Venting Being an ugly woman sucks

[ironrain]

Men say that women have it better because they have more likes on dating apps. But those are all noise because men swipe right on literally everything.

Men say that women have 99% probability of success if they approach the man first. But never mention that the women should be pretty.

Generally, everything men say about women should be applied to beautiful women. Being an ugly woman is the same as being an ugly a man, except some creeps thinking you're easy and desperate.

I hate being ugly. This makes me so dysmorphic/dysphoric/whatever to the point I see no difference between myself and a man. I wish I was feminine and beautiful. I can't even take normal guys seriously because of how efeminated (???) I feel compared to them. But at the same time I realise that demanding being masculine from a man is sexist. So I'm the problem here, if I weren't a giraffe I'd gladly date a 175cm guy but I'm a giraffe... I'll never have that. I remember I had a dream about being on some party that was outdoor, someone's wedding or sth, and there was my husband. In the dream I was petite and he hugged me and his hands were big and strong... Crazy that many women get it by default and I'll never have that without being sexist. Life is so unfair.

 

[2106lvsk]

i relate to u a lot, i am short tho. and i dated a guy that was 175cm. he claimed he was an incel. i thought he'd be loyal but nah the minute he got attention from another girl, he was gone lol

 

[randomuser2348]

I hate being ugly. This makes me so dysmorphic/dysphoric/whatever to the point I see no difference between myself and a man. I wish I was feminine and beautiful.

we've set an unhealthy and utterly repulsive standard in our society that a woman's appearance and characteristics should be a checklist in the dating scene. no, i don't want an unhealthily skinny partner with sharp features, perfect skin, and sizeable breasts. i want someone who cares for and understands me as a person. drives me nuts that standards go beyond that.

I can't even take normal guys seriously because of how efeminated (???) I feel compared to them. But at the same time I realise that demanding being masculine from a man is sexist.

not really, that's just a preference

So I'm the problem here, if I weren't a giraffe I'd gladly date a 175cm guy but I'm a giraffe... I'll never have that. I remember I had a dream about being on some party that was outdoor, someone's wedding or sth, and there was my husband. In the dream I was petite and he hugged me and his hands were big and strong... Crazy that many women get it by default and I'll never have that without being sexist. Life is so unfair.

so your main concern is your height and how that may affect your relationship dynamics? that sounds like a reasonable concern, though depending on the nature of one's attraction, that will in all likelihood be something you throw to the side.

i saw your prior post yesterday that mentioned your height, and you're not nearly as tall as you think. here in australia the average height for a man is around 175cm

 

[Lazuli]

Maybe it's just me, but I consider being a tall woman a plus. Models and pageant contestants are mostly tall.
I'm only 163 cm and many petite friends of mine (155-158) often said they wished they could be as tall as me.

 

[tonicer]

As a tall'ish man myself 195cm i always wanted a lady that's as tall or even taller than me. People who don't like you just because you are tall are not people who deserve you in the first place. My older brother for example lives in an RV and most women he gets to know via some dumb dating app think it's a huge red flag but those women don't deserve him anyway if they only want a man who is rich and has a house. What do they want a house or a good guy? Same goes for you. A woman is a woman no matter if she's tall or not.

 

[ironrain]

Maybe it's just me, but I consider being a tall woman a plus. Models and pageant contestants are mostly tall.
I'm only 163 cm and many petite friends of mine (155-158) often said they wished they could be as tall as me.

When you have longer legs then yeah. Many tall women don't, me included. So, it's just useless centimetres. In my opinion, there's no benefit in being tall as an average woman.

 

[Lazuli]

When you have longer legs then yeah. Many tall women don't, me included. So, it's just useless centimetres. In my opinion, there's no benefit in being tall as an average woman.

"No benefit" is kinda final. I still think it's not that bad. Many women wear high heels despite discomfort just to gain those additional centimeters.

 

[ironrain]

"No benefit" is kinda final. I still think it's not that bad. Many women wear high heels despite discomfort just to gain those additional centimeters.

