Are you surprised you are still alive?

[DivineSpark]

I am surprised, been struggling for last 8 years, and I dont think things will get any better for me...I have no future...there is no joy, no pleasure in my life.

 

[SparkleWater]

I should have killed myself 7 years ago like intended. instead i had to meet my boyfriend and make friends. now more people will miss me if i die

 

[Knoc]

I'm not surprised at all, i'm as useless as a human being can be, couldnt even kms despite 8 years of clinical depression and ocd

 

[iwishtodie8]

Im really surprised im still alivd

 

[LittleNelson]

I'm shocked I've made it to age 37. I've been dealing with depression since I was a teenager and I've tried and failed to CTB twice. I literally have nothing to live for - no money, no friends, no future. I think it's just the fear of death that is keeping me here.

 

[peridot-tears]

Kinda. I thought I'd be gone by like 14-15, and miraculously I made it to 21. I feel like a phantom now, like I subverted a timeline where I wasn't meant to be here and am trying to find my way back.

 

[Andrew10]

Yes, I'm really surprised I made it past 18 when I first considered CTB, I should have died almost 4 years ago. But honestly I'm more surprised that I didn't end up being a vegetable after surviving a failed exit bag attempt. I feel like I stopped belonging here years ago. I'm currently close to 21 and honestly feel like a living zombie at this point or a non-existent entity that shouldn't be here. I'm just staring at the game over screen and I just wait to press exit

 

[FuneralCry]

No I'm not as after all I'm so cruelly denied the option of a painless guaranteed death so finally I can find peace from the suffering and torture of existing and I'd just always prefer to not exist no matter what than be burdened with this existence I always saw as the most terrible tragic mistake and there's just so much suffering and so much cruelty in existing, it's all so dreadful to me and I just wish I never suffered. I'd never wish to be conscious of anything at all rather all I hope for is non-existence, only non-existence can bring me the relief I search for, I'll always see existence as an abomination that just causes harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can suffer until non-existence takes away all anyway and more than anything I just wish I was never burdened with this existence, I never should had been forced to suffer at all but of course the suffering of existing just continues.

 

[Subhumano]

Yes, but not really because Im too mucj of a coward to kill myself

 

[Izzythebelle]

at 16 I didn't think I'd make it to my 20's, and when I was 20 I didn't think I'd make it to 30. I'm over halfway there now, and I've never thought I'd have to deal with life this long. Now I'm stuck trying to make it to the next day without a plan or time to make one.

 

[Defenestration]

Yes and
Jealous when i see people die

 

[zixd]

I am , but also im sure that when m'y schizophrénia épisode Will knock .. i'll do it on impulsivity this time .

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

I overcame the phase of surprise - I'm angry right now Ò.Ó

 

[anonymous2025]

I'm shocked I've made it to age 37. I've been dealing with depression since I was a teenager and I've tried and failed to CTB twice. I literally have nothing to live for - no money, no friends, no future. I think it's just the fear of death that is keeping me here.

I'm 38. 39 next month. But I hopefully won't see it.

 

[May_B_2_NITE]

I sure am. I'm rather certain that my next episode (of psychosis) will be my last.

 

[JesiBel]

Honestly yes, it's quite absurd, I would have imagined being ashes at this moment..

 

[Defenestration]

J'aurai 38 ans, 39 ans le mois prochain. Mais j'espère ne pas le voir.

Same 38 now

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Yes i'm very surprised and very angry i'm still alive . i should have killed myself 5 years ago when i first got SN and a shotgun. too afraid of failing and remaining alive with more damage

i'm not saying SN will leave you damaged but my horrible condition will after a failure nothing to do with SN. Shotgun obviously low chance of failure but still fear missing and remaining alive with more damage

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I'm really surprised. When I created this account, I thought it would be gone in less than a month. However, against all odds, I'm still here

 

[no-hope-no-future]

I'm surprised and rather angry with my self too. Multiple attempts but yet I'm still here. I just wish I would hurry up and die already.

 

[thebelljarrr]

Yes, I just shouldn't have failed my last attempt. I feel like a ghost waiting, so tired

 

[anonymous1234554321]

Yes, I just shouldn't have failed my last attempt. I feel like a ghost waiting, so tired

I want to put "hugs " but I don't see this button here

 

[Dark Moon]

That's a very similar story for me also, I have little to no enjoyment and no future. I should have killed myself a long time ago, I'm surprised I'm alive still.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

Yes, since I've been struggling with major depression for 2 decades now. I always managed to push through everything and keep going, no matter how bad it got. But I'm feeling much closer to the end of the rope this year than I ever have.

 

[timechained]

I was surprised after my first attempt which I was 100% certain would kill me.

I am also surprised that no matter what method I choose it requires suffering to get to death.

The one method that seems peaceful seems like it requires a physics degree to know the right nitrous flow.

 

[forgottenfantasywrt]

Yea i can't believe i am

 

[Forveleth]

Not surprised. Just annoyed.

 

[Defenestration]

Pas surpris. Juste agacé.

So true

 

[moya117]

nahh, not surpised, im a coward. i do have an "attempt" but its not lethal enough to kill me, im embarassed to even remember about it lol. i do want to die, sure im afraid of the pain in the process of dying, but that's not the big issue. im trapped in my own thoughts, fear of getting into hell even if i dont really believe in religion and god, i just get thaught that way since i was a child so it have been ingrained to me untill now...

 

[Defenestration]

All nights i dream to die in my sleep