Venting anyone else stuck between trying to get better or just CTB?

[iftheworldwasending]

sometimes i have the energy to think maybe i should try, but then i realize maybe it's not worth the effort anymore. will anything ever actually come out of my life?
debating cancelling my therapy appointments and stopping my medicine so maybe i get the balls to actually CTB finally.

anyone else feel this way?

 

[Frauw]

I feel as if for me its just best to go with the flow of things, if I show a little improvement cool I guess? if I CTB then it was just my time to go. We can only endure so much before we've had enough, and we've gotta die sometime anyway.

 

[peacechoice]

Wo

I feel as if for me its just best to go with the flow of things, if I show a little improvement cool I guess? if I CTB then it was just my time to go. We can only endure so much before we've had enough, and we've gotta die sometime anyway.

wow, so nonchalant about it. I like it.

 

[iftheworldwasending]

I feel as if for me its just best to go with the flow of things, if I show a little improvement cool I guess? if I CTB then it was just my time to go. We can only endure so much before we've had enough, and we've gotta die sometime anyway.

i think it's just hard for me because i either want to commit to getting better or just end it. just lost on what to do.

 

[Frauw]

i think it's just hard for me because i either want to commit to getting better or just end it. just lost on what to do.

Lifes weird like that, shit just happens. at the end of the day it's your choice to make and nobody can take that away from you.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

I feel you. I've tried a couple times to recover already but they were unsuccessful (as evidenced by my being on here)

Severe social anxiety disorder is uncurable. I could learn to manage the fear, but I can't make up for the 20+ years of social development that I lost due to this illness. For that reason, I'll always be lacking and struggling to communicate with others, I don't think I'll ever be independent either unless i receive disability.

I'm gonna go to therapy one more time before I graduate and try meds this time. I wouldn't want to die without trying out every option. But in any case I think suicide is inevitable for me, its a matter of when.

do you only have depression? I hear that when meds and therapy don't work, ECT can be something that can be effective. MAOIs and tricyclic meds might also help if you've only ever been on SSRIs. There's a few options out there, but the field of psychology is still very young. Barely under a century ago we were still lobotomizing people. It's all up to you in the end, just know you're not alone with feeling hopeless and like it's not worth.

 

[NightmareTour]

There's always been a part of me that instinctually tells me that I just need to try harder. It's probably from being told that for most of my life. Logically, though, I know I've tried everything. There is no route available to me for improving my situation, and I'm coming to terms with that now. Death is unavoidable, and sometimes it's just better sooner rather than later.

 

[Lordsudbury]

What a huge topic. Glad you brought it up to see everyone's responses.

I'm doing a lot better these days; but when I get triggered the rush to CTB comes back. I have the option to do it any time. Sometimes it feels like I'm forcing it (the ctb feelings) because I'm over the worst. But the ongoing depression and ptsd is so unbearable too.

I feel like I've been talking and thinking about it so long I owe it to myself to CTB. That I'd be a failure if I didn't. Whereas the motivation to go the other way and be better again...is such a huge mountain to climb, and I always feel fake to my suicidal self. Because I feel like such a bad person.

Great topic to think about.

 

[succor]

sometimes i have the energy to think maybe i should try, but then i realize maybe it's not worth the effort anymore. will anything ever actually come out of my life?
debating cancelling my therapy appointments and stopping my medicine so maybe i get the balls to actually CTB finally.

anyone else feel this way?

I've absolutely had this thought a lot, especially lately. I'm chronically ill and also mentally ill, and while my family and my partner and my friend laud me for my strength and fighting spirit I'm considering refusing further medical treatment for my illnesses and letting nature just take its course (i.e. stopping all medications keeping me alive and letting my body rot itself and stop functioning).

I feel as if for me its just best to go with the flow of things, if I show a little improvement cool I guess? if I CTB then it was just my time to go. We can only endure so much before we've had enough, and we've gotta die sometime anyway.

Unrelated, but is your icon Yotsuyu from FFXIV? Haha!