You're right. I fixated on height too much. I'm ugly, not only tall

i relate to u a lot, i am short tho. and i dated a guy that was 175cm. he claimed he was an incel. i thought he'd be loyal but nah the minute he got attention from another girl, he was gone lol

Most incels are hoes, they just can't act on that and blame women. I'm so sorry that that happened to you, I hope you find a good man

 

[Dejected 55]

I should stay out of these threads, but I can't help myself.

So... off the top... there are unfortunately many of us men and women who, either by looks or personality or both, are considered unattractive by most of society and we have great difficulty and near impossibility finding a partner. That's a sad fact, and I don't know if I can say being a man in this situation is worse than being a woman would be. I can only speak for how miserable I am, and I don't think it usually is meaningful to compare one person's reason for suffering to another and say one is "worse" than the other. So, let me just say for those of us in this boat, it sucks hard and I don't have any answers for us because if I did I wouldn't be here on this forum in the first place.

That said... there is a truth to women having it easier in this regard. A couple of ways to parse this. Many men and women have low self-esteem and so they see themselves ugly but other people do not. A woman who has low self-esteem will still be approached by men who find her attractive. She might fight the attention, not believing it to be real, but she has a chance at least. However, a man with low self-esteem is not going to be approached by a woman... pretty much ever... and he'll be berated for having low self-esteem constantly. So in this case, the man with low self-esteem is going to have a harder time connecting than a woman with low self-esteem... because men will reach out to women they like despite her being down on herself while women generally will avoid men with low self-esteem like the plague.

Then, lastly, if you are a man or woman who is "ugly" by societal standards... whether by looks or personality... women are still the ultimate decider. Men have to approach women in our world, even as other things have slid towards more equality. An "ugly" woman might very well not get approached, that's fair to be depressed about... but the "ugly" woman could approach an "ugly" man if she wanted and it would likely make his day. The reverse, however, is not usually true. The "ugly" man still gets rejected by "ugly" women because she can feel approachable and feel like she deserves/wants better and turn him down.

I don't want this to be a man vs woman thing, because those conversations devolve and get ugly fast and people only know their own experiences really... I'm just saying that the way our society is constructed and some of the traditional gender roles that still linger around impact the "ugly" man moreso than the "ugly" woman. Yes, it sucks to be either and I wouldn't say it sucks more to be one than the other. Pain and loneliness and isolation hurts like hell. I live that life... I'm just saying from my experience and the way the world is structured, I have far less of a chance to get out of the cycle than a woman in my same situation would have. Maybe it is only marginally more of a chance for her.. that's fair to point out... but it's just a little more navigable for her than for me. That's all I'm saying. And I don't wish this feeling and life on anyone.

 

[ironrain]

I should stay out of these threads, but I can't help myself.

So... off the top... there are unfortunately many of us men and women who, either by looks or personality or both, are considered unattractive by most of society and we have great difficulty and near impossibility finding a partner. That's a sad fact, and I don't know if I can say being a man in this situation is worse than being a woman would be. I can only speak for how miserable I am, and I don't think it usually is meaningful to compare one person's reason for suffering to another and say one is "worse" than the other. So, let me just say for those of us in this boat, it sucks hard and I don't have any answers for us because if I did I wouldn't be here on this forum in the first place.

That said... there is a truth to women having it easier in this regard. A couple of ways to parse this. Many men and women have low self-esteem and so they see themselves ugly but other people do not. A woman who has low self-esteem will still be approached by men who find her attractive. She might fight the attention, not believing it to be real, but she has a chance at least. However, a man with low self-esteem is not going to be approached by a woman... pretty much ever... and he'll be berated for having low self-esteem constantly. So in this case, the man with low self-esteem is going to have a harder time connecting than a woman with low self-esteem... because men will reach out to women they like despite her being down on herself while women generally will avoid men with low self-esteem like the plague.

Then, lastly, if you are a man or woman who is "ugly" by societal standards... whether by looks or personality... women are still the ultimate decider. Men have to approach women in our world, even as other things have slid towards more equality. An "ugly" woman might very well not get approached, that's fair to be depressed about... but the "ugly" woman could approach an "ugly" man if she wanted and it would likely make his day. The reverse, however, is not usually true. The "ugly" man still gets rejected by "ugly" women because she can feel approachable and feel like she deserves/wants better and turn him down.

