Hey, I am Lu***, 19 male, and I feel like I am not a person at all. I am always thinking about my name and memories of the past from outside. Sometimes I think that I am innocent and able to forgive, not blame myself or anyone, but sometimes I am full of hate, anger and jealousy. I am obsessed with a big conspiracy against me. When I think of suicide its very bland so it means nothing to me. Really, I dont understand how you people can make a fantasy out of it, a culture. Life is the same for me. I dont know, life is too much, but going out of your way to end it also.
My comparison: eating is so much effort and feels completely useless, wasted, boring, but what did I do the last 19 years, I ate! I lived. So starving and death are the other side of the same coin. Its just so bland. This is what disgusts me when I read things here.
Right now, I ran away from my life at home and started working on a farm in nature, in the mountains, maybe because I expected a change. Nothing changed. How can you escape the past? I think we do small suicides and birthes every day with our little lives, everything over and over again... Its the SAME with offfing yourself, there is no "anti" to ALL OF THIS.
Sometimes I think that in the past I felt like a person and I had a name and was in a higher mental state, and it fills me with envy. The past doesnt exist and this is what is so destroying.
I hope that someone has advice for me, I am open. Please disagree with me. Tell me where I am wrong.
Why did I join this forum?
I dont know. There is this 200metre tall bridge near me kind of and there is a mystic attraction I feel from it.
I wouldnt want to make a big plan with a lot of chemixals and messages. "Catching the bus", really I think putting all of this life and planning into going is a waste. What does that mean? "Leaving" something behind? An impulse, like on a bad day after working, your body hurts, no energy, the same way you would go to sleep from being awake ffom too long you would go on that bridge and take that long nap. I think if I decide to go to that bridge I will do it casually, no big announcement or routine, lets see.
Maybe write me something if you want to talk...
Words words words. Sometimes I imagine a world without words and humans. What would that be like?
"Understanding" and "thinking"... It fills me with disgust. The more I think the less I understand, but how to stop tthinking?
Maybe you can notice from reading my text that my mind is incoherent. I dont know.
If this doesnt make sense I dont know, I am tired.
But I also look at all of this from outside, this is what I mean. Its not original, its corny. Every word I have written when I read it back, I could have written the exact opposite and it wouldnt mean more to me. Try it out, reverse the meaning of all sentences I have written... Its the same. Its not the same...
My comparison: eating is so much effort and feels completely useless, wasted, boring, but what did I do the last 19 years, I ate! I lived. So starving and death are the other side of the same coin. Its just so bland. This is what disgusts me when I read things here.
Right now, I ran away from my life at home and started working on a farm in nature, in the mountains, maybe because I expected a change. Nothing changed. How can you escape the past? I think we do small suicides and birthes every day with our little lives, everything over and over again... Its the SAME with offfing yourself, there is no "anti" to ALL OF THIS.
Sometimes I think that in the past I felt like a person and I had a name and was in a higher mental state, and it fills me with envy. The past doesnt exist and this is what is so destroying.
I hope that someone has advice for me, I am open. Please disagree with me. Tell me where I am wrong.
Why did I join this forum?
I dont know. There is this 200metre tall bridge near me kind of and there is a mystic attraction I feel from it.
I wouldnt want to make a big plan with a lot of chemixals and messages. "Catching the bus", really I think putting all of this life and planning into going is a waste. What does that mean? "Leaving" something behind? An impulse, like on a bad day after working, your body hurts, no energy, the same way you would go to sleep from being awake ffom too long you would go on that bridge and take that long nap. I think if I decide to go to that bridge I will do it casually, no big announcement or routine, lets see.
Maybe write me something if you want to talk...
Words words words. Sometimes I imagine a world without words and humans. What would that be like?
"Understanding" and "thinking"... It fills me with disgust. The more I think the less I understand, but how to stop tthinking?
Maybe you can notice from reading my text that my mind is incoherent. I dont know.
If this doesnt make sense I dont know, I am tired.
But I also look at all of this from outside, this is what I mean. Its not original, its corny. Every word I have written when I read it back, I could have written the exact opposite and it wouldnt mean more to me. Try it out, reverse the meaning of all sentences I have written... Its the same. Its not the same...
