I think for me it was realizing how many non-suicidal and pro-life people are actually also miserable and unsatisfied with their lives. Even though I'm really down bad, down to the point of wanting to kill myself - they aren't necessarily happy either. Which just makes it seem like bullshit when people talk about how "life is worth living," "things will get better." That was very, very discouraging to me when I was younger. Seeing all of the older people who are also unhappy just isn't fun, because it really says the truth about how enjoyable life is. I shouldn't expect my life to ever be particularly happy, because "recovering" isn't becoming happy. It's becoming normal, which is obviously better than being depressed, but still not that good.