Anyone else feel unable to cope with any change or anything ending?

[PrincessInWhite]

I feel like I wasn't meant to grow up or something. I'm 28 goddamn years old, I have a good degree I could use but I can't work because of my insomnia and because In general I am an absolute wreck with just life moving on and coping with it. I can't handle change or uncertainty of any kind.

I wake up every day just crying thinking about all the things I had I'll never have again, and knowing more loss looms on the horizon (my grandma; eventually my parents, etc). The thought of life progressing the way it's supposed to leaves me paralyzed with grief and fear. I know nobody enjoys losing people or things, but I REALLY cannot cope with endings. It's to the point that knowing all things end sucks the joy out of them for me, it literally breaks my heart to have anything change, be that moving (I've lived the same place my whole life), leaving a job, other people in my life moving, even small things like in a tv show if someone gets a new bedroom I don't like it.

I also can't cope with normal life stressors like juggling appointments, jobs, finances, etc. it all becomes a jumbled mess in my head and I can't accept the uncertainty around anything, it's like I need a definite answer for everything right away or I go into despair/panic mode. It's to the point I feel my time may be up here, like I've gone as far as I can go without being miserable. But then the kicker is, ending my life would also be an ending!!! I feel absolutely trapped and like no matter what choice I make, live or die, my heart is absolutely breaking.


For reference I also am autistic and have ADHD, OCD, and C-PTSD. Please no advice to seek help etc, I have more therapists and psychiatrists and specialists than I can count and I still can't function. Just wondering if anyone else can relate to this or if any mindset changes have helped you, etc.

 

[Deleted member 10090]

I'm paralyzed by inaction, I can't cope with change either.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

I'm paralyzed by inaction, I can't cope with change either.

Thanks for your reply My inbox is always open if you want to chat!

 

[SadLoser]

i'm like that too. I hate change. I graduated highschool over 2 years ago and I still fail to accept that my latest memory from there is so long ago now.

 

[Deleted member 10090]

Thanks for your reply My inbox is always open if you want to chat!

appreciate it, mine is as well <3

 

[FuneralCry]

Well, for me it is a comforting thought, the thought of my life ending as there will be no more suffering and I will finally be at peace. However apart from that, I have always struggled to cope with change. In this life everything stresses me out, I easily get overwhelmed and I dread the future. I guess I easily get used to things and when things are forced to change, I can end up feeling a bit lost in a way. I am not meant for this world and in general, I just cannot cope with life. Life is too stressful and tiring.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

I feel like I wasn't meant to grow up or something. I'm 28 goddamn years old, I have a good degree I could use but I can't work because of my insomnia and because In general I am an absolute wreck with just life moving on and coping with it. I can't handle change or uncertainty of any kind.

I wake up every day just crying thinking about all the things I had I'll never have again, and knowing more loss looms on the horizon (my grandma; eventually my parents, etc). The thought of life progressing the way it's supposed to leaves me paralyzed with grief and fear. I know nobody enjoys losing people or things, but I REALLY cannot cope with endings. It's to the point that knowing all things end sucks the joy out of them for me, it literally breaks my heart to have anything change, be that moving (I've lived the same place my whole life), leaving a job, other people in my life moving, even small things like in a tv show if someone gets a new bedroom I don't like it.

I also can't cope with normal life stressors like juggling appointments, jobs, finances, etc. it all becomes a jumbled mess in my head and I can't accept the uncertainty around anything, it's like I need a definite answer for everything right away or I go into despair/panic mode. It's to the point I feel my time may be up here, like I've gone as far as I can go without being miserable. But then the kicker is, ending my life would also be an ending!!! I feel absolutely trapped and like no matter what choice I make, live or die, my heart is absolutely breaking.


For reference I also am autistic and have ADHD, OCD, and C-PTSD. Please no advice to seek help etc, I have more therapists and psychiatrists and specialists than I can count and I still can't function. Just wondering if anyone else can relate to this or if any mindset changes have helped you, etc.

