anyone else feel resentment?

[h4ppyhypoxia]

im planning to CTB, and at first i felt such deep guilt for the people im leaving behind, but this is slowly starting to erode, because they are basically attempting to keep me alive against my will, trapped in suffering

CTB is seen as something thats always wrong under all circumstances by the majority of people, so they are implying that ive got a duty to others to NEVER end my life, but this is such a big ask, i could potentially live for 80 years, thats such a giant ask, even waiting a month to attempt again feels like an eternity

it angers me to know that people will never let me go, they will never let me find my peace, and for what? so they can see me for a few hours a couple times a month at most? ik this must sound very ungrateful, because i am loved and cared for by so many, which is a privilege that lots of people dream of, but i dont see how this is a reason to tether me into an existence that feels like being trapped inside a prison

people tell me it will get better, but thats not what i want, i want to be free, the 6 years that ive been accessing mental health support for have shown me that i dont respond well to treatment, ive done my part in trying to get better, but ive not seen results that justify staying here, it just angers me that this is the life other people want me trapped in, and i still do have waves of guilt for planning to leave everyone, but then they have left me in this life, if i speak out about the depths of my suicidal ideation, ill be hospitalised

my family take such great measures to try and prevent me from ending my life, im not allowed to be home alone, any packages that i get i must open in front of them, its just so unfair, im done, ive made my choice, my mind is set, these "prevention measures" do nothing but delay me from acting, so its pointless, and makes me slightly resent the people around me, especially because deep down Iiknow that if they felt how I did, they'd want it to be over too, ik its cruel to admit this, but its just how i feel, anyone else in the same boat? (dont hate anyone but i hate their actions that trap me here)

 

[ZwartHartje]

I can perfectly understand, and I'd feel the same way - wanting to be free! Fortunately I live alone and don't have any family members or anyone at all bothering me. But if I did I'd feel the same resentment to them if they'd tried to prevent me from leaving. It's awful that ending one's life is such a taboo, fraught with antiquated religious ideas, superstition, or whatever else it is I can't tell. What if you'd just want to move to a different country? Yes sure, you could come back one day, and from the afterlife you can't. But still I think it's much the same thing, we should be free to take our own decisions.