Anyone secretly wish that terrible things happen to them hoping it will tip them over the edge?

[CemetryGates]

I've got to that point now where I go through life wondering what disaster life has in store for me this time and I think to myself, will it finally push me over the edge to the point where there is no turning back. I wonder.
x

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm pretty sure I'm already there, so no need to wish for anything else. The way my life is, something else may happen all on it's own, and if it does, I'll still be where I am right now; making plans, getting things together. Unless it's something really bad that screws me up in such a way that I won't be able to physically go through with ctb. That would suck.

 

[imtrying]

We created the exact same thread on the same day lol. I feel very similar. Like my reason isn't good enough but I'm just down the path to getting worse and I can't stop.

 

[slushy]

I definitely don't wish for bad things to happen to me, but I've definitely had the thought that if they did it might make it easier to ctb. Plus, maybe it would make more sense to my family that way.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

Lately I've been hoping to get diagnosed with cancer (at a just early enough stage so I can still ctb) for this reason. Not that my current reasons aren't good enough for me, but if I have cancer the others can't really blame me post-ctb for doing it. It's too bad I can't take over some kid's cancer and free them to live their life.

 

[IWillSmileWhenIDie]

NO, and that just happened to me, actually. Really horrible stuff. It's beyond stupid to wish for something to happen so you...feel like dying more...I don't get it at all. I get wanting to be able to die not having disasters happen for no reason

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I often see stories of people begging for a diner for a transplant or a child dying of cancer and begging the powers that be to give me their ailments so they can live and I can die in their place.
They have people who love them and they have so much to live for.
I'd give anything to trade places with them so they could live.

*donor, not diner

 

[ianista]

Lately I've been hoping to get diagnosed with cancer (at a just early enough stage so I can still ctb) for this reason. Not that my current reasons aren't good enough for me, but if I have cancer the others can't really blame me post-ctb for doing it. It's too bad I can't take over some kid's cancer and free them to live their life.

I so feel you. Sometimes i think its also a cowardly wish of myself: I wanna get diagnosed with cancer, doesn't matter in which state. If its in early state, i would simply ignore it for a while till its almost not curable anymore. Then i would tell anyone that i have cancer and its to late, make plans for ctb and see what people do with this situation.
It's me biggest dream, i almost daily daydream about this. If i could take the sickness of someone who would like to life and die in their place, that would even make it better and i would take it now without any hesitation.

 

[Julgran]

I've got to that point now where I go through life wondering what disaster life has in store for me this time and I think to myself, will it finally push me over the edge to the point where there is no turning back. I wonder.
x

I do. Firstly, I hope that something even more horrible happens to me, than has already befallen me, so that I will have no other option than to end my life, and I also sometimes wish that a car or similar runs me over by accident so that I die abruptly.

 

[want2dienow]

So I wasn't seeing things.

 

[Leiden]

I'm sick of terrible things happening to me. I would never wish to have more.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I'm not wishing for more horrible things to happen but I'm letting my life deteriorate… I'm doing things I know are bad for my mental health… Eating poorly, quitting exercise, Sleeping all day,isolating, spending time on this forum… Embracing this identity

 

[CemetryGates]

I'm sick of terrible things happening to me. I would never wish to have more.

I know i'm fucked up.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Not a lot of terrible things have happened to me and yet I'm posting on a suicide forum anyway. The answer would be no but I can kind of understand why.

 

[CemetryGates]

Not a lot of terrible things have happened to me and yet I'm posting on a suicide forum anyway. The answer would be no but I can kind of understand why.

That's understandable honestly my head is fucked. x

 

[MountainMonkey]

I find myself daring the universe to shit on my life even more. I curse and threaten the universe as if it were a sentient being. If anything can hear me, I tell it I want it to suffer tenfold

 

[WhatPowerIs]

That's understandable honestly my head is fucked. x

Mine too, mine too. :(

 

[Hope:-)]

I'm kinda hoping this place will give me the strength I need to ctb x

 

[Ligottian]

At this point in my life, I need a few more kicks in the ass from the the universe before I CTB. So yes, I think I know what you mean.

 

[FuneralCry]

The way that you feel is understandable if someone has a method like N or SN and the only thing that is holding them back from ctb is the SI. I do believe that many people manage to leave this world when they reach the point of desperation and when things get unbearable for them. In my case, I fear things getting worse for me and still being unable to ctb. The reason as to why I am still alive is because of limited access to methods and I fear the method failing. The only thing that I wish for is a peaceful exit.

 

[Leiden]

I know i'm fucked up.

I'm sorry life has gotten you to this point CG

 

[CemetryGates]

I'm sorry life has gotten you to this point CG

It's okay. I'm used to it now x

 

[Romeo1984]

I understand the reasons perfectly, but when they say "I want to be diagnosed with cancer", get ready, for there will be a lot of pain and suffering. It is not an easy way. Even if short, it will be necessary to exhaust all alternatives to be considered with terminal for CTB. Until then, you will have to endure pain, including treatment methods. Talk to someone who has already lost a relative to cancer to know what I'm talking about. It may be liberating to have cancer, to leave as a hero, but there will be a lot of suffering.