Any advice would help me please

[deepocean]

I have ptsd, I'm in a dental field which I don't have any interest in tbh I don't have any interest in anything so this is just a decision choosen by someone else for me and only way present for to be financially independent.

Thing is I got I have not recovered, also I don't think I'll be able to for a long time.
Idk is it stupid or not for new to find a partner like boyfriend or girlfriend cause I'm not normal,
Also being queer is strange here tbh it's kind of like a disease at least that's what they all think here even at institute I study. I got no connection to queer community cause there none in the place I live.

Should I try to search for an emotional support or not?
Should I tell my parents I'm bi?
Should I try to open up on socials?

I'm afraid of things turning dark if I did ctb just because of losing control.
Idk but after researching a lot it says I have DID too.
Things are really messed up. People leave, and it's impacting me in worst ways now.
And I'm really not great for a while now.seems like I'm just dragging myself to just survive one day at a time, pretending and all.

And seeing others live their lives, it makes me question myself, am I even living at all?? Will this all stay the same ? , am I going to be like this forever?

It took me a lot of effort to write on SS again maybe I'm really getting worse idk what's happening.


So just wanted to ask you all if you're reading this, should I try to become like others around me, posting socials and increases my connections, or will doing so only make my condition worse ? And should I seek for a partner that might help me and give a reason to try more and become better ?????

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi
I'm sorry you are going through all that :(
that does sound more like survival if you have little to hold on to, and the pretending gets tiring yeah...
I don't know you or your circumstances, so any advice i can offer is mostly just general blabber.
However,

I don't think there is any guarantee that you are going to feel like that forever. there simply isn't, even when it feels like it.
You seem to be suffering from pretty awful things, ptsd, maybe did, definetly depression. I don't know if you are getting those treated in any way currently... that i can definetly recommend if posible
I would also recommend u try and find some emotional support yes. You cand find a lot of that here specially in the recovery section, but also elsewhere, and if u are able irl that's better

about being queer tho, yes it can be incredibly alienating. it is not a disease. Just prejudice and ignorance from others in the end. That is the actual disease that can even get inside your head, try not to let it in. A community helps a ton there.
Sorry your environment isn't great in that regard. I tell you though, there is Always a queer community, everywhere. Don't know where you live, but I'd bet on it. Try to search around. u'll find like minded people, if a bit underground.
I also don't know if it's a good idea to come out to your parents, as i can't know if they are supportive so... that's a you decision based on what you know, what you think you could gain from it... put your safety above all though, have that clear.

as for socials. i don't think the solution is to try to be like the others and post more on socials... i've tried that, if its forzed, why even. increasing connections is good, finding good people, support and community, that helps. do that if you can, at your own pace. but i wouldn't focus it that way of just being like others, if u ask me, it is not that way.
I can't advice much on having a partner while dealing with mental illness cos each time i've done so i've fucked up spectacularly precisely due to that lol. It is a thing to consider, it is complex, and each person deals with it differently. Also true they can give u reasons to better yourself and get out of the muck, if you think that could be the case, hey maybe open to it, but also don't think of it exclusively as "this is how i'll fix everything, i just need find somebody" cos that dependency and posible frustration can break you. dont ask me how i know.
so, should you? shoud you not? you should do what you think is best for you, seek advice if needed, think all that through, and be open to the fact you can make mistakes and thats ok, even if it sucks, stagnation definetly doesn't help at all....

so yeah just some random advice from someone who maybe shouldn't be giving it but...
i would like to give u a huge hug that i know i can give.
you are asking these things and that's a good sign that you want to get out this state and into a better one, even if it is incredibly hard an exhausting, i do wish you the best <3

 

[deepocean]

Hi
I'm sorry you are going through all that :(
that does sound more like survival if you have little to hold on to, and the pretending gets tiring yeah...
I don't know you or your circumstances, so any advice i can offer is mostly just general blabber.
However,

I don't think there is any guarantee that you are going to feel like that forever. there simply isn't, even when it feels like it.
You seem to be suffering from pretty awful things, ptsd, maybe did, definetly depression. I don't know if you are getting those treated in any way currently... that i can definetly recommend if posible
I would also recommend u try and find some emotional support yes. You cand find a lot of that here specially in the recovery section, but also elsewhere, and if u are able irl that's better

about being queer tho, yes it can be incredibly alienating. it is not a disease. Just prejudice and ignorance from others in the end. That is the actual disease that can even get inside your head, try not to let it in. A community helps a ton there.
Sorry your environment isn't great in that regard. I tell you though, there is Always a queer community, everywhere. Don't know where you live, but I'd bet on it. Try to search around. u'll find like minded people, if a bit underground.
I also don't know if it's a good idea to come out to your parents, as i can't know if they are supportive so... that's a you decision based on what you know, what you think you could gain from it... put your safety above all though, have that clear.

