Venting Attention I don't understand it.

[To_bareTo_tear]

it feels weird being given attention sometimes. It doesn't matter it's form, be it online likes or someone deciding they want my name and number. It's not like I don't understand why people want to interact with me, if you put something of value of the table be it a joke, your looks or simply a certain vibe; of course people are interested. But whenever I have someone looking at me, I feel somewhat dreadful for some reason. I always feel, always know, I just need to be a little less; funny, cool, interesting etc. and all that happiness and validation at being given attention will be gone because there's no reason to give you attention anymore. It's not painful it's just inevitable to me like running in a race and midway you realize and know you're not going to catch up with anyone their all so far away and you'll never be next to them. You just can't run that fast as simple as that.

This isn't to say I hate being given attention, I'm happy to be appreciated. But It's hard to happy for long with this logic. If I had to tie it somewhere it'd be from my mom (most of my problems are from her..) after every argument when I was still somewhat young (mostly before 14 because at that age I really did truly start to hate her) she'd always hug and tell me how much she loved me if I said I was sorry, it made me happy in those moments I felt so accepted like I had so much value but then it'd dissipate the moment she'd hit me for being bad again. Everytime she'd comfort me I learnt to hold my breath and accept that deep down I could never accept it, never be loved because it'd hurt me more when I can't give her the image of a "good child" she needs.

And maybe that's why. Why I can't seem to care about people's opinions on me, why I can't have any friends for too long, and can't accept the idea of trying to be friends with someone. everyone is just someone I know. Friend is a shorter word for it. I'm alone in the sense I don't know how to trust being together.

Tldr; trauma from my mommy makes me an emotionally distant sore loser chud

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Sounds to me like you were raised by a narcissist mother and I can see why you eventually began to hate her. She would love bomb you when you gave her what she wanted, but turned abusive suddenly when you didn't. Being raised by abusive parents sucks.

 

[To_bareTo_tear]

Sounds to me like you were raised by a narcissist mother and I can see why you eventually began to hate her. She would love bomb you when you gave her what she wanted, but turned abusive suddenly when you didn't. Being raised by abusive parents sucks.

Actually thinking about this a bit more it's comforting to think my mom has a uniquely evil person disorder that made her inflict a bunch of abuse on me but I think that absolves her of too much responsibility.

The truth is much more mundane in that I come from a country where hitting is seen as actual discipline and children are bred like dogs and treated like dogs. My mom from the very beginning always said she had children to not be alone and not taken care of when she was old, her trying to comfort me in her mind probably didn't mean anything more than making the lesson stick in my head, like how you pet a dog even if it's done something wrong because its just that cute.

Children are cute. The moment I stopped being cute, too tall, too loud more akin to a grown man than the beautiful "long legged" (for some reason one of the only compliment she kept repeatedly giving me..) girl she thought she'd have in her old age, she stopped trying to comfort me at all. She called me dangerous and said I didn't belong here in my birth county because I was too "western", but she still said she loved me and I don't doubt her but i know it's not from a place of wishing me the best nor even wanting to see me happy. It's because she thinks I am a dog that'll die without her, in the false impression of it being a requirement, you'll do anything to love something beneath you. Humans are just like that, always sympathetic towards the regular everyday man who can't do a thing.

I think that's what it means to be a child. To be abused, discarded and not a person because people are always fixated on the what you'll be next, you see it with these child safety acts that never not even once ask if children even need this many rail guards to be "properly developed" and god forbid you actually have a disorder and or be queer in this country atleast people think you're already a waste of space. I think it's pretty telling that people still quote an outdated misinformed research paper that the brain stops developing at 25 when that was just the age range the paper stopped at.

No matter how I think of my childhood I can only think that even if I was born somewhere else with better laws on my safety and with a more considerate parent things would still go awry somewhere somehow because to everyone children are just dogs. They'll call them mentally undeveloped, unprepared or say that they love them just so all of that can stay home. In their cage. Where they can be dogs that'll work and be adored for their families.

Even the lucky bunch of people that get to say they love their parents with no complaint have to acknowledge it too, if you're under 18 and say you don't love your parents you're damned no matter how abusive or shitty they are, the fact you're a child alone makes everyone think it must be a phase or something unfortunate to fixed by giving you yet another person to "take care" of you.
Yeah being raised by abusive parents sucks though.

Sorry if this is too negative for something you just wanted to type on a vent. I've just been ruminating on the fact in social hierarchy terms children are only a step above animals to so many people. It feels like a massive injustice that's basically world domination since absolutely nobody questions it at all. I don't know what to do about it though, politics always depresses me and the only people that share this sentiment triple back peddle on it and say '"well we should only try to uplift older teenagers since they are much more mature!" Which feels like such a joke because I've been withstanding absud from my mom since I was 6, and that was just when I was conscious enough to acknowledge it might be abuse and I might need help.