Are you surprised/disappointed you have not ctb yet?

[noname223]

When I was 15 I started being suicidal. When someone had asked me to that point if I would have gone through the torture which has awaited me, (sorry for grammar) I would have laughed and told hell no and said I would ctb instead. To that time I started to have this feeling how difficult it is to commit suicide. I wished I was dead and asked me how I gonna avoid my suicide. Now almost a decade after that I really know how difficult it is to ctb.
My problems have extremely increased but I am still alive. I know some mechanisms in my mind which make my suicide very likely. With every severe crisis I turn more suicidal. The first severe crisis had extreme suicidal ideation and little suicidal actions, the second way more suicidal actions and the third is part of my future.

I am kind of surprised I have not done it earlier. On the other hand I tend to overthink the situations I am in. I don't think being disappointed is the right word for my feelings. I could have spare me some nasty years and killed myself earlier. However I want to have tried almost everything before my suicide. Unfortunately almost every attempt failed abysmally...

 

[hʚll]

deeply disappointed. i must say i got unlucky too.
i try to be empathetic towards "me" even if i hate me. but yeah i could have rested in peace by now. many mental errors from my part

actually really angry at myself

 

[FuneralCry]

I am not surprised I am still here as it is hard to take our lives and I have this fear of failing with consequences. If there was an easy way to leave this earth then I would have been gone a long time ago.
I am disappointed though, I wish I was never born and I have never really wanted to be alive. Life is mostly just pointless suffering and there is no limit as to how bad it can get. Non existence sounds ideal to me.

 

[Taki]

Same here. Looking back on the years since I was first suicidal, it wasn't worth it. Pro lifers thinks it's such a triumph that someone "chooses life," but the inability to follow through on killing yourself is the same inertia that keeps making life a hell and a nightmare. My years have been wasted.

 

[LenkaX]

It would have been much better for me if I CTBed 20 years ago. There's nothing to live for.

 

[PaxAmerica]

If I am honest with myself I still hold on to the belief I will not CTB in the end. I think I am in real hell at the moment. I cant see how to get out. But while I have toyed with hanging attempts and self harm, I don't think if I am honest I am at the stage where it is a definite route for me.
So i am not surprised I haven't CTB'd. I am hurting myself more and more. And the pain is getting worse. It may well be that soon i will pass a tipping point. I just don't know.

 

[Hotsackage]

I should've ended it 12 years ago

 

[WFJ74]

Disappointed, yes. Surprised, no. My SI is very strong... so strong that I've talked myself off the ledge several times over the past year. I know I will succeed when I do finally try, but I'm disappointed that I haven't been able to go through with it after having tried 3 times in 2020.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

No, my strongest trait is unreliability/inconsistency so I can't really surprise myself at this point.

 

[Largeletters]

I found a video I recorded of me venting a year ago. I said things like, "I'm not making it out alive," "I'm going to kill myself soon," etc. I am surprised to make it another week each time, so to have gone years with suicidal thoughts and attempts, and to still be here, yeah, it's both surprising and disappointing. It's an odd feeling to look back at times where I was basically completely sure and content I was going to die, yet I'm still here. It makes me wonder how much longer I'll last.

 

[BeyondGoodNEvil]

dissapointed every once a week i just go hangout by a tree thats far from home and see if i have to will to hang myself.Its hard to handle the pain from the rope(sharp pain) and also that fact that my subconscious dosent want to let me truly die.
surprisingly dying painless is a luxury i cant afford.

 

[Lolkillme]

I'm both surprised and disappointed. I was raised religiously, but was suicidal by the time I was 6. I'm 28 now. If I wasn't raised like that I would have killed myself a long time ago (you go immediately to hell if you commit suicide). Now I don't believe that stuff but I'm still here. For now.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Neither surprised nor disappointed. When the time is right I'll know and already have everything ready.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Very pissed and bummed out to not have done it already. For a long time my plan was to jump so I would put it off until tomorrow. Now I hope any day or next week.

 

[SheJumped]

I was looking forward to be part of the 27 club, now I'm in my late 30's counting down to the years I have left for my little one to understand.
I won't make the same mistake twice missing out on my chance to catch the bus.

 

[9137890]

Very Deeply disappointed as I got my SN ago 1,5 years I was happy but it comes out it not that easy. My dump SI is always standing in the way. I hope now with some drugs I will make my SI to shut up.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I should have killed myself 10 years ago. Maybe even at 14 when this misery begun I wish I knew of the option. I hate all the memories of this world. I don't want this anymore