I don't want this to be a man vs woman thing, because those conversations devolve and get ugly fast and people only know their own experiences really... I'm just saying that the way our society is constructed and some of the traditional gender roles that still linger around impact the "ugly" man moreso than the "ugly" woman. Yes, it sucks to be either and I wouldn't say it sucks more to be one than the other. Pain and loneliness and isolation hurts like hell. I live that life... I'm just saying from my experience and the way the world is structured, I have far less of a chance to get out of the cycle than a woman in my same situation would have. Maybe it is only marginally more of a chance for her.. that's fair to point out... but it's just a little more navigable for her than for me. That's all I'm saying. And I don't wish this feeling and life on anyone.

I agree with what you said. It's really more difficult for men because they're never approached and it's unfair. That kills self esteem.

I don't think that women are ultimate deciders though. Some ugly women have high standards, I agree (ahem, me), but some ugly men have high standards too, and an ugly woman approach them is an insult. Both men and women can be cruel about it

 

[Dejected 55]

I agree with what you said. It's really more difficult for men because they're never approached and it's unfair. That kills self esteem.

I don't think that women are ultimate deciders though. Some ugly women have high standards, I agree (ahem, me), but some ugly men have high standards too, and an ugly woman approach them is an insult. Both men and women can be cruel about it

I think the thing I hoped I was saying was... a man or a woman being rejected or ignored or insulted and isolated, I think we feel the same hurt... or at least for us we feel whatever hurt we feel and I don't think one is worse than the other. I think we are relatively equally hurt on an individual basis. But, I think the structure of society is such that it is technically, even if just marginally so, "easier" for a woman in some cases than for a man to find a way out of that hole.

Meanwhile... yes, you're right of course. As I alluded to in a completely different post I just made, people are people whatever else we have specifically going on... So, "ugly" people are still people and we aren't all the same. Should an "ugly" person want a "pretty" person? What does that even mean? From the outside I see "mismatched" couples sometimes where one seems more attractive to me than the other... but if they love each other, then they don't see each other that way so my opinion doesn't matter. It's a tricky conversation to navigate, especially with the combination of each of us being harsher on ourselves than we are on others and all of us having slightly different opinions on what we find attractive... what is "ugly"? There are, I guess, conventional opinions on male and female "beauty" that most agree with... but even there, I don't find all the same things "pretty" that other men do. I like who I like, and for me it's as much about who she is as a person as how she physically looks. I've seen conventionally "pretty" women that completely turned me off with personality... and I've been SUPER attracted to women that I loved who they were and the more I knew about them, the more "pretty" they looked to me on the outside as well. It's a weird phenomenon.

So, yes... sometimes "ugly" men or women might be going for people "out of their league" but, again, what does that even mean? It's a tricky topic.

 

[cyanidekitty]

in my opinion & i know it probably wont change how you feel or how anyone else feels but no one is truly ugly

society is just shitty & people tend to ride off of others standards. & like i think i saw someone else say, societal standards for looks have went to shit

i never started out feminine & actually a little bit of last year & this year i just started to become more & more feminine but let me just say they probably only have it a bit easier

men still cheat even on the prettiest & most etiquette women, with the most appealing bodies. & thats because most of them can never be satisfied.

this can also be applied to women lol but im not a woman hater + im one myself so…

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

"You can't please everyone; control the things you can control." ~Suncha

I'll confess that for a long time I desired a relationship, but at this point, I see it as nothing more than a distraction for me— and I don't do distractions.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Being a kind caring person makes you attractive. There have been people i wasn't really into, but they were so kind and caring I started to think they were very very attractive.

Sucks you are dealing with these thoughts. It's horrible to feel. I deal with these thoughts often. I wish i was more feminine. Also no one should make you feel sexist for having a preference.

