Applying to college again the anxiety is killing me

[Imgonnadie]

After dropping out before I told myself I didn't need it and could make do with a trade and after trying out said trade I'd rather die than do that shit for an extended amount of time, unless the job kills me first. The university system is so unforgiving. Now I have bad shit on my record from being in a shit state of mind when I first attended uni straight out of high school, it's going to follow me forever. And I don't know if I'll even get enough financial aid for it now that my record is sullied. Like having a felony. As if I didn't do well the first time I don't deserve a reasonable life. Even if I wasn't poor I'd just get less aid and the cost would still be exorbitant. I don't if I'll be able to complete my classes this time. The uncertainty is making me sick. God I wish I lived in a place where college is free, but even then I bet there's some caveat which would still fuck me in this situation.

Reading the overcomplicated university websites that are all different is making me sick. I've been trying to keep a positive attitude and power through the application process but I'm running into roadblocks already. I envy the fuck out of people that have no problems with school. Grade school prepares you so shittily for the real world.

 

[Lupgevif]

I understand you. I am also dropping out, from a course I persevered on for years despite hating it, on an awful headspace as well. Now I gotta submit myself to another broken admission process, one that has nothing to do with the course in want to apply for (except for a very specific phase, to which I can't figure out how to prepare for). I breezed through middle school and high school, in the sense that not only I put time into my studies, but I got results from them. I wish I had slacked off and only had fun then, if I knew I would become such academic disgrace.