Venting Back at it

[february in alaska]

Pretty sure my last real post here was April of 2024 when I was planning to ctb. I've been good about staying off this site and I dunno, if things take another turn up randomly soon I will probably try to stay off of it again. Hopefully this will just be a one off post and I'll vanish again. But my god I need to vent without worrying family or guilt tripping people around me or skirting around my therapist being a mandated reporter or whatever

Over a year since I planned to die and I have thought about suicide plenty but today is the first time I genuinely genuinely considered just going for round two. It's not like anything bad even happened, I just got prodded about the future and reminded that I need to get my shit together and not just keep through wading through the limbo. I haven't moved since April '24 but the whole world around me never stopped. And I can't do it I genuinely just fucking can't.

My therapist and my parents make it sound like its so easy to ease my way back in. Like re-entering university and retaking classes and graduating and getting a proper job and being self sufficient and getting my own place to live is doable. But it'snot fucking doable. I want to scream at tthese people that it's hard and I'm still fucking suicidal and I'm this close to going off the edge all over again but I know that sounds dangerously close to "let me do what I want or I will kms" and that's manipulative as fuck and it's better for everyone if I either get my shit together or bite the bullet sooner rather than later

I still have the SN and stuff I've kept it all this time, I don't have benzos but I could take them or leave them at this point. If I do it again I'm not going to bother preparing. I already did the whole clean my room write letters leave voice memos trying to make everything good before I left. If I do it again I just need to fucking do it asap without thinking about it too hard and getting in my head about it just to chicken out a second time

Undoubtedly going to cut the fuck out of my leg tonight and maybe tomorrow will be better but jesus fucking christ I cannot do it I'm so fucking tired and I'm "recovering" but the most minor things are enough to make me backslide all the way back to the bottom. Nothing makes me happy anymore nothing brings me joy I'm just dragging myself through the motions. sweet nothingness of death please take me now lmao

 

[_Gollum_]

I remember you, glad to see an update! (Though not so glad as to the contents of that update). I changed my username (formerly Alexei_Kirillov) and profile pic so you might not recognize me, but I'm the one who complimented your username :)

Anyway I really relate to the feeling of nothing having changed, despite time moving forward... It's been much of the same for me, too.

Feel free to come back here anytime if you need to vent.