Venting At times I question my sanity.

[IQLESS]

At times I really ask myself 'Am I clinically insane?'. I am an extremely horrible person, so save your sympathies. I have questioned if I am a narcissist or a sociopath, but honestly I don't care at this point.
Just about a week ago I told my mother I would kill her and that I was going to put a bullet into her brain with a glock and also said more horrible shit. The reason for this? She cared for my well-being. Yes you heard me, I did this simply out of being annoyed and I haven't apologized since. I continue to blissfully live off her money and in her house. I really thought about killing her, I thought about what would come afterwards. I thought about being put into prison or a psych ward and what my friends and other family would think of me.
I just have so much hate welling up inside me. I hate everyone. I tell suicidal people to kill themselves because I want to for no reason, I manipulate people for self-gain, I do horrible shit to engrave it into myself how bad I am. I'm fucking rotten and from every forum I have posted this kind of shit I have gotten only validation. You keep telling me you are sorry for my mental state, why? Despite lack of empathy I still have some, I have loving friends and parents that people would kill for. Tell me I am shit, bring me down to earth, you fuckers can't keep consoling me, It's sick, the shit I just told you is like 1/10 of the absolute revolting shit I do. I need to be put down like a rabid dog, I'm unpredictable. I could do whatever the fuck because this world is like a video-game to me and I'm begging to die. Who fucking knows what I'll do, I could shoot up a school, I could rob a bank, fucking tell me I am horrible and that you hate existing on the same planet as me. Don't tell me that you are sorry you sick fucks, I'm disgusting in every way possible. Beg for a creature such as me to be sent to hell. I don't deserve anything good yet I feel sorry for myself. I hate myself so much and I hate everything. Fuck this shitty world, I hope everything suffers and burns.

 

[Pluto]

What you describe doesn't sound like narcissism. At the root of narcissism is a sense of superiority and entitlement. Sometimes the narcissist will want to torment others just to punish them for being so inferior. I have two of them in my family, plus countless enablers, and I can also confirm that they seldom question themselves in any meaningful way.

Were you abused in early childhood? It sounds like you internalised a message of being 'bad' and it has turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Either way I wish you peace. I'm not going to preach about recovery as I have failed spectacularly to overcome all the hate I copped when I was young.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you are going through a lot. Being alive really is horrible, that is why I see it as better to never be born in the first place. Anyway, I can imagine it must be painful to carry all of that hate.

 

[Snake of Eden]

You are not the only one who hates everything and everyone. I too hurt people that I love and cared for. I think people like us are better off dead for sure. In my case i made it my mission to end my miserable existence before the year's end so rid the world of one shitty person

 

[RazzleDazzle]

I'm definitely insane, I've recently realized that I wasn't actually being stalked, I'm just literally delusional. Yeah. Therapy is a good thing for anger, but therapy is also a good thing for delusional disorders. Or, y'know, there's here.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

Well, that does sound like you are more than a little bit off; but is not our work to fulfill your desire for hate. Not everyone here is full of hate to call others the worst names possible, so there is not a real reason for me to pretend to not have empathy; just to fill your hate desires and later on perhaps justify whatever comes, is not going to happen from me.

Something must have happened in your life before for it to end up like this.

Good luck.