Avoiding my room

[draw a circle]

I'm trying to not stay home because I'm in a bad mental place rn but I don't want to do anything drastic yet; the pain that drives me forward to this decision has ebbed and left me with just stress, anxiety, and fear. My room is where I keep my rope and where I decided I would be doing it, and being inside makes me feel depressed. My nosy, well-meaning dad is also home and I don't have the energy to talk to people in my house. I can't keep being here so I will go to my cousin's house during the day. I still think about doing it, but at least I won't be able to. I don't know what I want to achieve. I just want to let this out.

PS the new interface is cute

 

[draw a circle]

Adding because why not. One of the things that pushed me into planning was heartbreak, but lately I've been feeling kinda okay about it? Like it's either I'm getting over it or I'm just giving up and i don't know. I just don't feel immediate pain when thinking about it, however my desire to die isn't going down. But the pain is what numbs me from the fear and now that i can't summon the same kind of pain I don't know if i will be able to do it. The way i wanted to die now was more of a necessity like "i need to die before this happens because it will suck that i will be better of dead anyway" whereas with the heartbreak it made me goes "i really want to die rn".

I still want to die but without the drive to die. I'm just over here wanting nothing. I still feel pain from being lonely and heartbroken and from the pressure to graduate but it's not enough. I've been living this year as if it was my last year. I don't care about anything anymore. I don't know what to do.