Discussion Anyone else struggle to be sympathetic most of the time?

[m4rius]

For instance in this forum, there's many sad threads that receive sympathetic replies from users who seem to have genuinely absorbed the thread's content... I sometimes wonder how people are capable of expressing sympathies routinely even when they themselves are struggling...

Not only that, but when I do reply and attempt to sympathise, I seem to have a tendency to include myself in it even if it's unprompted, which is a concerning self-reflection. It seems like I'm only interested in talking about other people's problems if I can also self-insert and sort of connect that way, rather than to simply sympathise and not mention my own woes at all or needlessly mention solutions...

To give some context: besides my low-level depression, I also have ADHD, which causes me to skim through things impatiently rather than sit down and truly read and absorb the content. But even when I do take my time, I still don't feel compelled to express sympathy — I just wanna get straight to the point and discuss solutions.

I feel like expressing sympathies is a waste of time, even though I immediately know I disagree with myself — obviously there's value in sympathizing. I'm just impatient and emotionally numb; I want to discuss solutions and nothing else.

I guess it just comes down to numbness, but I doubt it. Even in my happiest and most emotional days, I have a hard time to just.. sympathise.

 

[Irisse]

Yes, I do struggle with it also. I feel, even in this post, that I always make everything about myself. I really do wish to offer words of support but I often feel that it will come out wrong or I already see that someone else's post summarized what I wanted to say much better. As for sympathy and empathy, I guess I'm still able to put myself in others' shoes but I feel like I'm way too judgemental of a person to empathize with everyone. Not to make excuses for myself but I literally got bullied for being nice (there were probably other reasons but this is a hundred percent one of them) so I am careful who I sympathise with.

I don't think you should blame yourself, though. Maybe you also went through trauma and it left you with that numbness. You also mentioned that you have ADHD, which obviously plays a part in your concentration and immersion in a forum post which expresses suffering. I think you definitely have it in you, as if you truly didn't feel sympathy/empathy, it wouldn't even occur to you to write this post.

 

[princexhhn]

I can relate. Most times I just… don't care. I can't get myself to care even if I tried. I just pretend to care, I do what I see other people doing, but I don't actually care. It doesn't strike any emotion to me, doesn't make me feel anything at all.

 

[Lady_V]

Empathy can be gained with age. I worry about the younger people here a lot. Worried about the big decisions they are making w/o their brains fully capable of understanding long-term repercussions.
In my teens and early early 20s I truly didn't care about much and could stomach some dark shit, not anymore. I truly do wish the best for people and wish they weren't here.

 

[heywey]

I feel similar. When someone's struggling I would like to offer support, just to say something so they know they've been heard, but it never comes naturally. I've written out a lot of responses here on SaSu I never posted because they just felt empty.

I think, at least for me, even when I really empathize with someone, it doesn't feel like there's anything else to say. Like, in this thread: I read what you've all written, I think you conveyed your experiences in a way I can understand and relate to. But now what? I could talk about my own experiences, or share advice if I had any, but if what you say seems valid as-is then it's hard to see either a reason or way to validate it further.

It's easier face-to-face than in a forum, at least. Nonverbal sympathy can just mean being present which is nice.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It tends to vary for me. Some times I feel more sypathetic and open than others. If it's someone I know venting to me, it can go in the other direction. Where the next few hours are dominated by worrying about their problems. It's sometimes reached a point where I've fairly cruelly pulled away from mutually engaging in venting- because it was getting to me too much.

I'm also guilty of making things all about me. Maybe that's not entirely selfish always. We may sometimes be doing that to show the person they aren't alone or unusual for worrying about something. It may also be an effort to express that we are at least trying to understand them, by recalling something similar we went through. Of course, that can come across as insulting, if it looks like we are trying to belittle their problems. Or, like we are trying to steal the attention.

But definitely, I'm less sympathetic, less tolerant than I used to be. And it does vary. I think we need a certain amount of strength to be there for others though. If our own problems are taking up all our strength to cope with, we may have less to spare for others.

It's true though. Some people are incredible. I had a short stay in hospital once. There was such a lovely lady in the bed opposite me. She was literally being wheeled back in after a procedure and, she was asking me how I was! Some people are so kind. It's pretty humbling.