i don't think i've ever felt this horrible in my life. something that was just a "bad day" yesterday turned into me not being able to stop crying and desperately wishing i was dead, just to stop feeling this way. suddenly my own brain is torturing me, bullying me and making me feel so lonely - technically i am. there is nobody in this world who would want to truly listen to me or hear me out, nobody around me cares, they are sick of my whining, they are sick of me constantly saying i want to die yet being too scared to do it.
if only i had my method of choice available to me yesterday or today, i can guarantee id be gone. it's a surreal thing to think about.
i can ""get by"" when i distract myself. but the moment i stop, the moment i close my eyes and let my brain relax even for a second, it all comes back with a vengeance. i just want to be comforted. i need a hug and yet nobody is here to give it when i need it most. i feel shattered. i feel like a monster. i am a terrible person that deserves death, and im sad i couldn't have died when i was still an infant.
these feeling are ripping me apart and overwhelming me. if i didn't live in a third world country where they treat psych ward patients like prisoners, i would've called them up and gotten help. but no. even that isn't possible. nobody cares. not even the ""professionals"" who are supposed to help you. i feel like im actively dying and yet all i can do is put on a mask and not annoy people with my silly little problems
if only i had my method of choice available to me yesterday or today, i can guarantee id be gone. it's a surreal thing to think about.
i can ""get by"" when i distract myself. but the moment i stop, the moment i close my eyes and let my brain relax even for a second, it all comes back with a vengeance. i just want to be comforted. i need a hug and yet nobody is here to give it when i need it most. i feel shattered. i feel like a monster. i am a terrible person that deserves death, and im sad i couldn't have died when i was still an infant.
these feeling are ripping me apart and overwhelming me. if i didn't live in a third world country where they treat psych ward patients like prisoners, i would've called them up and gotten help. but no. even that isn't possible. nobody cares. not even the ""professionals"" who are supposed to help you. i feel like im actively dying and yet all i can do is put on a mask and not annoy people with my silly little problems
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