cheesebye
New Member
- May 29, 2026
- 3
summer has always been my favorite season, despite being my loneliest one. this summer actually hasn't been so bad even though a lot of awful shit has happened to me (survived a mass shooting and had to find/deal with the cops/clean up after brother's extreme self harm). i have a job and i've gotten to hang out with my best friend a ton(very different from the near total isolation of like. most summers ever), which makes me sound so fucking shallow but somehow makes everything feel better. the problem is that she leaves in a couple of weeks, and her other friend is staying with her so i might not get to see her as much, which makes me feel like a total dick. and then like a day after that my brother moves hundreds of miles away to an inpatient care facility where i won't even be able to facetime him. im really close with my brother and he's the only thing that made the other summers bearable + im really worried he might never come back due to the severity of his issues. maybe the worst part is that i HAVE plenty of other friends for the first time in my life. perfectly kind ones even. but it's just doesnt work. it's like my soul is so rotten that only attention from a special couple few seems to help me. i fucking suck.
a lot of me wants to ctb before they leave so i don't have to feel the total devastation of after they do. it's incredibly selfish but the thought of it alone destroys me, and i know it's going to hurt worse than it ever has before. my plan would be to piss them off/start distancing myself a couple of days before they leave and then hang myself in a nearby nature area that like no one ever visits. the first problem is im so greedy im reluctant to waste any time i might have with them even though i know it's going to fuck with them if i die and distancing is the only real solution. the next is that my parents will definitely notice after a couple of days and it will devastate them and the rest of my family given everything going on. they think im the best i've been my whole life (which i am, i just can't bear to lose it). and the last problem is that the other night at a sleepover with my bestfriend she confessed that when she was suicidal, her choice was going to be hanging. the sick part of me almost enjoys that there'd be like one last thing tying me to her. but i know it'd fuck her up if she did find out when+how i went.
i just don't know how to carry on either way. i should have never been born.
a lot of me wants to ctb before they leave so i don't have to feel the total devastation of after they do. it's incredibly selfish but the thought of it alone destroys me, and i know it's going to hurt worse than it ever has before. my plan would be to piss them off/start distancing myself a couple of days before they leave and then hang myself in a nearby nature area that like no one ever visits. the first problem is im so greedy im reluctant to waste any time i might have with them even though i know it's going to fuck with them if i die and distancing is the only real solution. the next is that my parents will definitely notice after a couple of days and it will devastate them and the rest of my family given everything going on. they think im the best i've been my whole life (which i am, i just can't bear to lose it). and the last problem is that the other night at a sleepover with my bestfriend she confessed that when she was suicidal, her choice was going to be hanging. the sick part of me almost enjoys that there'd be like one last thing tying me to her. but i know it'd fuck her up if she did find out when+how i went.
i just don't know how to carry on either way. i should have never been born.