as for socials. i don't think the solution is to try to be like the others and post more on socials... i've tried that, if its forzed, why even. increasing connections is good, finding good people, support and community, that helps. do that if you can, at your own pace. but i wouldn't focus it that way of just being like others, if u ask me, it is not that way.
I can't advice much on having a partner while dealing with mental illness cos each time i've done so i've fucked up spectacularly precisely due to that lol. It is a thing to consider, it is complex, and each person deals with it differently. Also true they can give u reasons to better yourself and get out of the muck, if you think that could be the case, hey maybe open to it, but also don't think of it exclusively as "this is how i'll fix everything, i just need find somebody" cos that dependency and posible frustration can break you. dont ask me how i know.
so, should you? shoud you not? you should do what you think is best for you, seek advice if needed, think all that through, and be open to the fact you can make mistakes and thats ok, even if it sucks, stagnation definetly doesn't help at all....

so yeah just some random advice from someone who maybe shouldn't be giving it but...
i would like to give u a huge hug that i know i can give.
you are asking these things and that's a good sign that you want to get out this state and into a better one, even if it is incredibly hard an exhausting, i do wish you the best <3

Thanks a lot, this really did help me cause now I know atleast I'm not going down a wrong path. I'll try to put your advice if it helps then it's great if not still it's good I tried.

Yes I understand that it's better to not put anyone else in trouble if they don't know the situation I'm in. So yeah maybe it's better I try to find ways to get better and maybe then along the ways things would get better too and I'll find someone when I'm in a better state then now.

All I can do now is to get bettand financially independent.

I'm still trying to know what things make me wanna live, still some things break along the way and I feel numb to the ones I loved.

Well maybe .... Things takes time, I should just hold on.

Hope you're doing well too.


Thanks for the reply, I feel less lonely for now and maybe your reply would also help me live for couple of weeks. Byee

 

[Pale_Rider]

I read this earlier, and ment to respond, but was sidetracked irl. I wanted to suggest that your number one priority if you have DID is discerning the positions of your alters. Once you establish some respect, and or acknowledgment of each other you will , or can hopefully proceed with some level of peace. You may have to make compromises as I have in some cases. But it is worth it. Also when seeking help make sure the mental health professional actually believes in DID. It can be hard enough to get help from people who even belive in it. The problem is it's rarely diagnosed properly, and even then its when there are very obvious signs. I was diagnosed first in a state hospital. The team had a lot of experience with DID. Fast forward 15 years , or so. My suicide attempts. The therapist was an expert who had been at it a very long time. She was trying to save my life. She made sure I seen it with my own eyes. She made sure I tried to accept it. I did wind up blocking it for some time, but that data was there when I was ready to look at it. Critical. Ok sorry for the long ramble. Just want to pass along some support, and maybe useful information.

 

[deepocean]

I read this earlier, and ment to respond, but was sidetracked irl. I wanted to suggest that your number one priority if you have DID is discerning the positions of your alters. Once you establish some respect, and or acknowledgment of each other you will , or can hopefully proceed with some level of peace. You may have to make compromises as I have in some cases. But it is worth it. Also when seeking help make sure the mental health professional actually believes in DID. It can be hard enough to get help from people who even belive in it. The problem is it's rarely diagnosed properly, and even then its when there are very obvious signs. I was diagnosed first in a state hospital. The team had a lot of experience with DID. Fast forward 15 years , or so. My suicide attempts. The therapist was an expert who had been at it a very long time. She was trying to save my life. She made sure I seen it with my own eyes. She made sure I tried to accept it. I did wind up blocking it for some time, but that data was there when I was ready to look at it. Critical. Ok sorry for the long ramble. Just want to pass along some support, and maybe useful information.

Thanks for the advice.
I'm happy you've received the help and treatment you needed.
In my country DID is not a topic that has been studied till professionalizm so yeah there no professional therapist that expert in that field. Maybe only in huge hospital franchise there maybe but I don't have that much money tbh I'm not earning so yeah no money and only when I get a job I can think of independently go to a therapist. I once had gone alone and above the legal age, but was not allowed to receive treatment because I had no one with me, they told me bring my parents or maybe a friend. But I refused. And it was just bad after that in that hospital. I can't tell much of that story.

But I am pointing that DID treatment in my country is rare.
I'm deciding to study DID on my own and understand it myself. Of course I'm a newbie doctor myself and I think I can do it if my suicidality stays low and the so called "alters" don't voice out their urges too much, it's a struggle to battle them everyday and night. It's draining.

I don't have much strength to write.

 

[Pale_Rider]

.

