I'm trying to get through while I'm on unofficial suicide watch by my mum. There's a tree in our back garden which I could hang myself from and I've mastered the slip knot but the tree is right outside my mums bedroom window so I'd hate for her to wake up to that. When she's at work I could leave a note at the front door saying "call the pigs" or something but I know how bad waking up is anyway, never mind her waking up to see me hanging straight away. Hope this makes sense. It's going to be horrible either way but y'know im stuck. All I can think is all the people who pretended they cared about me because I was succeeding in life and they were trying to own my success, being asleep right now knowing they have a purpose when they wake up. I know that won't be everyone I know but I hate talking to my peers right now who are "doing everyone proud" when I've been forced into failure. I also feel guilty because it is like a victim mentality but in reality I actually have overtly been victimised. However I believe in my current distress we are all covertly victimised by oppression, some just comply to society. Again I'm sorry for ranting but I am sick of the people who are hypocrites and who just "help" others to boost their name and status.
thanks to the people who responded on my last rant, and anyone who reads and responds to this one. I'm truly stuck, feeling somewhat distressed but because of the alcohol and a benzo I'm internalising it rather than expressing it. I don't hate all people though but the majority of people out with this forum (in my life anyway) only care about boasting, self promotion and using altruism as a disguise to do those. Ugh. Particularly shocking when all these folk are all about "suicide prevention". Absolute slap in the face to those who are actually going through an active suicidal spell (I consistently feel suicidal but not always actively) and those same people just abandon you. In addition to that, some of those people saying they advocate for those who have experienced trauma and abandonment issues often resulting in personality disorder. I actually can't get over the brass necks of the majority of humanity. Yet they get away with everything and become high flyers within their career.
Sorry again I'm just so effing angry that they are dangling my livelihood and dreams by a string in front of me.
thanks to the people who responded on my last rant, and anyone who reads and responds to this one. I'm truly stuck, feeling somewhat distressed but because of the alcohol and a benzo I'm internalising it rather than expressing it. I don't hate all people though but the majority of people out with this forum (in my life anyway) only care about boasting, self promotion and using altruism as a disguise to do those. Ugh. Particularly shocking when all these folk are all about "suicide prevention". Absolute slap in the face to those who are actually going through an active suicidal spell (I consistently feel suicidal but not always actively) and those same people just abandon you. In addition to that, some of those people saying they advocate for those who have experienced trauma and abandonment issues often resulting in personality disorder. I actually can't get over the brass necks of the majority of humanity. Yet they get away with everything and become high flyers within their career.
Sorry again I'm just so effing angry that they are dangling my livelihood and dreams by a string in front of me.
