Discussion Are you fundamentally self destructive?

[hurts2b]

Is "self destructive" a marker of your personality? Something you just fundamentally are? For me it is.

 

[FoxSauce]

No, I mean I dunno actually. Would you mind to define self destructive ? Please

 

[hurts2b]

No, I mean I dunno actually. Would you mind to define self destructive ? Please

I guess I define it as any action deliberately taken against yourself for the purpose of acting against yourself. Does that make sense?

 

[FoxSauce]

Yeah. thank you so much! I guess my most destructive behavior is sh and well insulting myself.

Is it part of who I am? I dont think so

I hope that answers your question.

 

[starboy2k]

Yep and I love it.
I have the most fun when Im destroying myself.

I didn't become this way overnight and I damn sure didn't arrive to this mentality on my own contrary to the popular societal belief of personally taking all the blame for the way the "village" fucks you over.

Im glad im at this point in my life. Makes wanting myself dead all the more comforting.

 

[E4syW3y0u7]

Yes, everytime i've been close to achieve a meaningful thing in my life, i've managed to ruin it and hurt others along the way. I need to be gone.

 

[itsgone2]

Yes. Things will be clear to me then I'll do the opposite and think it's good. So many times.
I hate it. I'd give anything to change it all.

 

[softfur]

YES if you cut the rotten bits out of me there'd be nothing left

 

[avoid]

I suppose I am but not for the sake of acting against myself. I'm overly anxious and always doubt myself, fearing any potential negative consequences for my actions, even when realistically/statistically they won't happen. So I run away, avoid certain things and sabotage myself in the process.

 

[enjoytheride]

I have a pattern of self-sabotage anytime I accumulate unusual amounts of stress and, on top of that, several unpleasant situations occur in a short period of time.

Example from last Friday: stress from a whole week of work + an issue with rent + the landlady being rude + a coworker treating me as a tool. This prevented me from sleeping well and when I woke up in the middle of the night, I did something I anticipated would most probably not be good for me. I reached out for human warmth and connection on an app that is overwhelmingly used for casual stuff. The result was that my mental state worsened and I was physically exhausted. Ruined my Saturday and my psychological balance, my self-esteem is damaged.

So being aware of this pattern is important for sure. Fighting it feels like pushing a boulder uphill over and over again, like in the story of Sisyphus. I long for the day in which faced with such a heavy load of stress and disappointments I will just say "No! I will do something constructive this time. I will take a midnight walk outside or I will play a computer game, listen to music or read a book. Or call a friend, if it is not too late at night. Or take a cold shower and try to sleep again.". That would be life-changing.

Up until now my mind has been too good at persuading me it is OK to veer away at those moments when I am most vulnerable. And then that same mind relentlessly punishes me for not sticking up to what I knew was better.

 

[hurts2b]

I have the most fun when Im destroying myself.

This. It's so hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it but it's very true.

 

[Scythe]

Mostly just SH and self destructive thoughts. I haven't got plans to self sabotage my future because I don't see a reason to. I have thought about true isolation in the past in a self sabotage way though.

 

[Pluto]