Thanks for the advice.
I'm happy you've received the help and treatment you needed.
In my country DID is not a topic that has been studied till professionalizm so yeah there no professional therapist that expert in that field. Maybe only in huge hospital franchise there maybe but I don't have that much money tbh I'm not earning so yeah no money and only when I get a job I can think of independently go to a therapist. I once had gone alone and above the legal age, but was not allowed to receive treatment because I had no one with me, they told me bring my parents or maybe a friend. But I refused. And it was just bad after that in that hospital. I can't tell much of that story.

But I am pointing that DID treatment in my country is rare.
I'm deciding to study DID on my own and understand it myself. Of course I'm a newbie doctor myself and I think I can do it if my suicidality stays low and the so called "alters" don't voice out their urges too much, it's a struggle to battle them everyday and night. It's draining.

I don't have much strength to write.

Well it's just a suggestion as always, but your gonna want to resolve the "battles". I did that unknowingly for a long time [ have alters battling ] DID alone is said to have a 75% suicidality. I also have PTSD. At the time I had blocked knowledge of the DID, and not been formally diagnosed with PTSD yet. [ though it had been floated several times] Hence my mutiple suicide attempts at the time. I can say we get along a lot better today then in the past. That alone relives some of the pressure. That's not because of treatment I should note. My original [ first] diagnosis was in a state hospital in NJ. I was committed for over a year so they had a long time to observe, and work with me for that diagnosis. But even though I was diagnosed no work could be done , because I couldn't accept it. Years later in NYC I recived the diagnosis again. This time from another very skilled therapist. This one put in all the work noted in my last comment [ message ]. It was her work that allowed me to eventually see. Fast-forward to today. I moved to a rural area in the Midwest. My DID is not easily discernable. Switching is much smoother these days. That's to say my alters do not have the contrast that they once did. A southern accent for instance one used to have. So they coupled with typical distrust of the north east want to start a whole new diagnosis. They do no work at all on my ptsd, or did. I have done the work. I am more then grateful to the therapist in nyc that taught me to see. She have me my best chance almost single handedly. Left to a Midwestern therapist I'd surly be dead already. [ I'm going back to NYC eventually for this reason ]. After I complete this message I'll share the podcast account I listened to so I could learn how to treat myself. I can't overstate how hard it was to accept this diagnosis. It's literally torn me to pieces. And to have it questioned rips me apart all over again. Idk why that is, but it is. I do know it's something these therapists will never be able to help me with. So the DID is bad, but we strive for peace. My therapist in nyc advised that, and we eventually did. Today my PTSD is potentially literally a killer. Yes talking to a therapist once a week has helped. I was an emotional wreck before that, but not enough is being done. And a political pissing contest is the reason why. Calloused individuals that have little care for the patient in front of them. But I digress on that point. I'm going to go try to find the therapists podcasts that were the most helpful to me. Maybe they will be helpful for you also.

 

[deepocean]

.

Well it's just a suggestion as always, but your gonna want to resolve the "battles". I did that unknowingly for a long time [ have alters battling ] DID alone is said to have a 75% suicidality. I also have PTSD. At the time I had blocked knowledge of the DID, and not been formally diagnosed with PTSD yet. [ though it had been floated several times] Hence my mutiple suicide attempts at the time. I can say we get along a lot better today then in the past. That alone relives some of the pressure. That's not because of treatment I should note. My original [ first] diagnosis was in a state hospital in NJ. I was committed for over a year so they had a long time to observe, and work with me for that diagnosis. But even though I was diagnosed no work could be done , because I couldn't accept it. Years later in NYC I recived the diagnosis again. This time from another very skilled therapist. This one put in all the work noted in my last comment [ message ]. It was her work that allowed me to eventually see. Fast-forward to today. I moved to a rural area in the Midwest. My DID is not easily discernable. Switching is much smoother these days. That's to say my alters do not have the contrast that they once did. A southern accent for instance one used to have. So they coupled with typical distrust of the north east want to start a whole new diagnosis. They do no work at all on my ptsd, or did. I have done the work. I am more then grateful to the therapist in nyc that taught me to see. She have me my best chance almost single handedly. Left to a Midwestern therapist I'd surly be dead already. [ I'm going back to NYC eventually for this reason ]. After I complete this message I'll share the podcast account I listened to so I could learn how to treat myself. I can't overstate how hard it was to accept this diagnosis. It's literally torn me to pieces. And to have it questioned rips me apart all over again. Idk why that is, but it is. I do know it's something these therapists will never be able to help me with. So the DID is bad, but we strive for peace. My therapist in nyc advised that, and we eventually did. Today my PTSD is potentially literally a killer. Yes talking to a therapist once a week has helped. I was an emotional wreck before that, but not enough is being done. And a political pissing contest is the reason why. Calloused individuals that have little care for the patient in front of them. But I digress on that point. I'm going to go try to find the therapists podcasts that were the most helpful to me. Maybe they will be helpful for you also.

It makes me hopeful and in a good way that there's a way out.