 

[Frauw]

I've absolutely had this thought a lot, especially lately. I'm chronically ill and also mentally ill, and while my family and my partner and my friend laud me for my strength and fighting spirit I'm considering refusing further medical treatment for my illnesses and letting nature just take its course (i.e. stopping all medications keeping me alive and letting my body rot itself and stop functioning).




Unrelated, but is your icon Yotsuyu from FFXIV? Haha!

Sure is

 

[DeadbyDawn63]

Exactly that at the moment. I want to get better but things just happen and now I've made it worse which has speeded up my downfall.

 

[AfraidofEverything]

Yeah I'm stuck in that limbo too. There were times I thought I could fix things but they only got worse and I just don't have the energy to care. I'd rather be done with it honestly but then I flip back a little.

I do realize as time goes I've become more comfortable with the idea, it sits in the back of my mind. Between trying to get therapy or trying to find a ctb method I put more into the method, finally practiced a bit.

 

[Antigonish]

The ever ending cycle of my life. I'll get better for a little while, and will have the confidence of a thousand. But then something small and insignificant will get my over thinking going. Then I'm all the way down, blaming myself for all that's wrong with the world. The bi-polar tendencies don't help. Nuff said, I dont won't to live or die, just simply fade from this existence, into a new one. With a different face, name, etc. And be someone else, somewhere else.

 

[iftheworldwasending]

I feel you. I've tried a couple times to recover already but they were unsuccessful (as evidenced by my being on here)

Severe social anxiety disorder is uncurable. I could learn to manage the fear, but I can't make up for the 20+ years of social development that I lost due to this illness. For that reason, I'll always be lacking and struggling to communicate with others, I don't think I'll ever be independent either unless i receive disability.

I'm gonna go to therapy one more time before I graduate and try meds this time. I wouldn't want to die without trying out every option. But in any case I think suicide is inevitable for me, its a matter of when.

do you only have depression? I hear that when meds and therapy don't work, ECT can be something that can be effective. MAOIs and tricyclic meds might also help if you've only ever been on SSRIs. There's a few options out there, but the field of psychology is still very young. Barely under a century ago we were still lobotomizing people. It's all up to you in the end, just know you're not alone with feeling hopeless and like it's not worth.

thank you so much for the suggestions. i struggle with depression, anxiety, awful PTSD, OCD, BPD, along with a list of other things i'm sure i'll think of later.
i'm currently on prozac and lamictal, i was on lithium starting at age 13, and have tried 25+ medications over the last 13 years since i started lithium at an early age (26 now).

 

[OminousVaL]

I have hope but my patience is finite.

 

[parasytes_]

I've been feeling like this a lot too. I actually planned to ctb at the end of October, but I couldn't really bring myself to go through with my plan. It was a combination of things, but the biggest reason was my fear of the nothingness after death. Deep down I knew that I wasn't ready to go through with it, even though I often wish I would drop dead. I still experience a couple of things that bring me joy that do keep me going for a while, but my mental issues still make living a struggle for me in numerous ways, along with a rare health condition I've had little help in getting treated. I just hate that I go through these mood swings pretty often but can't bring myself to ctb. Life is a drag, but like another user said I've chosen to just go with the flow in life, and just see where things may end up for me for now.

 

[sadworld]

I tried to ctb several times, my orignal plan was august... My SI is huge tho so it always stopped me but a few hours later I just really wish I went through with it...

 

[St. Jimmy]

I like to call this place Limbo.

 

[DocNo]

at bright times i see all the opportunities. ideas and thoughts firing through my brain. but often afterwards comes the hard crash on the floor, realizing that i don't seem to be able to accomplish anything of it.
too many ideas, too many interests, which feels like standing in a room full of doors and i am unable to decide which door i should go through.

two times in my life this brought me to the point, where i gave up on myself completely. but the closer i was to the point to finish it, the more this feeling and vision of a new perspective appeared on the horizon.

this changing states between the vision of perspective and self-doubt, being unable to make a decision, also leads sometimes to the feeling that i can't even trust myself or my decision making.