Yee

I feel like I wasn't meant to grow up or something. I'm 28 goddamn years old, I have a good degree I could use but I can't work because of my insomnia and because In general I am an absolute wreck with just life moving on and coping with it. I can't handle change or uncertainty of any kind.

I wake up every day just crying thinking about all the things I had I'll never have again, and knowing more loss looms on the horizon (my grandma; eventually my parents, etc). The thought of life progressing the way it's supposed to leaves me paralyzed with grief and fear. I know nobody enjoys losing people or things, but I REALLY cannot cope with endings. It's to the point that knowing all things end sucks the joy out of them for me, it literally breaks my heart to have anything change, be that moving (I've lived the same place my whole life), leaving a job, other people in my life moving, even small things like in a tv show if someone gets a new bedroom I don't like it.

I also can't cope with normal life stressors like juggling appointments, jobs, finances, etc. it all becomes a jumbled mess in my head and I can't accept the uncertainty around anything, it's like I need a definite answer for everything right away or I go into despair/panic mode. It's to the point I feel my time may be up here, like I've gone as far as I can go without being miserable. But then the kicker is, ending my life would also be an ending!!! I feel absolutely trapped and like no matter what choice I make, live or die, my heart is absolutely breaking.


For reference I also am autistic and have ADHD, OCD, and C-PTSD. Please no advice to seek help etc, I have more therapists and psychiatrists and specialists than I can count and I still can't function. Just wondering if anyone else can relate to this or if any mindset changes have helped you, etc.

Sameee, I'm 19 tho. I did not grow up properly yet as well. Doing nothing is also some choice, and it'll have consequences. I know what you mean about endings and change. I was the same but at some point I stopped caring. Which maybe isn't good. But also feelings sometimes come back, not as strong as before, but still. I know for sure I'm going to be a wreck once my loved ones die. It's unreal to me how some people just accept that, but also... The rational part of my brain tells me it's the right thing to do- stop caring and move on. It'll eventually stop hurting. What has helped me with irrational fears of change and not being able to adapt was- a mental breakdown which resulted in a cognitive impairment. Now I can't hold my focus for very long and my memory is bad. I lost some personality and comfort but also all the anxious thoughts. Not sure if that's helpful lol. But it kinda made me realize that you can let go, these are just thoughts you can outwait them. Besides it's not you who'll be dealing with the pain, it's you in the future. And since loss and change can't be controlled by you, don't worry, your future self will worry about it enough. Or maybe you won't even get to live till this moment. What degree do you have?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I don't want to belittle your circumstances here. I completely understand that your experience of change is debhilitating rather than just frightening. Sadly, I don't know how you'd start to tackle this (apart from making tiny changes here and there I guess and working up and maybe looking at the times you have made changes- like going to uni and that maybe they weren't all bad?)

I wouldn't say I am comfortable with change but I suppose I've grown up with it- so I've just had to accept it to a degree- multiple deaths in my close family in childhood- Mum, Grandpa, Nana and Grandma by the age of 19. As a rough count, I've moved (complete house move) eleven times in 42 years.

I'm also freelance which means jobs are continually starting and ending and that deeply worries me. For me though- I have to tell myself that- if this job is what I want, it comes with the territory. The trouble is- that a more 'stable' job and home situation (in my experience) doesn't always make you feel better. I've done Head of Department roles which were more stable but I hated them- which finally lead me to leave them.

My greatest weakness is probably social anxiety. I kind of feel like if I could get over that, a lot of things would become easier for me. Trouble I've found is that- so long as the negative aspects of being alone aren't REALLY bad- so- I can cope with the loneliness (can't say I feel it that much) and I've just about got by on freelance working alone- I won't challenge myself to take on a job working with other people.

I sort of feel like the only time we challenge the things we are most afraid of is if we HAVE to face them in order to do something we REALLY want. Or, we are forced to face them because the alternative is even worse.

Can I ask- have you had to face any massive changes in your life yet? Did they really throw you? I would have thought uni was pretty tough?