 

[ironrain]

I think the thing I hoped I was saying was... a man or a woman being rejected or ignored or insulted and isolated, I think we feel the same hurt... or at least for us we feel whatever hurt we feel and I don't think one is worse than the other. I think we are relatively equally hurt on an individual basis. But, I think the structure of society is such that it is technically, even if just marginally so, "easier" for a woman in some cases than for a man to find a way out of that hole.

Meanwhile... yes, you're right of course. As I alluded to in a completely different post I just made, people are people whatever else we have specifically going on... So, "ugly" people are still people and we aren't all the same. Should an "ugly" person want a "pretty" person? What does that even mean? From the outside I see "mismatched" couples sometimes where one seems more attractive to me than the other... but if they love each other, then they don't see each other that way so my opinion doesn't matter. It's a tricky conversation to navigate, especially with the combination of each of us being harsher on ourselves than we are on others and all of us having slightly different opinions on what we find attractive... what is "ugly"? There are, I guess, conventional opinions on male and female "beauty" that most agree with... but even there, I don't find all the same things "pretty" that other men do. I like who I like, and for me it's as much about who she is as a person as how she physically looks. I've seen conventionally "pretty" women that completely turned me off with personality... and I've been SUPER attracted to women that I loved who they were and the more I knew about them, the more "pretty" they looked to me on the outside as well. It's a weird phenomenon.

So, yes... sometimes "ugly" men or women might be going for people "out of their league" but, again, what does that even mean? It's a tricky topic.

Yeah it's all blurry because people aren't archetypes and they aren't constant. And love isn't competition, there are patterns but there's a possibility the most random person you didn't expect might fall for you lol. But patterns prevail.

Also attraction really depends on person. Some grow to be attracted to a person despite their flaws, or they just don't mind them. Some can't really do that. Which is sad but it is what it is. I don't believe shallow = evil, not caring about personality though. It's just how some people are.

I agree with everything else you said.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

Is ugliness a valid reason to kill oneself, that's the question. There are many ugly people, who are successfull scientists or politicians. It is success that makes people attractive. For example a in my eyes really ugly woman was for 16 years the chancellor of my country and was respected all over the world.

 

[HopeIess]

i relate to u a lot, i am short tho. and i dated a guy that was 175cm. he claimed he was an incel. i thought he'd be loyal but nah the minute he got attention from another girl, he was gone lol

"and i dated a guy that was 175cm" you acting like you did this guy a favour by dating him... like he is a midget or something, lol 175cm is the average height for men unless you live in north europe

 

[HopeIess]

Is ugliness a valid reason to kill oneself, that's the question. There are many ugly people, who are successfull scientists or politicians. It is success that makes people attractive. For example a in my eyes really ugly woman was for 16 years the chancellor of my country and was respected all over the world.

ugly + really high iq + healthy mind = you can find some coping method to not think about being ugly and still live peacefully

ugly + average or low iq + mental health issues (possibly triggered by appeareance) = depressed and suicidal

 

[ironrain]

"You can't please everyone; control the things you can control." ~Suncha

I'll confess that for a long time I desired a relationship, but at this point, I see it as nothing more than a distraction for me— and I don't do distractions.

I'm actually wondering whether I even want a relationship and a man and not just a fantasy. Lifetime of fictional romance melts one's brain pretty strongly lol.

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

I'm actually wondering whether I even want a relationship and a man and not just a fantasy. Lifetime of fictional romance melts one's brain pretty strongly lol.

In a world like this, I wouldn't know the answer to that...

 

[ironrain]

Being a kind caring person makes you attractive. There have been people i wasn't really into, but they were so kind and caring I started to think they were very very attractive.

Sucks you are dealing with these thoughts. It's horrible to feel. I deal with these thoughts often. I wish i was more feminine. Also no one should make you feel sexist for having a preference.

I understand what you mean but damn the fact that someone needs to get used to me sounds really sad like bro, don't force yourself

My preference is pretty outdated + doesn't match what I can give, so it's just a sexist delusional fantasy. I won't say what my preference is though because I still have some shame lol.

Is ugliness a valid reason to kill oneself, that's the question. There are many ugly people, who are successfull scientists or politicians. It is success that makes people attractive. For example a in my eyes really ugly woman was for 16 years the chancellor of my country and was respected all over the world.

