Crow_88
Experienced
- Dec 30, 2024
- 277
Yeah. I am pretty slow and thought I was smart. It really really really can mess your life up. I'm in such a corner due to years of needing to believe I was something I wasn't. I was told my whole life I was a 'borderline genius'. Not so much. Yeah yeah.. i got good marks in school. So what? That was university and it was philosophy. I had no business in university in the first place. Jesus christ did I ever blow it. Ive always been very gullible and I think I kind of tricked myself into a corner. No one has ever really liked me either. Very lonely my whole life. I know that has a lot to do with less than fantastic parents and an upbringing - but that isn't really the point here. I was always just sloppy and last to get it. Suicide truly is my only way out.
I've been told the doctor at my birth told my parent I was this borderline genius type. Ah.. no. And thanks doc, that really messed some stuff up. I'm just like really strange and shockingly socially incompetent. And once again, I thought I was super socially competent. I even wrote a book that dealt in large part with social skills - teaching them - lol. What a farce. I hung out with actual smart people, smart-person-job-having people, for most of my life. And I really didn't do anything. I guess I was kind of okay at customer service. An entry level position, but then I had a like 3 year long mental breakdown and destroyed any chance I had of having a job or friend for that matter.
Blah. So now i'm back living with my mom and her roommate in a place that is too small as I slowly become more and more fearful. I just basically shattered my ego entirely. This assumption that I was smart was incorrectly the backbone of any feelings of self worth. When, after a whole lot of years I finally realised the truth and fell into reality - well, I'm terrified of pretty much everyone now. It is horrible horrible.
I just kind of never cared about anything practical. My head was always in the clouds. Fantasy and sci fi. Videogames. Mountain bikes. Drinking. That's all I cared about. As everyone else was learning things or choosing a career I was chasing manic joy. And yeah, there is definitely some mental problems in my head - the problem is that they aren't going away. Even if they were diagnosed - big deal. Too much has happened.
Music was my whole life and I can't even really listen anymore. It just reminds me of the joy and uplift I'd experience listening. The few pleasures I had have been taken and I am truly left with nothing. I look over my life for a place where had I made a different decision that thing would have been okay. I really don't see it. Maybe if I'd been raised a little different in those oh so important first few years. Maybe. Either way, after that I'm on rails towards suicide. It is far from the first time I've found myself at a total loss. Just by far the worse.
That's all. Thank you to anyone who reads this.
I've been told the doctor at my birth told my parent I was this borderline genius type. Ah.. no. And thanks doc, that really messed some stuff up. I'm just like really strange and shockingly socially incompetent. And once again, I thought I was super socially competent. I even wrote a book that dealt in large part with social skills - teaching them - lol. What a farce. I hung out with actual smart people, smart-person-job-having people, for most of my life. And I really didn't do anything. I guess I was kind of okay at customer service. An entry level position, but then I had a like 3 year long mental breakdown and destroyed any chance I had of having a job or friend for that matter.
Blah. So now i'm back living with my mom and her roommate in a place that is too small as I slowly become more and more fearful. I just basically shattered my ego entirely. This assumption that I was smart was incorrectly the backbone of any feelings of self worth. When, after a whole lot of years I finally realised the truth and fell into reality - well, I'm terrified of pretty much everyone now. It is horrible horrible.
I just kind of never cared about anything practical. My head was always in the clouds. Fantasy and sci fi. Videogames. Mountain bikes. Drinking. That's all I cared about. As everyone else was learning things or choosing a career I was chasing manic joy. And yeah, there is definitely some mental problems in my head - the problem is that they aren't going away. Even if they were diagnosed - big deal. Too much has happened.
Music was my whole life and I can't even really listen anymore. It just reminds me of the joy and uplift I'd experience listening. The few pleasures I had have been taken and I am truly left with nothing. I look over my life for a place where had I made a different decision that thing would have been okay. I really don't see it. Maybe if I'd been raised a little different in those oh so important first few years. Maybe. Either way, after that I'm on rails towards suicide. It is far from the first time I've found myself at a total loss. Just by far the worse.
That's all. Thank you to anyone who reads this.
