Venting Anyone else feel guilty about finding new friends?

[StupiderJuniper]

This has been something that kinda haunts me the longer I live. A year ago, I had only a few friends who I'd really trust and feel sad for if I died. I was in complete misery, but those few people have let me live long enough to survive until 18 (something I didn't expect). It prolly would have been easier to do back then in retrospect. But as I keep living, I keep meeting new people and becoming friends with some of them. This was great for a few months, they helped my transition (MTF) and are all genuinely kind people, but life has went back to a horrid state. I feel really selfish about it, like I'm just finding more and more people that will eventually be hurt by my eventual end. While it may have been two or three people I'd feel guilty for a while ago, now its a whole group. I'm terrified that this will keep happening, or that I would have to do something horrible to make them all distance themselves from me before I CTB. idk, eitherway I will either end up hurting all of them by CTB or have to ruin myself so they wouldn't care. Its kinda an extra burden I just carry on top of all these thoughts.

I prolly am not the only person who feels like this, but I'm just curious if anyone else has these feelings, and how they manage them.

 

[troubled_puppet]

It's a while later, I didn't want this thread to have no replies.
You're a woman with free will, so you don't have to listen to me. But I'm speaking from my heart, please don't pre-emptively "ruin" your friendships. It sounds like you have a lovely support network and that is very valuable.

They may or may not grieve, and there isn't anything that can be done to influence an outcome. No matter what choice happens first. I hear a lot of care from your post, a lot of gratitude, and I wish I had easy fixes for you. I know you want to spare them pain.

I want to promise you something, even if you might rationally already know: you aren't responsible for the feelings people have about you, no matter if it's positive or negative, no matter if it's your family or your closest friends. But I relate, and accepting that you're only responsible for yourself doesn't make it easier to let go of the guilt.

Anyway. I dunno if I have good tips, i can only speak on what ive done personally. I write apology letters for friends I'm worried about, and then burn those letters. I used to make fake "I'm sorry, friend x" videos. Then i'd delete them. I'm paranoid and i kept it very vague, just letting them know it wasn't their fault. They were no longer than a voicemail. The point for me was just venting the feeling out and never sending.

Please take care.