Being awake and Why, Are you

[plough22]

I hate being like this. I hate being negative, I hate my life, I hate that I don't have the balls to end it. I miss my old life, someone went out of their way to destroy me, they literally tore me down with untruths. I am not the same guy I was in Jan 2017 and I miss me and my old life, these years have been hard, extreme SH and some try's. Awake then and now at night and the overthinking, sometimes it's a blessing, the middle of the night where it neither the day before or the one after.
I am in bed now with usual heavy head, thoughts running through, feeling sorry and bad about myself and predicament - stupid and naive and too trusting was my weaknesses. I see the best in people.
I don't like my overthinking and striving to do better cause you can't enjoy life that way, enjoy the moment, enjoy the present.
I'm here in the bed thinking of ending it, overthinking it, if I was to fail? Failure is not an option.

I'm away on a break with friends now, trying to look happy, trying to not let my facade that I'm hurting, that they don't see my mental health issues but they do I think. That they see me normal or as much when I'm not.
I hope and wish you are not awake like me. I hope that there is peace in your mind.
I know for me, I want the final push to find my peace cause this zombie existence. I cannot find it yet but I know if that person comes back that I don't have the strength to fight any more, I cannot understand my current life, I was a good person, helping and kind but life kicked me down and out. I don't have that one more round.
You probably read this that I feel sorry bud and shut up, you'd be right.
I feel shit that I'm not as brave as others that was here. I know too that once I have the final push.
I want to sleep, I want peace. I want a life but can't see one
Thank you for reading, why are you awake.

 

[Jumping_realms]

I hate being like this. I hate being negative, I hate my life, I hate that I don't have the balls to end it. I miss my old life, someone went out of their way to destroy me, they literally tore me down with untruths. I am not the same guy I was in Jan 2017 and I miss me and my old life, these years have been hard, extreme SH and some try's. Awake then and now at night and the overthinking, sometimes it's a blessing, the middle of the night where it neither the day before or the one after.
I am in bed now with usual heavy head, thoughts running through, feeling sorry and bad about myself and predicament - stupid and naive and too trusting was my weaknesses. I see the best in people.
I don't like my overthinking and striving to do better cause you can't enjoy life that way, enjoy the moment, enjoy the present.
I'm here in the bed thinking of ending it, overthinking it, if I was to fail? Failure is not an option.

I'm away on a break with friends now, trying to look happy, trying to not let my facade that I'm hurting, that they don't see my mental health issues but they do I think. That they see me normal or as much when I'm not.
I hope and wish you are not awake like me. I hope that there is peace in your mind.
I know for me, I want the final push to find my peace cause this zombie existence. I cannot find it yet but I know if that person comes back that I don't have the strength to fight any more, I cannot understand my current life, I was a good person, helping and kind but life kicked me down and out. I don't have that one more round.
You probably read this that I feel sorry bud and shut up, you'd be right.
I feel shit that I'm not as brave as others that was here. I know too that once I have the final push.
I want to sleep, I want peace. I want a life but can't see one
Thank you for reading, why are you awake.

I'm sorry your last 4 years have been so rough. You sound like a gentle, caring person. Your true friends definitely should be able to see under that mask to some degree, at minimum. I wish they would offer to talk to you, but I've noticed some people are quite comfortable overlooking issues that apply to others(I'm not implying your friends do that), or find it too awkward of a conversation.

Whatever it is you decide for yourself, I wish you peace and love

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. It is understandable to miss times in the past that were better. Life really is so depressing. I just want to fall asleep and never wake again, and be free from it all. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.