Anxious about throwing away ctb materials again

[IWantToSleep]

I'll preface this by saying a lot of what I'm saying doesn't make sense, I'm just so nervous that I desperately want to let my thoughts out and get feedback.

I'm having a lot of SI and anxiety having SN and propranolol, my anxiety is telling me to throw them away again as I was anxious about this before, inevitably I'll be anxious either way probably.

Thinking to myself I should do everything in my power to get better (which I doubt I actually can) so my dad in his eighties who seems to be developing dementia with paranoid tendencies can not suffer losing me.

I don't know, all I can think of doing is trying to go to a psych ward or go to a rehab at the moment, or try to get benzos somehow, but I feel too stressed out to do the last option, seems too complicated.

I know this post is irrational, I think the reason why I made it is so someone could comfort me and tell me even if I throw my stuff away I could order my materials again, I don't know. How hard would it be to get a partner for ctb who would help you along if you're too pathetic to do any of the work eg. get the materials (or you can't find them)?

I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS ANXIETY AND PANIC ANYMORE

My posts are becoming more and more unreadable as time goes on.

Sorry for this post again, I just want people to talk about these thoughts with and get their opinions on them.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

I have no experience with SN or chemical-related methods and I have no good advice to offer. But I relate to your anxiety and panicking about ctb. I hesitate a lot and second guess my decisions a lot even though I spend an unbelievable amount of time convincing myself that ctb as soon as I can is my best option given the circumstances I'm in. No amount of thinking or rationalizing has ever made this anxiety go away, but knowing your situation and contemplating your choice is better than any impulsive action. In the end, it's your choice and you make the final call. If anything, I'd say confronting yourself about how you're the only person capable of calling the shots is one of the best things you can do. It's not easy though, especially if it isn't really clear to you what is it that you want. Maybe think about it when you're calmer? I wish I knew what works. Just know you're not alone.

 

[logan]

I'm sure that's because you're in a really bad way, but you still have a strong will to live.
Many here have SA or N at home because they have a certain security to be able to determine their lives at any time. Maybe you are thinking too much about it. There will be better times again. What helps you best now is hard to say. Maybe someone here has some good tips.

 

[theresonlyonewayout]

I get it. Trying to fight the thoughts when it is within arms reach is hard. It's like being diabetic but a chocoholic with chocolate in the house. I'm sure there are better analogies than that but my brain isn't thinking.

Is there somewhere where you can store it away from home? See if it causes you to panic before getting rid totally? Or I did read on here that someone had a time release safe - like you lock it and can't open it again before a certain time etc. I don't know anything about them other than that.

 

[WornOutLife]

It's not the same but I live alone and my dad thinks I don't drink alcohol anymore (I used to do it everyday) but I still do, just on Sats so, I have some hidden booze bottles in my cupboard and the anxiety I feel is really annoying because I know he'll get really mad and think I'm a goddamn alcoholic again if he finds them!

Whatever you do, just take your time and analyse very well the situation.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know anxiety can be a really awful thing in particular relating to ctb. If I was in your situation I would try and find ways to calm down, maybe hide the ctb materials away for now. As you sound like you want to get better I would work on that and I would know that the option to ctb is always there if things didn't go to plan. I'm sure you would be able to reorder materials though if you couldn't bear having them anymore. I hope you find relief.