Venting anyone else feeling passively suicidal?

[theanonymousssly]

not really actively wanting to ctb, honestly, if a car drove in front of me i'd still dodge. but if i died, i don't care.

friendships have been tough. just started realising recently how bad i am at them, how i ignore those who care about me because i feel pressured and how those that are closest to me (my best friends) don't reach out first. they're shitty friends. my best friends hang out together nightly without inviting me and i know because they post stories about it and im so sick and tired of being a last resort…

all my life ive been a last resort. a disappointment. im in college now, working towards med school, and the biggest exam ive ever taken is in a week and ive barely studied. im so fucked, honestly. i wouldn't care if i died.

i thought i was doing better. now im bad again.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's mostly passive ideation for me- because I don't feel like I can go till my Dad goes first. So- I'm sort of in a limbo between the two. I have a method prepared (SN- although, expired now,) and I do picture using it from time to time. But then, that works me up- in terms of fear and frustration that I don't feel able to do it yet.

Most of the time though- passive ideation is lurking in the background and, whilst doing stuff I don't want to- which is most things now- it's on a repeat loop in my head.

I've also let friendships drift and I'm negelecting more and more of what I should be doing to live.

 

[meatballlover]

I think passive suicidality is pretty normal. I'd say i shifted towards passive as well recently, im doing bad but relatively stable enough to keep going. Anyway I have read your story and im really sorry to hear it. Good people are in every corner of the earth but unfortunately the earth is round.

 

[Sardenain]

I guess passive suicidal ideation is very common. I would like to compare my own situation to a downhill where I go lower until I stop for a moment and accept that level. But downwards is the only direction I see. And at somepoint, I will drop again to a lower level.

Thus the lack of future, death and suicide are heavily on my mind. And that of course affects how I see the present. But at the same time I am not in the hurry to go even more down. Because I "know" that I will get there without being active.

 

[spiders.in.my.head]

I've been more passively suicidal lately too. Still hate myself and wish i were dead, but not severely enough to do it. So for now, I'm stuck ruminating about everything I've done wrong and everything I can still fuck up in the future.