i guess one of my main faults often is/was, to be to obsessed in sucking up information and doing things to nearly a point of exhaustion and taking too little time to think about stuff.
especially when i feel shitty - doing stuff is a good excuse to push aside the shitty feeling. would i start thinking in this stages, it would just drag me deeper in the bunny hole.

sometimes i think it seems really to be an imbalance in my brain, this greed for information - its pretty addictive behaviour for me.
the best feeling i get is from learning. ideally i would just learn till my end, without ever using the learned things for anything.

the limbo - a word i read on this site first - was for me more the state near the finishing line. this not to wanna live but not being able to die feeling.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

A little, but it's fading out really. I kept telling myself I would try to get the energy to live and kinda thought I could, but it's getting more and more obvious that this magic motivation to do stuff is never gonna come.

 

[it's_all_a_game]

I could easily get better, but I'd rather just non-exist instead.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I used to back and forth on leaving my marriage. Stuck. Indecision.
Now I know I can't leave the marriage so instead my internal narrative is around ctb. I want there to be an off button.
I will go. I hate everything about my life. It's a good time to go because only 15 people will be allowed at my funeral so it'll just look like covid times rather than the fact I had no one who cared about me I am done. That's my main thought. I wake in the morning and it's the first thing I think. My children are relentless, I wish I hadn't had them. I am done. I inch closer and closer to being ready every day and I will get there. I am boxed in this place and there is no other way out. I can't imagine ever enjoying anything again, or finding comfort in anything. I don't look forward to anything. I don't feel joy around anything. Mostly I feel nothing, interspersed with despair, anger and hopelessness. I'm done.

 

[Lordsudbury]

I used to back and forth on leaving my marriage. Stuck. Indecision.
Now I know I can't leave the marriage so instead my internal narrative is around ctb. I want there to be an off button.
I will go. I hate everything about my life. It's a good time to go because only 15 people will be allowed at my funeral so it'll just look like covid times rather than the fact I had no one who cared about me I am done. That's my main thought. I wake in the morning and it's the first thing I think. My children are relentless, I wish I hadn't had them. I am done. I inch closer and closer to being ready every day and I will get there. I am boxed in this place and there is no other way out. I can't imagine ever enjoying anything again, or finding comfort in anything. I don't look forward to anything. I don't feel joy around anything. Mostly I feel nothing, interspersed with despair, anger and hopelessness. I'm done.

What a statement. Truly "the grass is greener" . I would just love to have a family and kids. I wish I could ask you "whats wrong?" But I know it's not that simple. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

 

[opiatedreamz]

honestly, i would love to get better and fix my life. but i feel like nothing is making me happy anymore. yeah, i get moments of "excitement." it doesn't last, though. and i just don't feel truly happy. i feel stuck sometimes, definitely.

 

[muffin222]

I just flow with life moment-by-moment, day-by-day at this point

 

[speck]

I have this back and forth as well. It really does come with then"energy", doesn't it? On days when I have some normal energy, manage to get some things done, I really think it could be done. I could start all over like other people do, maybe even be a success or achieve a dream. But then the next day, I'm back down on the ground. I have personally given up at this point, and will probably drop out soon and prepare to move on. I can't go with the flow, because I have no supports to catch me if I go too far. For me, taking control of my life is ctb- it will keep me from further sadness and failure that I simply no longer have capacity for.

 

[shay23]

You're not alone! This has forced me into the limbo where I don't have the energy to live but don't have the energy to end my life either. I am just existing.

 

[All washed up]

I don't seem to have the energy to try to get better or ctb.

 

[RocknRolladdict69]

I am scared to die after my first attempt by ingesting pills. And more than that I'm scared of living. It's such a bad place to be in. But this is my horrible comfort zone. So I don't know if I'm trying to be better or not.

 

[FatalSystemError591]

I'm very much a person known for naïve hope, I don't know when to quit and try to remain optimistic. From trauma I'm also the person who tries to help others feel better and tell them what I need to hear, who doesn't know how to accept help and has accepted within myself as of super recently that I am just broken beyond repair at this point.

There are days where I feel like yeah maybe progress can be made and so the urge is just a whisper instead of a scream, but those days are rarer now.