I will personally always find it so dreadful to exist, I'd never wish for the cruel, futile burden of existing and I suffer so much from how I cannot just have the option to fall asleep permanently, I find it deeply undesirable to exist in every way. I'd always prefer to not exist than suffer in this existence that I always saw as completely unnecessary in the first place, I was never meant to suffer in this horrific reality where there is all this endless cruelty and suffering, to me existence will always feel like a mistake. But anyway I wish you the best.