Well, I'm not a chancellor....... I'm just like, someone you pick if you're really desperate. If I could I'd pick being beautiful, not smart, because my intelligence is enough to know not to touch hot pan and I'm not interested in some stuff that's prestigious anyway. And I like feeling pretty, it's not just about men, it's me feeling comfortable in my own skin.

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I understand what you mean but damn the fact that someone needs to get used to me sounds really sad like bro, don't force yourself

My preference is pretty outdated + doesn't match what I can give, so it's just a sexist delusional fantasy. I won't say what my preference is though because I still have some shame lol.

Lol the way you worded the first part got me laughing. I understand though it would be nice to have people right away think you're attractive. People might try to use you more tho, and if they like you more cause your actions/words the relationship would likely be stronger. I never forced myself to like anyone tho it just happened.

You shouldn't feel shame unless you're into some scary stuff. Easier said then done tho. It's just a preference

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

I understand what you mean but damn the fact that someone needs to get used to me sounds really sad like bro, don't force yourself

My preference is pretty outdated + doesn't match what I can give, so it's just a sexist delusional fantasy. I won't say what my preference is though because I still have some shame lol.

Well, I'm not a chancellor....... I'm just like, someone you pick if you're really desperate. If I could I'd pick being beautiful, not smart, because my intelligence is enough to know not to touch hot pan and I'm not interested in some stuff that's prestigious anyway. And I like feeling pretty, it's not just about men, it's me feeling comfortable in my own skin.

If your primary concern is feeling comfortable in your own skin, if just you want to like yourself, then you can create your own ideal of beauty, one that you can easily achieve. This, however, requires a lot of self-confidence. Since we just celebrated Walpurgis Night, I'm reminded of the paintings of witches by Dürer. I always found them somehow attractive, even though they don't conform to today's beauty standards.

Or consider older people, whose beauty has faded; viewed through the right lens, they are still attractive.

 

[RinneOfAragon]

being an ugly woman straight up sucks. no two ways about it. I'm in the ugly category and it's horrible.

 

[2106lvsk]

"and i dated a guy that was 175cm" you acting like you did this guy a favour by dating him... like he is a midget or something, lol 175cm is the average height for men unless you live in north europe

i didnt mean it in that way at all. the girl mentioned that exact height so thats why yeah. anytime i talk about my struggles with dating, a lot of men online js tell me to lower my standards and go for a guy in my league. im just making it clear that i didnt go for some like extremely good looking tall guy. i just went for a regular guy and it still ended up hurting me. its not a problem with the guys. i think its just a problem with me

 

[ironrain]

being an ugly woman straight up sucks. no two ways about it. I'm in the ugly category and it's horrible.

Real

i didnt mean it in that way at all. the girl mentioned that exact height so thats why yeah. anytime i talk about my struggles with dating, a lot of men online js tell me to lower my standards and go for a guy in my league. im just making it clear that i didnt go for some like extremely good looking tall guy. i just went for a regular guy and it still ended up hurting me. its not a problem with the guys. i think its just a problem with me

Don't listen to them. Don't lower your expectations, everyone should have standards.

 

[aoseno perpetuo]

So I'm the problem here, if I weren't a giraffe I'd gladly date a 175cm guy but I'm a giraffe... I'll never have that.

? most men at any height would date a woman much taller. it is well proven that female height preferences are much stronger and are far more often dealbreakers. the vast majority of 165cm men would date a 190cm woman. the insecurity would come from those men feeling like she would leave them for somebody taller.

being ugly is a terrible existence for both and your feelings are valid and i hope you do feel better

 

[pechaberry]

Watching someone look past like you don't even exist when you are trying to ask a question is one of the most infuriating fucking things. Feels like what you say doesn't matter. People can be straight up rude to you for no reason.

 

[ironrain]

Watching someone look past like you don't even exist when you are trying to ask a question is one of the most infuriating fucking things. Feels like what you say doesn't matter. People can be straight up rude to you for no reason.

Fr, like bro I didn't choose this