will. I usually just try to ignore or suppress these feelings, and I don't think it's possible to be at peace in the end. It's hard to accept that we've failed at life.

 

[Polyxo]

You sound a very kind and appreciative person. I'm sure your parents love you for that.

Honestly, I don't enjoy feeling so resentful. It's a confusing feeling because, I also love my Dad very much. He's the reason I'm still trying to hold on.

I think you may be right though. I think death is so appealing because it represents an end to all these feelings.

Being resentful isn't fun. There was a time when I did feel anger, albeit mostly at myself, but that resentfulness wasn't just the frustration directed at the one thing. It made me hate everything. It affects mood, habits, how I treat people.

It's really tiring. And like you said, looking to death as an end to this is appealing. At least to me

I see you really look at it from the perspective of others. I do that too sometimes, but I just struggle with letting go in general. Feelings of what it could have been if I had been healthier, stronger, or I had more social skills, etc. It's not about the exact skills or personal traits, but that feeling of letting go and accepting that it's truly over. And a deep yearning for a life that I wish I had — and know I never will. I usually just try to ignore or suppress these feelings, and I don't think it's possible to be at peace in the end. It's hard to accept that we've failed at life.

Thank you for your reply. You really put into words my feelings more succinctly than I could.

Yearning to be better, knowing I can't. Maybe that's a normal thing to feel for anyone at any time, but personally, I really feel... Like this is it. There's no recovery from it. Other people will move on because they really are healthier, stronger, and can connect with people easier. But me, I will always return to these thoughts and look at how my failures have impacted those around me.

I hope you find peace