Venting being aroace makes me suicidal

[fleurdelune]

title... there are plenty of other things that contribute to my feeling like an alien on the wrong planet, but not experiencing what seems like such a fundamental aspect of being a human (i.e., any interest whatsoever in sex and romance) is really lonely at times (all the time, actually). i just saw someone liken the asexual/aromantic experience to being the only person who isn't in on a species-wide inside joke, which is a darn good analogy, imho. and now i'm sad again.

it feels like i lack the one passionate human thing that some other depressed people seem to retain despite the anhedonia. i know depression often comes with a reduced libido, but even a tiny bit of sexual or romantic desire is still *something* that might keep someone going... and i have absolutely none of any of that and i don't think i ever really have, even now that i'm at the normally horny (?) age of 21. i just fucking hate it sometimes. it's just one more part of me that is defective.

it's also weird because i think i do desire some kind of deep human connection, but it's not what everybody else seems to experience. since i was in middle school, i've had these really, really intense fixations on women and men (always authority figures -- when i was younger it was teachers and therapists; now it's professors, superiors at work, etc.) that just about take over my life all while not being sexual or even romantic in nature. it's more like i just want to be their friend really bad... or maybe their child, to be honest. i think i have mommy and daddy issues. i want to be comforted and heard by people who i perceive as kind and caring and safe, as pathetic as it is for me to type out :**) and it's kind of silly because deep down i don't believe having people like that around will fix me. fuck!!

anyways, the point of this incoherent rant is for me to maybe commiserate with other aces on here (if you're out there). please do let me know if you, too, feel developmentally stunted due to your lack of sexual or romantic desire... although i'd also like to hear from people who've come to peace with being aro and/or ace because i'm curious as to how you got to that point. i don't knowwww. my fuckass sexual orientation (or lack thereof) has just been bothering me a lot lately. it's so isolating

thank you for taking time out of your day to read my word vomit :)

 

[cigaretteinthesnow]

i relate to this so so so so much
i wish society was more receptive of aroace people. i have a boyfriend whom i love so much but i get so fucking mad at myself for not feeling the normal sexual attraction towards him (or ANYONE at all) and id feel like a major asshole if i said i was lacking the romantic feelings too.
i cant explain it, i just know i love him and would do absolutely anything for him. i also see him as somewhat of an authority figure given our history and stuff.
i havent expressed this stuff to him and i dont think i ever will because nobody will understand how i feel, and theyll act like i am incapable of loving people

 

[Signal]

Yeah, in general it's a pretty difficult thing to deal with, and the common person doesn't make it any easier, it's already difficult for two people to understand each other, just imagine how difficult it is if one of those two disagrees on something that has been basically decided by the common masses as an integral part of being human. But that's the thing, just because most people have decided that something is normal or acceptable doesn't make it an objective truth. So no, you're not an alien just because you don't want what the 90% wants, your brain is not broken, and you're not defective, you're as much a human being as any of them will ever be, even if it doesn't feel like that sometimes. There's nothing fundamental about sex or romance, I mean, who even decides that? Biology? Society? The masses? Fuck all those things. All of that is worthless. Humans are not such simple creatures that you could throw them all into a single bag and call it a day. We are so complex that the "fundamental human experience" is completely different for every single one of us. And if something is so vague, subjective and ambiguous like that, then why should it even matter? Why should you give a shit about that? About not having a "fundamental aspect" of being human? The only constant and fundamental thing here is that we are all different, to the point that it's almost impossible for two different people to completely understand each other, that's how different and unique we humans are from each other. Or well, at least that's what I think, you don't have to take what I say as the truth. Maybe the IS a real "fundamental human experience" and we're all freaks of nature and society, but, come on, what has nature or society even done for you anyway. At the very least, if it comes to that, we can be freaks together, that would be so bad, would it?

I, for the most part, have come to terms with being aromantic. Somehow, after some suffering I have stoped caring about it at all. Because, at the end of the day, things like that are just tags, you know? I mean, im not even sure if I'm really aromantic to begin with, or if I was always like this, or if I will be
like this forever, because things like sexuality and all that other stuff is just really complex and messy and ugly. It's so complex in fact that, at least personally, I don't believe language can make it justice to begin with, the best we humans could come up with are tags like "bisexual" "asexual" "pansexual" "aromantic" etc, etc, etc, but at the end of the day that's all they are, just tags, and really inaccurate tags in my opinion. So, at least personally, I don't even give much importance to them to begin with, I mean, they have their usefulness but, you shouldn't let them dictate your life, or what you do, or how you feel about yourself. At least that's what I think.

I may consider myself an aromantic right now, because it's the more accurate thing I can describe my brain with, I have never had a partner or fallen in love with some, or even have a crush to begin with. Even if in my mind, the idea of being with someone doesn't sound that bad, when it comes to real life I just can't help it but think of that as a huge chore, and so, in all my 22 years of life I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, ever.

But, as I said, I don't know if I'll stay like this forever, maybe I'll change, maybe I won't, to be honest, it doesn't really matter to me, I'm fine either way. Because, you see, even if you don't have a partner, well, that's not all there is to life. I mean, you yourself said you want some deep human connection, even if it doesn't come in the way of a partner, well, it's fine. You can have that, there's also friends, other people, family, fraternal love, shit I don't know, literally anything else, the world is not just romance and sex, even if that's what some people tell you. And even if you don't have anything of that and you're truly completely alone, well, that's a whole other can of worms right? You being AroAce wouldn't have that much to do with that.

So, well, I don't even remember what was my point with this huge rant. Just, well, you're not wrong, okay? You're not defective or broken or anything like that for wanting what you want or for not wanting what you don't want. You're just, well, you're just you. That's all there is to it, really. There was never an species wide inside joke you were left out of, you just, I don't know, not find it funny? Or some other clever remark I can't think of right now, you were never outside of anything, you're still part of the group and you will always be, as much as I am still part of the group, or everyone else on this website. I don't know, something like that? Definitely sounded better inside my head but, yeah.