seekingoblivion
Arcanist
- Dec 11, 2018
- 454
I'm quite certain there are many here who have nights where you lay in bed consumed by various thoughts struggling to fall asleep. But how many here get woken up by those thoughts after falling asleep as well? Like I fall asleep and after some time I get what feels like a jolt of electricity and I wake up heart pumping and within that state of transition between sleep and being awake all my worthlessness and my stupidity and my ugliness and my patheticness and every reason I have to hate every fiber of my being are amplified and sit right at the crown of my thoughts. If I happen to fall asleep again it'll only be for a minute then I get the same jolt and it feels even more intense. If someone were to walk into my room as this was happening they'd hear everything I think cause I literally can't hold any of it in during those moments. I say everything out loud including how I feel I'm too stupid to figure out a way to kill myself and the endless questioning of why the fuck I'm still alive. After a short while I'll be fully awake and struggling to fall asleep. The only way I can calm myself enough to sleep is if I play my guitar for a while. I sleep with it on my bed every night cause of this. Does anyone have any experience with these jolts of self hatred?
