Last night I attempted to ctb with what I thought was a lethal intravenous dose of fentanyl. To my dismay, I failed. I wrote out my note, complete with a will for who I delegated my belongings to, instructions on what I wanted to happen with my remains, addressing those important to me in my life, and I also timed a post to appear here this morning. I felt such peace, such resolution, such conviction in my decision. This is my 6th failed attempt with this method so idk why I thought it would work this time. Well I know why, I used double the amount.
But guess what? Before I successfully purchased my stuff, I got scammed out of $100 from the initial 'dealer.' He said he had run out of what he had, so told me to just give him the cash and pull up around the corner and wait while he got my stuff from his source at the motel and he'd be back. I kept my cool but then 10 minutes passed and I thought "did I just get fucking beat?" I sent him a text. No response. Another text. No response. I waited another 5 minutes and…"Fuuuck." Yep, I just got beat out of a crisp hundred dollars by an absolute scumbag.
I cared slightly but didn't care at the same time because I fully expected to ctb by the end of the night. It was just another confirmation to me how much people can be absolute pieces of shit. 100 bucks is a lot of money to most people on this planet. I eventually bought the fentanyl from a reliable dealer. I thought I at least deserved a peaceful ending, but even that I was robbed of yesterday. This society is so backward. Suicidal people deserve a peaceful end without having to spend a small fortune to acquire it. If you read this far, thanks for letting me vent. Just had to get that off my chest.
But guess what? Before I successfully purchased my stuff, I got scammed out of $100 from the initial 'dealer.' He said he had run out of what he had, so told me to just give him the cash and pull up around the corner and wait while he got my stuff from his source at the motel and he'd be back. I kept my cool but then 10 minutes passed and I thought "did I just get fucking beat?" I sent him a text. No response. Another text. No response. I waited another 5 minutes and…"Fuuuck." Yep, I just got beat out of a crisp hundred dollars by an absolute scumbag.
I cared slightly but didn't care at the same time because I fully expected to ctb by the end of the night. It was just another confirmation to me how much people can be absolute pieces of shit. 100 bucks is a lot of money to most people on this planet. I eventually bought the fentanyl from a reliable dealer. I thought I at least deserved a peaceful ending, but even that I was robbed of yesterday. This society is so backward. Suicidal people deserve a peaceful end without having to spend a small fortune to acquire it. If you read this far, thanks for letting me vent. Just had to get that off my chest.
