phoenixx
Experienced
- Apr 8, 2019
- 261
Tomorrow was supposed to be the day I could finally ctb. I was going to be left alone for the first time in a long time so I wanted to use this as an opportunity to leave. Unfortunately, I found out I won't be alone so my plans got ruined. Last night, I was desperate and just wanted things to end. I wasn't home alone, but I knew that I wouldn't be interrupted for a few hours. So I tried. For 30 minutes I fucking tried. I had to do partial hanging. I couldn't get it right. I changed the noose a couple of times and changed positions and I eventually found the sweet spot. One things started to fade, I could hear movement downstairs and I had to quickly get myself out of the noose, hide everything including the letters and quickly get into bed. I did try again not long after, but the same thing happened and I just didn't want to get caught. I feel like a failure. I just want to be gone. But like I said, I'm rarely left alone and I don't go out alone because of my anxiety, so it's hard to actually find away to end my life without being interrupted or anything. And with partial hanging, once I go unconscious, I will probably thrash around and make more noise and be discovered. So right now, I'm not happy with myself. I'm pretty angry and frustrated. I want to be at peace finally but I don't know how I'm gonna get there when I'm never alone. I even considered jumping from a multi-storey car park near me, many people have successfully ctb from there. But I cannot even leave the house for more than 5 minutes because people would get suspicious (I have no friends, not even any online now, I have no social life or anything so like I said before, I don't go out anywhere alone due to anxiety and stuff) so it would be difficult to leave the house, make my way to the car park and jump without anyone noticing or getting concerned. I just feel stuck now. I'm sick of being me and being messed up and having to deal with this shit. I just want peace from my mind.
